I figured that today's blog should be about addiction since I should be a pro at this, seeings how it is my job and all. While I understand that addiction is the sickness and not the specific drug of choice there was something about my life that I didn't relate to being the same thing.
I meet with clients every day that are one step away from death, prison, losing their children for good, and losing relationships with family. They have lost most things around them around them due to their addiction to drugs and alcohol. The only difference between me and them is that while I haven't lost my family, I am not going to prison and I have not lost my child to DHS-I am attempting to cheat death and miss out on my child's life. You could also say that I have lost a level of self respect since I have let myself go as far as I have. Another difference between my addiction and theirs is that I have to still eat. I cant just stop using my "drug of choice". I tell clients every day that they have to stop using their drug of choice and their lives will be miraculously different, better (don't worry I know that it takes more than that). I on the other hand have to start learning to use food what it is intended for. It is intended for survival and survival only. I need it to live, not to make me happy. I have to learn to stop using food for comfort, for acceptance, hell-for pleasure. This I fear will be a daunting task. What will I have next?? What else will I use to make me happy?? And how do I make sure that I don't do something to replace it (and from what I have been doing so far, no worries, I will not be replacing it with exercise, even though it will release those groovy endorphins though!!).
I think about the rituals of drug/alcohol use, and what goes along with that. The hiding, the sneaking, the guilt after partaking, the looking at yourself in the mirror and think "what am I doing to myself". I can relate to all of that, and do everyone of those things only with food.
We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep, and I intend to keep no more secrets. Thoughts in my head are what got me to this point in my life-thoughts outside of my head will get me out of it.
And sorry again I forgot to weigh myself today!! I think that I might be avoiding this some out of fear of what the number will be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Again I am supposed to be a pro at this, but lets not forget that it is much easier to fix someone elses chaos rather than your own. Can you imagine how truly crazy psychiatrists are!!! I can only imagine.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Your post today made me cry. I can totally relate to this. Food has become my drug of choice--or perhaps it always has been. Your blog really has me thinking. I remember when my parents were getting divorced--I took up "baking" as a hobby, but really it was just an excuse to get to eat a lot of crap. And, the last three years have been spent the same way--feeding my face to "cope with" the pain. Really it is more about avoiding the pain or even adding to it. I have never really thought of it as an addiction but I think you are right, it totally is. Your blog is forcing me to look at my life/weight/food issues in a new light. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, the offer still stands to be diet buddies. I really need someone to keep me in check and help keep me motivated.
I liked this blog a lot.
ReplyDeleteJust yesterday, I got SOOOO upset about something at work. I was all anxious and worked up and I could literally feel this ball of tension in my stomach.
I went to Wal-Mart to "relax" which is what I do. However, before I could go there I knew I had to go through McDonald's drive through first, because I knew that if I binged on something really bad, I would feel better. How sick and wrong is that? I totally think fook addiction is an addiction, I get it. I felt "better" after eating bad food, even though I felt bad for doing it. I think you are helping more than just yourself by posting these blogs. Keep writing man. Plus, accountability has now started for you, I look forward to reading the blog and you can bet your ass I will be asking where the hell it is if you miss a day!
Love ya!!
I poured my heart out hear and it wouldn't let me post it until I made a Google account. Considering it is 3:15 am I will do the re-pouring tomorrow. Watch for it, it's a heart breaker. lol
ReplyDeleteThanks guys.. I appreaciate the well wishes, and am glad that you are liking the blog. It is extremely theraputic even after just a few!!.
ReplyDeleteJennifer- I have to say that I was so hoping that you would read this because I KNOW that you will be on my tail if I dont follow through, and you will be honest with me no matter what,, love you for that.
Megan-you by far are one of the strongest ladies I know. Your example at work was very helpful to me in learning that you can not do what you think is right even though it would be appreciated by those you work with. I would love to be diet buddies.. We have to figure out how to do that. Maybe we can meet online at night on facebook and we can IM about what we did for the day?? how does that sound??