Progress!!

Okay, so I have not been very good about writing, and I wont lie, it is basically because I am lazy and I really havent had anything really profound to say. Here is a little update. I had a dr apppointment about the time i started this whole diet deal around the end of January/early February. I didnt allow the nurse to tell me what my weight was at the time, but then i had a 6+month follow up to that appointment last wednesday. I allowed the dr to tell me what my weight was that last time and it was (gasp) 362 !! Well, at this newest appointment my weight was 312!! Mama is down 50 pounds, and only 13 pounds to get below 300. The dr said that is the lowest weight that they have on record for me EVER!!! Along with that weight loss, My blood pressure went down 32 points! 112/80 (perfect i hear!). He also said that my lungs sounded "beautiful". Now since I am an addict and my first thought is wrong ALWAYS, i actually heard "see smoking isnt causing any damage so go ahead and keep smoking!" (One thing at a time ladies!!).

What a day that day was. I had been getting frustrated at this hole ordeal, and lets face it, I was frustrated from the beginning. I have been doing Zumba (not the traditional Zumba) and in all reality it is a class that basically just kicks my tail and i have actually been following through with it. The main reason why i continue to do this class, other than it is fun, is that I am fairly close to being the biggest girl there (probably by a good 200 pounds!!) and I am keeping up with all these tiny ladies (sometimes behind a little bit because i am about as coordinated as a giraffe!).

As I have been on a break from writing here, I have also been learning some things about myself. I have been learning that there is alot that is ugly about me. I am judgemental, I have unrealistic expectations, I am sometimes angry just to be angry, I am mean, and just general ugliness! I realized that even if I got skinny, all that stuff would still be ugly about me. I cover all this ugliness with a very LOUD sense of humor. In order for me to fix what is ugly i have to identify that in all situations I am the problem. Now some would read that and say "well not really all". but oh yes, ALL! And if you think about it, that is very empowering. If I am the problem then I can fix that. if someone or something else is the problem i cant do a single thing about that. I have to keep my side of the street clean. If i do that then i have no problems. For an addict we spend our lives attempting to manage things that are unmanageable and then get frustrated that we cant manage something unmangeable!!! DER!!!! So, i have to keep my thinking in check and to do so I remind myself daily that "my first thought is wrong". Along with keeping my thinking in check and going to that second or third thought in order to go healthy, I have to live a life that is grateful, always. I am not special because of anything that I have been through. I am not special because I have anything looking ahead. I am special simply because I take in air, and God said that I could wake up this morning and for that I am grateful. Not only am I glad that God said that I could wake up this morning, I am glad that God said those around me could wake up this morning. I dont have control over anything, but myself and I am okay with that (alright, i am working on being okay with that).

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.