I figured that today's blog should be about addiction since I should be a pro at this, seeings how it is my job and all. While I understand that addiction is the sickness and not the specific drug of choice there was something about my life that I didn't relate to being the same thing.
I meet with clients every day that are one step away from death, prison, losing their children for good, and losing relationships with family. They have lost most things around them around them due to their addiction to drugs and alcohol. The only difference between me and them is that while I haven't lost my family, I am not going to prison and I have not lost my child to DHS-I am attempting to cheat death and miss out on my child's life. You could also say that I have lost a level of self respect since I have let myself go as far as I have. Another difference between my addiction and theirs is that I have to still eat. I cant just stop using my "drug of choice". I tell clients every day that they have to stop using their drug of choice and their lives will be miraculously different, better (don't worry I know that it takes more than that). I on the other hand have to start learning to use food what it is intended for. It is intended for survival and survival only. I need it to live, not to make me happy. I have to learn to stop using food for comfort, for acceptance, hell-for pleasure. This I fear will be a daunting task. What will I have next?? What else will I use to make me happy?? And how do I make sure that I don't do something to replace it (and from what I have been doing so far, no worries, I will not be replacing it with exercise, even though it will release those groovy endorphins though!!).
I think about the rituals of drug/alcohol use, and what goes along with that. The hiding, the sneaking, the guilt after partaking, the looking at yourself in the mirror and think "what am I doing to myself". I can relate to all of that, and do everyone of those things only with food.
We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep, and I intend to keep no more secrets. Thoughts in my head are what got me to this point in my life-thoughts outside of my head will get me out of it.
And sorry again I forgot to weigh myself today!! I think that I might be avoiding this some out of fear of what the number will be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Again I am supposed to be a pro at this, but lets not forget that it is much easier to fix someone elses chaos rather than your own. Can you imagine how truly crazy psychiatrists are!!! I can only imagine.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
this is so harder than I thought
While I have been doing this lifestyle change thingy for about a week or so ( I know long time right), I am finding that there are a number of glaring reasons that this is going to be difficult for me. First being that I love food.. All kinds of food, and I LOVE eating. Mainly because there is a comfort that comes with eating. Second being I do not exercise, and when I attempt it is a complete disaster. I can't believe that I was going to attempt this on the Biggest Loser where they kick your tail for like 8 hours a day.. I can hardly do 30 minutes. I know, I know this is a process and I will get used to this.
I am surprised somewhat at how early I am discouraged by all of this. I don't know that I am lazy by nature, but that must be the case, given my lack of desire to follow through. I don't know if I can pin point the time in my life when I decided to give up.
While I haven't always been "fat", I have always been a "big girl." You know that there are just some girls that are not destined to be petite and when you are 5"10 in the 7th grade you know that you are not that girl!! I was bigger than all the other girls, and even some of the boys (now if that isn't a kick in the teeth!!). What I also learned there was that while I had friends, I was still getting made fun of. I got made fun of for my clothes, for being big, for my laugh, my acne, and much more things that I have blocked out. I learned quickly that it didn't matter if I was skinnier, there would still be those other things for people to make fun of me about. What is even worse that as much as I hated being made fun of, I started making fun of others, out of attempt to get them before they got me. What terrible mistakes that we make in high school.
I can also pin point significant increase in my eating when my dad died. Most people who go through something traumatic they cant eat. Not me. I found that if I stayed in the kitchen eating I wouldn't have to go in the other room and hear random people tell me what a great person my dad was. This I already knew, and knowing that didn't change the fact that he was dead. I learned quickly that food could keep me away from people and if I want to play amateur psychiatrist I could say that I got fat to keep people away, because you know that some people think that fat-ness is catchy!!!
The main thing that us "fat folks" (no need to be politically correct) do is delude ourselves into believing that we are okay with being this way. Every time we go shopping and can not find anything, we know that it isn't okay. Every time we go to a restaurant and see other people gawking at the fat girl eating (as if we should never get legitimately hungry and require a meal) we know that it isn't okay, and when we are with our skinny friends (and to all my skinny friends I LOVE you!!!) we know it isn't okay. So my decision is to delude myself NO MORE. I love most things around me and this is a fairly new development. I love my personality, intelligence, capabilities, and my wit and charm :)!! What I do not love is my weight, and my main delusion was that all if I was skinny I would automatically love myself-well I know that the other stuff has to come first.
Remember, this is my attempt at free therapy!!! And I was going to weigh myself today and doing a weekly update of weight lost, but I forgot and my only scale is at work (because it is against my religious beliefs to have one at home:)!! I will try to remember tomorrow!!
I am surprised somewhat at how early I am discouraged by all of this. I don't know that I am lazy by nature, but that must be the case, given my lack of desire to follow through. I don't know if I can pin point the time in my life when I decided to give up.
While I haven't always been "fat", I have always been a "big girl." You know that there are just some girls that are not destined to be petite and when you are 5"10 in the 7th grade you know that you are not that girl!! I was bigger than all the other girls, and even some of the boys (now if that isn't a kick in the teeth!!). What I also learned there was that while I had friends, I was still getting made fun of. I got made fun of for my clothes, for being big, for my laugh, my acne, and much more things that I have blocked out. I learned quickly that it didn't matter if I was skinnier, there would still be those other things for people to make fun of me about. What is even worse that as much as I hated being made fun of, I started making fun of others, out of attempt to get them before they got me. What terrible mistakes that we make in high school.
I can also pin point significant increase in my eating when my dad died. Most people who go through something traumatic they cant eat. Not me. I found that if I stayed in the kitchen eating I wouldn't have to go in the other room and hear random people tell me what a great person my dad was. This I already knew, and knowing that didn't change the fact that he was dead. I learned quickly that food could keep me away from people and if I want to play amateur psychiatrist I could say that I got fat to keep people away, because you know that some people think that fat-ness is catchy!!!
The main thing that us "fat folks" (no need to be politically correct) do is delude ourselves into believing that we are okay with being this way. Every time we go shopping and can not find anything, we know that it isn't okay. Every time we go to a restaurant and see other people gawking at the fat girl eating (as if we should never get legitimately hungry and require a meal) we know that it isn't okay, and when we are with our skinny friends (and to all my skinny friends I LOVE you!!!) we know it isn't okay. So my decision is to delude myself NO MORE. I love most things around me and this is a fairly new development. I love my personality, intelligence, capabilities, and my wit and charm :)!! What I do not love is my weight, and my main delusion was that all if I was skinny I would automatically love myself-well I know that the other stuff has to come first.
Remember, this is my attempt at free therapy!!! And I was going to weigh myself today and doing a weekly update of weight lost, but I forgot and my only scale is at work (because it is against my religious beliefs to have one at home:)!! I will try to remember tomorrow!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
lets get it started
My goodness, I dont have any idea what I am doing, but I was inspired by a friend of mine who started a blog and I thought "hey I can do that." The only difference is I am not doing this as an attempt to raise awareness about something, but as an attempt to give myself a level of accountability. Follow through is not something that I am very good at, so my hope is that if I know that other people are reading what I am doing I am more likely to follow through.
Some of you know that I tried out for the Biggest Loser last summer-the current season is the season that I would have been on had I actually made it. I personally believe that I didnt make it strictly because I tried out alone rather than in a couple-because lets face it, I would make GREAT TV!!! If not because of my sense of humor, the sheer hysterical laughter that would come to those watching me exercise!!
After I did not make it on the Biggest Loser I, subconsciously I think, began eating terrible-worse than I already was. As though I would teach the Biggest Loser a lesson by continuing to get fat. Smart thinking isnt it. So I have decided to no longer sabotage myself and learn to change my life, and do it on my own. Millions of people can make a lifestyle change without a TV show, and so can I.
The plan for me is to begin eating better and exercising. If I make it any stricter than that I think that I will be setting myself up to fail. I will NOT fail in this.
My hope is to make this free therapy for myself, so my apologies to those who attempt to follow this blog. Good luck to us all!!
Some of you know that I tried out for the Biggest Loser last summer-the current season is the season that I would have been on had I actually made it. I personally believe that I didnt make it strictly because I tried out alone rather than in a couple-because lets face it, I would make GREAT TV!!! If not because of my sense of humor, the sheer hysterical laughter that would come to those watching me exercise!!
After I did not make it on the Biggest Loser I, subconsciously I think, began eating terrible-worse than I already was. As though I would teach the Biggest Loser a lesson by continuing to get fat. Smart thinking isnt it. So I have decided to no longer sabotage myself and learn to change my life, and do it on my own. Millions of people can make a lifestyle change without a TV show, and so can I.
The plan for me is to begin eating better and exercising. If I make it any stricter than that I think that I will be setting myself up to fail. I will NOT fail in this.
My hope is to make this free therapy for myself, so my apologies to those who attempt to follow this blog. Good luck to us all!!
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