Progress, progress, progress!! Today I weighed myself, just over one year since I started this and there is a 2 on my scale! I am officially 299 this morning- and no worries, I checked again tonight just to make sure at it was still 299!
I wont lie, I have been busting my tail to get theses 60+ pounds that I have lost, and while in a perfect world I would have lost more than that in a whole year, but I am grateful in all things.
I have learned such a good deal about myself throughout this thing. I have learned how quickly I can go into "poor me" mode and believe as though my journey is harder than anyone else's, and there is not a single thing about me that is special in comparison to someone else. I have learned that some of my terrible habits i have passed on to my son- but thankfully he is changing too. I have learned that as long as I take care of me and worry about me, I can fix most problems in my life- basically because I can take myself out of the mix and let Him take over for me then I will be just fine. The first three steps are 1. I cant, 2. He can, 3, I'll let Him. Now, I struggle a good deal with the whole I'll let Him, but lets just face it, for those of you who know what a control freak I am you know that me just admitting that I cant is a big deal.
The main thing I think that I have learned is to be grateful. I have been blessed beyond measure as I embark on this journey. I have amazing friends who have always been around that help to keep me motivated. But a new addition is an incredible amount of ladies that I have met at Zumba. Without a doubt Zumba has saved my life in more ways that one. I am blessed with my husband who has stood behind me the whole way and does his best to be encouraging- now he doesn't really understand that it isn't super fun to watch him eat an ENTIRE box of girl scout cookies (yes an entire box), but he does believe that he is helping me because if he eats the whole box then there isn't any left for me to have. Bless his heart. And even my son tries to be supportive. The other day I got out of the car with him after class and I said "ouch" and he says "Oh did she work you crazy tonight". I said, "yup she worked me crazy tonight" He then says "You are sure getting into shape, your shape is getting smaller." He then puts his arms around me and is so excited when he says "mommy I can touch my fingers together when I hug you." Now, that alone made me cry, but what was even better was when my husband got home, he says "Daddy look" and showed him that he could touch his fingers when he put his hands around me. God forgive me if I ever complain about anything in my life. What a precious little guy I have there.
I certainly have not arrived, or completed this journey, but this is the first time in my life that I have ever stuck with something. Every other time I attempt to "diet" it lasts usually no more than a month or two. I give up so easily and I refuse to give up until i have reached my goal. My next goal is 250- and I am sure that once I get there then I will have to add another 25-35 pounds.. Thank God I am so tall!!!
The greatest quote ever- "Let us rise up and be grateful, for if we didn't learn alot today, at least we learned a little. If we didn't learn a little then at least we didn't get sick. And if we got sick at least we didn't die. So let us all be thankful"- Buddha
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference!!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Progress!!
Okay, so I have not been very good about writing, and I wont lie, it is basically because I am lazy and I really havent had anything really profound to say. Here is a little update. I had a dr apppointment about the time i started this whole diet deal around the end of January/early February. I didnt allow the nurse to tell me what my weight was at the time, but then i had a 6+month follow up to that appointment last wednesday. I allowed the dr to tell me what my weight was that last time and it was (gasp) 362 !! Well, at this newest appointment my weight was 312!! Mama is down 50 pounds, and only 13 pounds to get below 300. The dr said that is the lowest weight that they have on record for me EVER!!! Along with that weight loss, My blood pressure went down 32 points! 112/80 (perfect i hear!). He also said that my lungs sounded "beautiful". Now since I am an addict and my first thought is wrong ALWAYS, i actually heard "see smoking isnt causing any damage so go ahead and keep smoking!" (One thing at a time ladies!!).
What a day that day was. I had been getting frustrated at this hole ordeal, and lets face it, I was frustrated from the beginning. I have been doing Zumba (not the traditional Zumba) and in all reality it is a class that basically just kicks my tail and i have actually been following through with it. The main reason why i continue to do this class, other than it is fun, is that I am fairly close to being the biggest girl there (probably by a good 200 pounds!!) and I am keeping up with all these tiny ladies (sometimes behind a little bit because i am about as coordinated as a giraffe!).
As I have been on a break from writing here, I have also been learning some things about myself. I have been learning that there is alot that is ugly about me. I am judgemental, I have unrealistic expectations, I am sometimes angry just to be angry, I am mean, and just general ugliness! I realized that even if I got skinny, all that stuff would still be ugly about me. I cover all this ugliness with a very LOUD sense of humor. In order for me to fix what is ugly i have to identify that in all situations I am the problem. Now some would read that and say "well not really all". but oh yes, ALL! And if you think about it, that is very empowering. If I am the problem then I can fix that. if someone or something else is the problem i cant do a single thing about that. I have to keep my side of the street clean. If i do that then i have no problems. For an addict we spend our lives attempting to manage things that are unmanageable and then get frustrated that we cant manage something unmangeable!!! DER!!!! So, i have to keep my thinking in check and to do so I remind myself daily that "my first thought is wrong". Along with keeping my thinking in check and going to that second or third thought in order to go healthy, I have to live a life that is grateful, always. I am not special because of anything that I have been through. I am not special because I have anything looking ahead. I am special simply because I take in air, and God said that I could wake up this morning and for that I am grateful. Not only am I glad that God said that I could wake up this morning, I am glad that God said those around me could wake up this morning. I dont have control over anything, but myself and I am okay with that (alright, i am working on being okay with that).
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What a day that day was. I had been getting frustrated at this hole ordeal, and lets face it, I was frustrated from the beginning. I have been doing Zumba (not the traditional Zumba) and in all reality it is a class that basically just kicks my tail and i have actually been following through with it. The main reason why i continue to do this class, other than it is fun, is that I am fairly close to being the biggest girl there (probably by a good 200 pounds!!) and I am keeping up with all these tiny ladies (sometimes behind a little bit because i am about as coordinated as a giraffe!).
As I have been on a break from writing here, I have also been learning some things about myself. I have been learning that there is alot that is ugly about me. I am judgemental, I have unrealistic expectations, I am sometimes angry just to be angry, I am mean, and just general ugliness! I realized that even if I got skinny, all that stuff would still be ugly about me. I cover all this ugliness with a very LOUD sense of humor. In order for me to fix what is ugly i have to identify that in all situations I am the problem. Now some would read that and say "well not really all". but oh yes, ALL! And if you think about it, that is very empowering. If I am the problem then I can fix that. if someone or something else is the problem i cant do a single thing about that. I have to keep my side of the street clean. If i do that then i have no problems. For an addict we spend our lives attempting to manage things that are unmanageable and then get frustrated that we cant manage something unmangeable!!! DER!!!! So, i have to keep my thinking in check and to do so I remind myself daily that "my first thought is wrong". Along with keeping my thinking in check and going to that second or third thought in order to go healthy, I have to live a life that is grateful, always. I am not special because of anything that I have been through. I am not special because I have anything looking ahead. I am special simply because I take in air, and God said that I could wake up this morning and for that I am grateful. Not only am I glad that God said that I could wake up this morning, I am glad that God said those around me could wake up this morning. I dont have control over anything, but myself and I am okay with that (alright, i am working on being okay with that).
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
bad girl
Well I have been a bad girl, for this whole last week. It is making me nervous a little bit because I can hear some of that really negative self talk like "oh, just screw it", and "whatever, I will get back on the stick on Monday". I dont know what my problem is. Okay, well I do. I have been stuck at 328 for a couple of weeks now I think with no movement. I am used to a couple of pounds every time that I weigh myself and I know that i am getting discouraged. And as I write this I think big darn baby. I dont know what my problem is. The only positive is that I am not eating a TON of stuff, just allowing myself some of the naughty stuff that I havent been. I am just unrealistic enough to believe that I shouldnt have to work much in order to achieve this goal. I just want to not eat very much and magically have the weight disappear. I am going to have to exercise and I havent been.
This is a boring one, but I had to write because I have been doing badly, and need to be accountable for what I am doing. I do intend to do better and start working more at it, even though my mind is saying "I don't wanna" and "I dont care". I am going to power through it.. No giving up.. not for me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
This is a boring one, but I had to write because I have been doing badly, and need to be accountable for what I am doing. I do intend to do better and start working more at it, even though my mind is saying "I don't wanna" and "I dont care". I am going to power through it.. No giving up.. not for me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sins of the mother
Okay, all excuses aside, I am just terrible at keeping up with this. Could be that I am lazy, and I will just admit it (as though it isn't obvious to those of you who know me).
I am still doing well and am down another two pounds from the last time that I wrote, but am holding firm that it is "that time of the month" and there is some water weight that is hanging out there affecting that number.
I remind myself often that in all reality I lost 20 pounds in 2 months, so I am pretty proud of that and that is what helps keep me motivated to continue in the change process. I do have to say though that the change process is still difficult for. I do find that I am attempting to talk myself into splurges, and have caved from time to time, but definitely pay for it later. A perfect example is the other day I was not in my normal element and didn't get to pick awesome choices for my eating for day. I will admit and take full ownership that I could have done better than I did. I ate an apple fritter for breakfast (ohh from hy-vee so yummy), mcdonalds chicken nuggets (10 piece, yes I said 10 piece-shame shame) and french fries for lunch, and little ceasers pizza (2 pieces and about 4 breadsticks) for supper. Ridiculous day I know. But I totally paid for it later. I was so sick, in all areas (so lets not elaborate, right!!). I was up all night long. I learned a couple of things from this fateful day. First being that when I had been allowing myself to cheat before it was never the whole day, so I have been learning how to make boundaries and not go over board, and a treat is just that a treat. Second being that it doesn't take your body long to learn that "hey this stuff doesn't belong here", while your brain still says "this is the most heavenly morsels that God ever created". (My brain thinks in detail when it comes to food!!:). The last being that I was being terrible to my body before. That meal, in all reality, was a good deal LESS that what I could have normally eaten in a day prior to this life change. My average day before this looked a bit like this (sharing embarrassing stuff hasn't gotten any easier either): Breakfast-two iced honey buns and a large coffee with cream and caramel syrup; usually some sort of snack before lunch; Lunch-a package of Ramen Noodles (mmmmm) a bagel with turkey and cheese, chips and some sort of sweetness for desert; Supper-Spaghetti (heaping plate full of pasta) smothered in shredded cheese, a salad, and bread (several pieces of garlic bread), then usually some sort of snack afterwards before bed, maybe even an entire bad of microwave popcorn (extra butter of course). It is awful to even write this down, and I wondered why I was so big. I was so delusional that I could look in the mirror and be like "where did all this come from?"
What I am afraid of now, because I had no concept of portion control or healthy eating, I passed that very unhealthy trait on to my unsuspecting 5 year old, giving him excessive amounts of food simply because I didn't understand healthy portions. He by no means is overweight so I am not worried about that because he is a wonderfully active little boy, but he is a big boy (brick shit house comes to mind!). So when I think about how I would like to give up I think of him and remember that it is not his fault I am unhealthy and he shouldn't have to learn that same bad behavior. So more changes to come in the Short house, and we are all on board.
What amazing things we can learn about ourselves if we chose to take a second and realize that we are not perfect, we have flaws, and we can all stand to grow some out of our box.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am still doing well and am down another two pounds from the last time that I wrote, but am holding firm that it is "that time of the month" and there is some water weight that is hanging out there affecting that number.
I remind myself often that in all reality I lost 20 pounds in 2 months, so I am pretty proud of that and that is what helps keep me motivated to continue in the change process. I do have to say though that the change process is still difficult for. I do find that I am attempting to talk myself into splurges, and have caved from time to time, but definitely pay for it later. A perfect example is the other day I was not in my normal element and didn't get to pick awesome choices for my eating for day. I will admit and take full ownership that I could have done better than I did. I ate an apple fritter for breakfast (ohh from hy-vee so yummy), mcdonalds chicken nuggets (10 piece, yes I said 10 piece-shame shame) and french fries for lunch, and little ceasers pizza (2 pieces and about 4 breadsticks) for supper. Ridiculous day I know. But I totally paid for it later. I was so sick, in all areas (so lets not elaborate, right!!). I was up all night long. I learned a couple of things from this fateful day. First being that when I had been allowing myself to cheat before it was never the whole day, so I have been learning how to make boundaries and not go over board, and a treat is just that a treat. Second being that it doesn't take your body long to learn that "hey this stuff doesn't belong here", while your brain still says "this is the most heavenly morsels that God ever created". (My brain thinks in detail when it comes to food!!:). The last being that I was being terrible to my body before. That meal, in all reality, was a good deal LESS that what I could have normally eaten in a day prior to this life change. My average day before this looked a bit like this (sharing embarrassing stuff hasn't gotten any easier either): Breakfast-two iced honey buns and a large coffee with cream and caramel syrup; usually some sort of snack before lunch; Lunch-a package of Ramen Noodles (mmmmm) a bagel with turkey and cheese, chips and some sort of sweetness for desert; Supper-Spaghetti (heaping plate full of pasta) smothered in shredded cheese, a salad, and bread (several pieces of garlic bread), then usually some sort of snack afterwards before bed, maybe even an entire bad of microwave popcorn (extra butter of course). It is awful to even write this down, and I wondered why I was so big. I was so delusional that I could look in the mirror and be like "where did all this come from?"
What I am afraid of now, because I had no concept of portion control or healthy eating, I passed that very unhealthy trait on to my unsuspecting 5 year old, giving him excessive amounts of food simply because I didn't understand healthy portions. He by no means is overweight so I am not worried about that because he is a wonderfully active little boy, but he is a big boy (brick shit house comes to mind!). So when I think about how I would like to give up I think of him and remember that it is not his fault I am unhealthy and he shouldn't have to learn that same bad behavior. So more changes to come in the Short house, and we are all on board.
What amazing things we can learn about ourselves if we chose to take a second and realize that we are not perfect, we have flaws, and we can all stand to grow some out of our box.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
whew!
Again, a thousand apologies for the lack of attendance on my part writing the blogs. I am fairly boring in nature, so I dont have very much to say on a daily basis.
I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).
I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).
I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
a little less
And what I mean by a little less, I mean a little less of ME!!! just weighed myself and another 4 pounds down!!! But I am not going to keep weighing myself so often, and will wait until the monthly marker when I do my measurements.
Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.
I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.
I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, March 19, 2010
naughty
Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)