Progress!!

Okay, so I have not been very good about writing, and I wont lie, it is basically because I am lazy and I really havent had anything really profound to say. Here is a little update. I had a dr apppointment about the time i started this whole diet deal around the end of January/early February. I didnt allow the nurse to tell me what my weight was at the time, but then i had a 6+month follow up to that appointment last wednesday. I allowed the dr to tell me what my weight was that last time and it was (gasp) 362 !! Well, at this newest appointment my weight was 312!! Mama is down 50 pounds, and only 13 pounds to get below 300. The dr said that is the lowest weight that they have on record for me EVER!!! Along with that weight loss, My blood pressure went down 32 points! 112/80 (perfect i hear!). He also said that my lungs sounded "beautiful". Now since I am an addict and my first thought is wrong ALWAYS, i actually heard "see smoking isnt causing any damage so go ahead and keep smoking!" (One thing at a time ladies!!).

What a day that day was. I had been getting frustrated at this hole ordeal, and lets face it, I was frustrated from the beginning. I have been doing Zumba (not the traditional Zumba) and in all reality it is a class that basically just kicks my tail and i have actually been following through with it. The main reason why i continue to do this class, other than it is fun, is that I am fairly close to being the biggest girl there (probably by a good 200 pounds!!) and I am keeping up with all these tiny ladies (sometimes behind a little bit because i am about as coordinated as a giraffe!).

As I have been on a break from writing here, I have also been learning some things about myself. I have been learning that there is alot that is ugly about me. I am judgemental, I have unrealistic expectations, I am sometimes angry just to be angry, I am mean, and just general ugliness! I realized that even if I got skinny, all that stuff would still be ugly about me. I cover all this ugliness with a very LOUD sense of humor. In order for me to fix what is ugly i have to identify that in all situations I am the problem. Now some would read that and say "well not really all". but oh yes, ALL! And if you think about it, that is very empowering. If I am the problem then I can fix that. if someone or something else is the problem i cant do a single thing about that. I have to keep my side of the street clean. If i do that then i have no problems. For an addict we spend our lives attempting to manage things that are unmanageable and then get frustrated that we cant manage something unmangeable!!! DER!!!! So, i have to keep my thinking in check and to do so I remind myself daily that "my first thought is wrong". Along with keeping my thinking in check and going to that second or third thought in order to go healthy, I have to live a life that is grateful, always. I am not special because of anything that I have been through. I am not special because I have anything looking ahead. I am special simply because I take in air, and God said that I could wake up this morning and for that I am grateful. Not only am I glad that God said that I could wake up this morning, I am glad that God said those around me could wake up this morning. I dont have control over anything, but myself and I am okay with that (alright, i am working on being okay with that).

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

bad girl

Well I have been a bad girl, for this whole last week. It is making me nervous a little bit because I can hear some of that really negative self talk like "oh, just screw it", and "whatever, I will get back on the stick on Monday". I dont know what my problem is. Okay, well I do. I have been stuck at 328 for a couple of weeks now I think with no movement. I am used to a couple of pounds every time that I weigh myself and I know that i am getting discouraged. And as I write this I think big darn baby. I dont know what my problem is. The only positive is that I am not eating a TON of stuff, just allowing myself some of the naughty stuff that I havent been. I am just unrealistic enough to believe that I shouldnt have to work much in order to achieve this goal. I just want to not eat very much and magically have the weight disappear. I am going to have to exercise and I havent been.

This is a boring one, but I had to write because I have been doing badly, and need to be accountable for what I am doing. I do intend to do better and start working more at it, even though my mind is saying "I don't wanna" and "I dont care". I am going to power through it.. No giving up.. not for me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sins of the mother

Okay, all excuses aside, I am just terrible at keeping up with this. Could be that I am lazy, and I will just admit it (as though it isn't obvious to those of you who know me).

I am still doing well and am down another two pounds from the last time that I wrote, but am holding firm that it is "that time of the month" and there is some water weight that is hanging out there affecting that number.

I remind myself often that in all reality I lost 20 pounds in 2 months, so I am pretty proud of that and that is what helps keep me motivated to continue in the change process. I do have to say though that the change process is still difficult for. I do find that I am attempting to talk myself into splurges, and have caved from time to time, but definitely pay for it later. A perfect example is the other day I was not in my normal element and didn't get to pick awesome choices for my eating for day. I will admit and take full ownership that I could have done better than I did. I ate an apple fritter for breakfast (ohh from hy-vee so yummy), mcdonalds chicken nuggets (10 piece, yes I said 10 piece-shame shame) and french fries for lunch, and little ceasers pizza (2 pieces and about 4 breadsticks) for supper. Ridiculous day I know. But I totally paid for it later. I was so sick, in all areas (so lets not elaborate, right!!). I was up all night long. I learned a couple of things from this fateful day. First being that when I had been allowing myself to cheat before it was never the whole day, so I have been learning how to make boundaries and not go over board, and a treat is just that a treat. Second being that it doesn't take your body long to learn that "hey this stuff doesn't belong here", while your brain still says "this is the most heavenly morsels that God ever created". (My brain thinks in detail when it comes to food!!:). The last being that I was being terrible to my body before. That meal, in all reality, was a good deal LESS that what I could have normally eaten in a day prior to this life change. My average day before this looked a bit like this (sharing embarrassing stuff hasn't gotten any easier either): Breakfast-two iced honey buns and a large coffee with cream and caramel syrup; usually some sort of snack before lunch; Lunch-a package of Ramen Noodles (mmmmm) a bagel with turkey and cheese, chips and some sort of sweetness for desert; Supper-Spaghetti (heaping plate full of pasta) smothered in shredded cheese, a salad, and bread (several pieces of garlic bread), then usually some sort of snack afterwards before bed, maybe even an entire bad of microwave popcorn (extra butter of course). It is awful to even write this down, and I wondered why I was so big. I was so delusional that I could look in the mirror and be like "where did all this come from?"

What I am afraid of now, because I had no concept of portion control or healthy eating, I passed that very unhealthy trait on to my unsuspecting 5 year old, giving him excessive amounts of food simply because I didn't understand healthy portions. He by no means is overweight so I am not worried about that because he is a wonderfully active little boy, but he is a big boy (brick shit house comes to mind!). So when I think about how I would like to give up I think of him and remember that it is not his fault I am unhealthy and he shouldn't have to learn that same bad behavior. So more changes to come in the Short house, and we are all on board.

What amazing things we can learn about ourselves if we chose to take a second and realize that we are not perfect, we have flaws, and we can all stand to grow some out of our box.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

whew!

Again, a thousand apologies for the lack of attendance on my part writing the blogs. I am fairly boring in nature, so I dont have very much to say on a daily basis.

I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).

I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

a little less

And what I mean by a little less, I mean a little less of ME!!! just weighed myself and another 4 pounds down!!! But I am not going to keep weighing myself so often, and will wait until the monthly marker when I do my measurements.

Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.

I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

naughty

Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.

Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.

I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

worth it all

I think that today has been the greatest day I have had for some time. I did my measurments and each area (hips, waist, chest, thigh, upper arm) was at least 1 inch SMALLER!!! Did you get that:) Each area at LEAST 1 inch smaller. A couple of them were over an inch!! And if that isnt enough, there were numbers on my scale this morning!! a month ago I was too big for it. But today there were numbers- now they may go away tomorrow, until I get well under the amount that it is designed for. The number today was 339.2!!

What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.

I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.

There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ohh the anticipation!!!

I actually am looking forward to tomorrow.. Tomorrow I check my measurements to see if I have made any head way in the last month. It is weird to be looking forward to measuring yourself, which is kind of like weighing yourself. The even greater thing about measuring is, is that I have no idea what the numbers mean, so it isn't like weighing myself when I know what that number means (certain panic attack to come soon after).

Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.

I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.

I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Winning Battles

I will first start by saying don't freak out that I haven't written in a while (because I know that every ones life revolves around what I eat!!) because I have NOT fallen off the wagon, or given up the trek. It is actually becoming much easier for me and it would seem that a blog is kind of like a personal journal for me, I only write when things are going badly. But that is not the purpose of this blog, it is for me to continue to have accountability in my life, get my thoughts out (because you know they are a hot mess if I leave them in my head) and maybe even provide encouragement to other people.

I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.

As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.

This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 10

Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

So what- this isn't a one time fix it all. I will constantly have flaws!! I wonder if it is at all like the mail and that glorious 1 week in between when all your bills are paid and you don't get anything but junk mail in the mail!!! I love that week. Hopefully I will get a little while in between:)

About the time that we think that we are comfortable is about the same time that we are usually inches away from right back to where we started.

I have been working on my victim mentality, yelling, and unrealistic expectations. Those are very difficult for one to get rid of. My job is currently still up in the air and I am struggling some with self pity about that, but doing well by not eating to cope. I am trying with the unrealistic expectations of other people. This meaning, that I am not living in la-la land thinking that there aren't mean people, and my husband should just know what I am thinking, and that my kid can certainly figure out how to NOT POOP his pants (don't even get me started) because apparently those things are not realistic.

Now identifying flaws, while very difficult for me at time, the most difficult is the whole "promptly" thing. It takes me a minute (and usually the help of someone else-thanks Cindy) for me to realize my flaws. Better late than never right?? Recovery is a journey not a destination and I intend to make it a lovely trip! Starting by not being so critical- and being realistic. Accepting that this is new for me and as long as I am having more good days than bad then I am good. I am not going to lose hundreds of pounds in a few months like I would have if i would have made it on the biggest loser (Damn them for not picking me), but I will become what I am supposed to be.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

great news!!!

Well I cant believe that I haven't written in a whole week. I was super busy this week.

I do have some great news though. I had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and he told me that I have lost 15 pounds since August.. that is 2 pounds a month, and if you figure that I have only been dieting for a couple of months, so it is way better than that!!!! hey if i have to convince myself that is what happened then I will:) It will keep me motivated so I will use it!!! He also told me that my most recent diabetes check came back so good that I don't have to automatically get another one next year like I have had to do for the last 5 years. They always came back fine before, but close to being high, so he always made me do it automatically every year, but NO MORE!!!! My blood pressure was wonderful, but I guess that isn't too big of a deal because it always is, but great to hear nonetheless. He also gave me a prescription for water aerobics so my insurance will pay for it!!:) I cant wait to get that started and I have my first appointment next Monday. I am feeling really good right now. I have continued to do well and been watching calories (although I had a couple of not so great days this week and I totally ate out of emotional reasons, but I totally got right back on track!!). However the exercise has gone out the window.. I didn't exercise the whole week.. No yoga, no nothing.. And I feel like sh** so I am paying the consequences. I do have the best friend on the planet and i have mentioned her before (Jennifer) and she sent me a Dirty Dancing work out video!!! i cant wait!!!

I will get back next week to step 10, and watch out it will be a dozy!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 9

Step 9- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I really don't know what to write about this step outside of who I need to make amends to and I already did that. In order for me to make amends to the people that I need to (gunner and bryan) is for me to live my amends. Live my life like I want to be alive for a while. Understanding that me sticking with these changes is to their benefit because I will still be around. And lets face it, it would be a benefit to every ones life if I was still around. :)

The idea about amends that people get confused with is they think that it simply means saying sorry. It is kind of like saying that you love some one. You don't just say it, you have to show that you love them.

Today was just another day where I was hating this whole diet thing. I was getting frustrated and angry that I couldn't order lunch with everyone else!! How pitiful am I. As I was realizing how foolish it was to be angry about not being able to eat, I realized that I am not only doing this for me but for my family. I refuse to talk out both sides of my mouth and say how much I love Gunner and then kill myself with food.

I am doing well, and no matter how much I have complained I have stuck with this whole thing from the go. I wont lie, the exercise is not as often as it was, but still doing that, and yoga 3 times a week at work (whoever said that was relaxing what high because it is so NOT!!). I continue to watch calories and keep under about 2000 every day, so I think that is pretty good. Snacks remain at a minimum, and only healthy things. For the most part I am not indulging in any cravings, so that I am proud of. Yay me!!!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

be careful what you wish for

No step today -still am trying to figure out what to say about step 9 anyway.

In a previous blog a good friend (love you Jennifer) encouraged me to identify 3 character defects that I could work on getting rid of. One of the things that I listed was trying to let go of my victim mentality (which I have written about before). It is very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Today was no different.

In general I have been not having any fun with this whole "lifestyle change" deal. (Now don't get me wrong, I have liked that my pants are loser and can wear a size smaller shirt in some makes). Which we understand that there is nothing comfortable or fun with making change because usually when we are making change it isn't something that we wanted to do in the first place, and I am convinced that I was born with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. I have been having the normal feelings of I want to quit, I am fine fat (crazy!!) and all that garbage that comes with it.

This started yesterday when I purchased a scale and totally learned why I didn't own one in the first place. BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT FOR A SCALE!!! You know that you are in trouble, when you weigh more than the scales are made for. I am going to write the number down because that is one things that I have been witholding and when I started this whole deal I started it in order to be honest with myself. We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep. I am also writing this down because I am trying to learn that I have to get my feelings about the way that I feel about myself, good or bad, from me and if people want to make fun of me because of the number then by all means make fun of me (I may punch you in the face, but go ahead), AND people who make fun of me are not people that I care to have any relationship with. The last reason that I am writing the number down is because my new goal is to be able to use a normal scale. The number is 350. Even as I write this down, I have deleted it several times because it is embarrassing to write down.

When I saw that number it became so overwhelming to me. Why bother. It is not like I am trying to lose like 20 pounds here, its more that 220 pounds here. This will take a long time and lets face it, it is easier for me to be fat-I've spent over 10 years that way, I am good at it.

In general I am still trying to figure out how I got this way and what it is that I am trying to deal with by eating. I don't know what that is and really feel that it started for certain reasons, but hasn't continued because of those same reasons. I really feel that it is simply because I am lazy and the idea of having to lose that much weight is too overwhelming for me, and it is easier to just stay the way that I am. BUT if I stay the way that I am ,my son, the most precious thing in my life, suffers because I wont be around. So then it cant just be that I am lazy and don't want to work because that it would be like I was saying that I didn't love him because if I did I would put the effort into making change.

So rather than wallow (like normal) I am baring it all- keeping no secrets (and super glad there are only 5 "followers" of this blog). I love my son and I am committed to doing whatever I need to do in order to be well for him. The idea of faking it until I make it is true in this instance because if it were just me then I wouldn't bother- understanding that it has to be for me is something that I will have to continue to work out as I go. So, as I said I was going to use this as free therapy I have decided that I need a little more than free therapy. I am going to start seeing a professional to help sort my thoughts (and don't worry, I already have an appointment do this isn't just a "when I get around to it" deal). So hopefully you will be benefactors of what I learn there too. And I also know that I am still capable, competent, and gosh darn it, good at what I do, even if I need a little help myself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 8

Step 8- Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Goodness, if I were to make a list of all those people I would have to apologize to everyone that I have ever come in contact with.
To keep it specific, I can identify the people that I have wronged, simply out of my own insecurities.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was terrible in high school. I was mean, I made fun of people, and I spread gossip about people. I was rude to teachers, and disruptive in classes. When I was preparing to go to my 10 year reunion, the way that I behaved in school came back to haunt me and I was so nervous to go. I am embarrassed now to think back about how I was in school. I wasn't always that way, and when I found that I would be made fun of no matter what- and thank you for that Justin Shy (I just might never forgive him)-I thought, what better thing to do was make fun of others before they could make fun of me, or so I didn't care that they did. I have had the opportunity to specifically apologize to a couple of those people and did share with them that it was my own insecurities and jealousy of them that caused me to single them out as I did. It is a wonder that they have even chosen to speak to me, but I am glad that they did. So to anyone I harmed in high school, if you read this, my apologies.

The next person that my own insecurities hurt is my husband. At times it would seem that I treat him as though it is his fault that I am heavy. When I am feeling insecure I attempt to make him think that he is making me feel that way. I tell him that he doesn't love me, or I will call myself fat or ugly in attempt to get him to remind me that I am not, and when he doesn't (because he isn't always that quick to catch what I am doing!) I immediately try to make him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I have allowed myself to get the way that I am. I know that he loves me no matter what, and sometimes am amazed that he has stayed married to me as long as he has (and lets me realistic, sometimes I deserve a medal too for staying with him!!!).

The most important person in my life that I have to make amends to is my son. Gunner is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. He is the greatest present I have ever received and the most prized responsibility that I have. I have knowingly been slowly killing myself the entire time he has been alive. I sometimes believe that if I truly loved him then I would make sure that I am around for him for as long as I can and that dieting should be easy if I loved him. But that isn't the case. It is just like a parent who is addicted to drugs. Their addiction to drugs doesn't mean that they don't love their kids (in some cases yes, but not all). Their desire is still to be good parents, and they attempt to do their best, but their addiction grabs hold of them, and hides that desire and deludes it into believing that if we just do certain things, we are still being a good parent. Me changing my life is because of him as well as myself.

And as I said the list could go on and on, but I fear if I were to continue I would run out of room:)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 7

Here we go


Step 7- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I personally like the word shortcomings rather than defects!! Shortcomings say that there are things that we could do better but defects is just a reminder that there is something wrong with us.

Humble means- not proud or arrogant; courteously respectful (according to dictionary.com). My pride is a personal weakness for me (man I am learning that I have way to many of those things!!). Some pride is okay- like the pride I have in my abilities at work, so I do my best to make sure that all of my clients get the best care possible, or my pride in being a good mom- making sure that every decision that I make is in Gunner's best interest. The other pride, is not okay- like my insistence that my opinion is necessary in all situations (I know, this is a HUGE shocker to me to guys!), like my pride in that I feel that I am always right (again, big shocker that I am not), or like my pride that I didn't need to take care of my body or health for certainly I will live forever.

I also personally believe that low self esteem can be a form of pride to. The poor me syndrome, "Oh I am not good enough" (when deep down I know that I am), "I don't know what to say" (which if I took half a second to think about what I was saying rather than just blurt out whatever comes to mind, I would), or "My ideas aren't important" (so let the whole idea suffer without offering something that could possibly make it better).

The longer that I am a martyr in all situations the longer that people fear sorry for me the better I feel about myself because I am the center of attention and they are focusing on me and how to make me feel better. ( Man self reflection is painful!).

To learn humility is to learn gratitude. Until I am humble I will never be grateful for what I have nor will I truly take care of what I have. God help me to be humble.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 6

I'll just jump right in..

Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.

I love the steps (if I haven't said that before) because they take as at our pace. They work us into change- the definition of meeting us where we are at. First we identify the problems, we admit the problem, and THEN we become ready for the problems to leave.

The sad thing about character defects they are usually ones that we have come to enjoy, find comfort in, and as I said before, indulge in our negative coping skills. The idea of them being gone all together is frightening.

I smoke cigarettes (which I love right now so no one tell me to quit!!!) and along with every other human being on the planet who smokes, I smoke to get some sort of relief-usually stress or a situation that I don't know how to control, or when I need to cool down for fear that I might blow up. Now in all reality the smoking isn't the problem (outside of being unhealthy) it is the fact that I don't know how to properly deal with stress, anger, or unmanageables. Now the key here is that I NEED all of these things to still be around if I want to continue smoking. If they are gone and I smoke then I am a fool. I am a fool because I am just slowly killing myself for no reason. If there is a reason then all of the sudden it makes sense to smoke. I have to. The longer I tell myself that, the longer I will still be able to have my indulgence. So-back to my point. We need these not great things about us the longer that we want to indulge. I need to have my self esteem remain low (and although it is getting better at times it is frighteningly low!!), I need to want to avoid negative feelings because I don't have any idea of how to deal with them properly. I still want to indulge. The time that I finally make a decision that I want to stop doing these unhealthy things is when I will decide to deal with those reasons that make me want to do those unhealthy things.

Now on to my other questions. If this is so clear then why is it so hard!! The idea about recovery is very simple in theory-not necessarily easy to do. For example the idea of a checkbook is very simple in theory- put in money, write a check to pay the bills. However that does not automatically make it easy to do. For example, I have to know how to add and subtract, I have to be organized and write everything down (thank god for online banking!!), I have to be honest and have some self control to not write checks when there is no money in the account, I have to have money to put into the account... and so on. The idea of recovery, very simple Just don't do whatever it is that is making your life unmanageable. The actual actions that requires are not easy to do.

The last part is to understand again that God has to take that stuff away, because if we knew how to do it then we wouldn't have to get rid of them in the first place because we wouldn't have them to begin with!!

On a side note-next Monday will be my first weigh in after the initial one so I will be able to see how things are going with me. I am noticing that clothes are fitting differently (better) so that is always a plus, and I am not so winded after doing things (like taking the stairs at work YUCKO!!)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. !!!

Step 5 (dont you know that the time is right)

And sadly my tribute to New Kids is over, now that I am at step 5:(

I don't know if you are noticing but the steps are getting harder and harder. I think that is probably the point, but I tell you what, there is nothing fun about it.

Step 5- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This is why AA works so well. They truly understand accountability and that we has human beings would lie to ourselves forever it was just ourselves that we were lying to. Luckily that most of us have souls (Although there are some people I question a little bit) and we cant lie to other people. My mom used to always tell me "your sin will find you out" and I really believe that. What we do in secret will come to light in some way or another.

I think about how I used to hide my eating. Eat in secret, eat before my husband came home and just tell him I wasn't hungry, offer to clean up after a meal so I can keep sneaking bites, etc and believing that I was hiding this big secret. As though people didn't see me fat and think "i just don't understand how she got so fat,, we never saw her eat,, she must be getting fat without eating at all!!" DUH!!! My sin found me out. My body is a glaring example of what I do in secret. The truth is, is that we can keep most things a secret for a while, but they will inevitably come out.

Admitting our flaws to God is easy- He is supposed to love us no matter what. He made us (so I suppose he could take some of the blame for our flaws right???-uhh probably not, and I am just glad I didn't burst into flames for even saying that!). He wont say anything, he wont reject us because of what he admit to him because he already knows it and it is just a matter of us being willing to admit it.

Admitting our flaws to another person is a completely different story. As much as we feel that we can trust someone they can still lie to us, still hurt us, and still take advantage of us. Not even on purpose all of the time. The idea of telling someone else our flaws is like being naked in front of the person you love for the first time. We expose ourselves to them and pray to God that they don't look at us, puke and run out of the room (come on ladies, you know we have all had that moment before "the first time" were we are sitting in the bathroom figuring out how to walk with our stomachs sucked in, and trying to make granny panties look cute because they make our belly look flatter!). But when we finally get through that fear and the one we love accepts us, tells us we are beautiful, and looks at us as though there was no one else that was a pretty as we were, we are relieved that we "took the plunge." If we would have remained in our fear then would have completely cheated ourselves out of the joy of that moment. But the problem is, us insecure folks constantly do that-cheat ourselves out of happy moments because we don't think that we deserve them, or sometimes (and this is really bad) we would just rather be unhappy. The longer that we are unhappy the longer we can indulge every unhealthy coping skill we have.

So once we share ourselves completely with someone else, while it may start out very uncomfortable the result is complete relief and joy. Now finding that one to share these things with, I don't know about ladies. The only way that I believe trust works is that you have to just give some out to begin with. Just like giving a kid the car right after they get their license. You have to just trust them at the beginning to they can continue to earn the privilege of driving. We have to give before we can receive the privilege of fulfillment.

Hmmm.. So much to think about.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 4 (I can give you more)

The days just keep getting better. I actually was able to by a shirt one size smaller than normal!!! And it isn't skin tight. Even Gunner gave me a hi-five. There is something completely validating about a 5 year old when he is proud of you!

Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Fearless??? I don't know about fearless. I don't think that there is anything fearless about identifying every not great thing about myself. I understand an entire inventory includes the positive as well as the negative, but I have to be realistic, it isn't the great stuff about me that made me sick, it was the other junk, that is usually easier to see.

There is one thing that we must understand about these steps and that there is a way to identify flaws, but not go into this tailspin about how rotten and terrible people we are. Understanding humility is understanding that I am not perfect (don't tell my husband this because he is convinced that I am, or at least I am trying to get him to believe that).

This is one step that is difficult for me to write about because a searching and fearless moral inventory will take time and it will be something that I will need to do constantly. This whole process is a journey, not a destination.

The main "flaw" that I have is understanding that there are things that I can control and things that I cant ( the reason I love the serenity prayer and have to end every post with that). This not necessarily stuff that happens to me, it is people. I cant control how people act toward me. I cant control if people (clients) refuse my help. I cant control how people treat those I love. I cant control people who I don't understand why they do what they do. But man I wish that I could.

I am learning and although these blogs have been closer to the ramblings of a looney toon rather than any kind of wisdom, I am learning so much about myself it is hard to put into words. Reviewing and studying the steps is so enlightening to me and such a feeling of being free, it is amazing. There is no self help book that Dr. Phil could write that is better than the 12 steps.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 3 (its just you and me)

Overall, I have to first say that today was a GREAT day in comparison to yesterday.

Step 3- "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

My will. That thing that gets me into trouble all the time. The idea that in all situations my opinion is wanted or even requested. The idea that my way of doing things is the right way (do NOT tell my husband that this is not the truth:))! The idea that I must have all that I want, not just what I need. Those (and many other thinking errors that I have) are what my will consists of. What I want when I want it. When you put it on paper that sounds way worse and almost childlike, which is why I don't want to admit that I totally think like that.

Someone told me when I was pregnant that it would change my life completely once my little one was born. People always say that you no longer live for yourself, but your child. That is the truth. The decisions that I would have made in the past are not the decisions that I made now because I had the responsibility for someone else under me. I had to understand that the decisions that I made couldn't be in my best interest, but his. It changes what you view as important. He trusts me with making the right decisions for his life. He believes that I have his best interest at hear when making decisions, and the real kicker is that he doesn't always like those decisions.

I do not like being told that my way of doing things isn't the right way. I don't like being told that I am wrong (which no worries, it doesn't happen often!). I don't like being told that my opinion is not always necessary (again not something that happens much!!). I don't like being told that there are not great things about me. But I have to believe that there is Someone that can make better decisions in all situations and should I just seek out their advice then my life would be a whole lot easier. My thought is is that if He can figure out how to create the entire universe and every thing in it, and keep it running every day then He certainly can control my little life.

Like I said before my belief in God makes these initial steps easier for me. If your Higher Power isn't God, then I don't know how to explain it to you, other than, we are the ones that made a mess of our lives. If we knew the right way to do it then we wouldn't have made it a mess in the first place. We need help to clean up the mess. Just like my son doesn't always like the decisions I make for him, or he doesn't understand them, deep down I know that he knows that I love him and his best interest is at heart~ so it is with my Higher Power, I don't necessarily understand or like the decisions, or think that I can do it better, but my way causes more trouble than not my way.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 2 (there's so much we can do)

I think that I just might keep up with the New Kids theme on my step work too!! Although I can only get to step five!!

Step 2- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The great thing about the steps is that there is so many things in just one step. There is so much to understand and so much that goes with just one step. That is why they are so powerful and so effective.

A power greater than ourselves- There have been times in my life where I have questioned "A Power greater than me?? Certainly not??" (We addicts also suffer from delusions from time to time:))! I was raised in a home that religion and faith in God was a daily thing. My mother literally had "faith to move mountains" and I have only truly understood that as I got older. The one thing that I truly admire about my mom is that she has faith like no one I have ever known. She believes that if there is a storm coming and she prays that it wont, and it doesn't, it was her prayers that caused that. I am grateful that I got that faith from her. I do believe that God can do anything and when we trust in Him we achieve clarity in our own lives. So in all reality the idea of a "Power greater than me" is something that I am truly grateful for.

The idea of something being greater than us is to offer hope and wisdom understanding that there will be things in our lives that we can not do on our own or handle on our own unless we seek out help. I have been personally seeking out this greater Power in my dealings with people. I have been tested in a lot of areas recently (at work) that really push me to act not like I normally do. Relying on my Higher Power is what helps me get through my days.

Also a Higher Power is strongest in our weakness and we are made strong in our weakness be His help. There are things that we feel that we "can not" do and actually they are things that we choose not to do because we are capable of anything. However in those times we feel that there isn't a choice, and if their is we aren't able to make it. A Higher Power helps to make those for us. So being nice to people who aren't nice to me is not something that I feel capable of, but I am capable if I allow my Higher Power to help me to be.

"can restore us to sanity". What is that!!!!! As a counselor I often wonder "Am I really healthy enough to be doing this". It is a good thing that clarity comes when you are looking at someone else's problems.

The reason that we addicts need Someone to restore sanity to us is that if we really understood what that meant would would have never allowed ourselves to get to the point that we are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The cycle of my food addiction is obviously that. One example being that I feel bad, so I eat; then feel bad for eating and then eat because I feel bad. If that isn't insanity then I don't know what is. It would seem that I am trying to avoid the feeling bad after I eat and only feeling good when I do eat. This doesn't seem to go away.

Tonight for me was a perfect example. Another rotten day at work and I had to drive around for a good hour until I had convinced myself to not eat!!! The good thing is that I was able to change my thinking, the bad thing is that my first response is to go right to food (oh, the joy of one day not feeling like that). The thing that helped me the most was realizing that if I eat, and ruin the great work I have started then those nasty rags I work with win. I suffer, they win-hello!!?!?!?!! INSANE?!?!?!?! During that time of driving around I finally had to stop and say "God help me!!!" It was then, when I finally stopped trying to figure out things myself (like why are people so NASTY some times) I was able to see clearly. An answer to my questions isn't always necessary. My willingness to understand that there wont always be one and that I don't always need one is what is necessary.

The main thing to understand here is that your Higher Power can be whatever you like, and I am not being "preachy", but just saying that there has to be something bigger than all of us, and why not take the help that we can. We need help to get out of the mess we are in.

I weighed myself today and was not as shocked by the number I saw. Remember I am not brave enough to post it here (give me a break,, i think that I have been honest about enough.. let me have this one thing) I am not going to weigh myself weekly, but am going to do it bi-weekly. I already have it written on my calendar, so I will keep you informed when I do.

and man oh man did I need this today
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

first compliment:)

I know that I take the weekend off, but I didnt get to write on Friday, due to being without a computer.. I will start tomorrow with Step 2. So I am not going to write much today, but I got my first compliment this weekend. What I mean by compliment is the ever wonderful to hear "have you lost weight??" "It sure looks like it!" YIPPEE!!!!! I was very glad to hear that, and although I am not doing this in order to get compliments, it is nice to hear when people can tell. I have also learned that I must finally weigh myself, so that I can see how this is going. If I am not losing anything I will be able to take a look at what I am doing and see if I am doing something wrong. So I will weigh myself tomorrow at work.. Now just so you all know, I am NOT brave enough to broadcast that number so I will not do that, but I will try to do a weekly/bi-weekly weight check in to see if I have lost anything. I am trying to focus on not the number, but the change in how I feel.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 1 (we can have lots of fun)

Did anyone catch the New Kids on the Block reference in the title :) You're welcome for that. I know I didn't post and don't worry, I didn't fall of the wagon or anything!! I was busy and couldn't get to it.

Since I have been referencing addiction throughout my posts what better thing to talk about than one of the best ways to deal with addiction, the 12 Steps of AA/NA. It is my personal believe that the steps are good practice for any random Joe, not just addicts. If people understood the steps and put them into practice I think that we would all be better people. So for the next 12 steps I will talk about how they apply to me. Make sure that we all understand that to actually "work" the steps will take much longer than 12 days, but to relate to them will be easy to do.

Just replace your drug of choice instead of alcohol-
Step 1- "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (food)-that our lives had become unmanageable.

There are two parts to this step- First understanding that we are powerless and the second that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerlessness simply means that we have no power, unable to produce an effect, helpless (at least that is what dictionary.com says)! For me, this means that I am helpless when it comes to food. I can not do it in moderation, I can not "eat socially", I am helpless when it comes to food. The ability to say no to food, for the majority of my life, had not only been something that I didn't have, but something that I didn't want. I wanted to put any and everything in my mouth that I could. I wanted to eat things that I knew were terrible for me, that I was not hungry for, just because I wanted to. This is how my addiction started. Just like any addiction starts. We start for those reasons, because we like it and because it makes us feel good. BUT we do NOT continue in our addictions just because of that- If so then we would be FOOLS!! That is the idea behind the fact that I could look in the mirror and know I had to do something about my weight, but didn't. I would have to get a bigger size and realize that I had to do something about my weight, but would go to the food court right after realizing I had to buy that bigger size and literally have an inability to stop myself from ordering something that would make me feel good at the time and forget what I was feeling bad about. Regardless of what some people think, I will never be convinced that addiction is a choice or something we have control over once we get started. Now don't be confused, I am in complete control over whether or not I get started, for example, once I start eating for something other than what is necessary or healthy that is when my inability to control myself comes into play. My addictive logic goes back into practice and all of that negative thinking (I can start over tomorrow, this wont hurt, it will make me feel better) starts up again. That is what I have to seek out help to control. But up until that time, I do have control and can manage myself if I choose to.

The second part of this is that our lives had become unmanageable. This is obvious in my life. When I avoid even letting my husband see me (when I KNOW that he loves me no matter what, because I was no skinny minnie before we got married), when I started hiding when and what I was eating, when I cant play with my son for very long because I get tired or that I am just to lazy to do, when I keep scraping by in tests for diabetes just barley missing the diabetic mark, When I am at the largest size that is made for women (at least at any stores I know of) THAT MEANS MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE. Part of me is even embarrassed to write some of those things because people can see that. But as I said before we are only as sick as the secrets that we keep and I said I wouldn't keep any.

I know once I understand this foundational part of my recovery from food addiction then I will be able to do just fine. I have also found a support group Over-eaters Anonymous in a town close to me. I think that I will attempt to attend that meeting. I will be able to think of a thousand excuses of why I cant, so bear with me, but I will try to attend one to at least see what it is like.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

poor me:(

I am very lucky to have great friends, and yes Jennifer I am talking to you. Now while I was reading with my mouth open for most of your comment it was the truth, and because I know you, I didn't take it personally. It was helpful because I can see that I get into a poor me slump quickly. I don't ever want to turn this into a Poor Anna, she is dieting and exercising and it is difficult for her so everyone feel sorry for her. Please don't if you are.

Feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do and it is even easier to get people to do it for you. I found this out when my dad died. I was lucky when he died that I didn't have any thing I had left unsaid. My dad loved me, I loved him and we both knew that without a question. That made dealing with his death easier, even though it is never really easy. This February 3, will be 13 years he has been gone and there are so many things that he has missed, but I am glad to know that there was nothing left unsaid when he died. I don't know that everyone was as lucky as I was. Anyhoo, when he died it hurt bad, and I thought for a moment that I might not ever get over it (and you know there are still days where it creeps up on me and surprises me that I still miss him as much as I do)- but I dealt with it the best I could. Okay, and with the help of food, and drugs and alcohol. (Don't worry, mama only smoked pot, so no one get crazy here.. and yes I did just make an attempt to justify smoking marijuana:).. Anyhoo, back to the point I was trying to make her. I quickly learned that I could use his death to my advantage and be able to get what I wanted. Everything I did (unhealthy things that is and lets face it there weren't too many of those during that time) was because "my dad died". That was the reason I used drugs, that was the reason I used alcohol, that is the reason I ate, that is the reason I was a jerk to my mom, that was the reason why I smoked cigarettes *even though in all reality except for the drugs and alcohol those things were around before he died. It became easy for me to use that an excuse for everything. When I finally realized that I was using his death to my benefit (how crazy is that!!!!!) it was the most awful feeling I had ever felt before and I vowed that I wouldn't do that again.

And while I don't do that with dad's death anymore, the problem is, is that I learned that behavior and I use it with other things. Work is going to close down. I have a kid and I am busy (and I cant fathom how people manage more than one child just so you know), or a number of other excuses I make to get people to feel sorry for me.

The victim mentality is one of the most difficult things to challenge. That mentality is the general "poor me syndrome" and when we think like that our lives happen "to us" not around us that we deal with. It become second nature to blame others and situations around us. Unless other people point it out to us (thanks Jennifer) we usually cant see it. Then usually the more that it is pointed out to us the less and less that we do it.

I hope that all of that makes sense. I will continue to work on that (not feeling sorry for myself I mean, not the making sense part because I fear that may never happen:)). I will not view this diet and exercise as some terrible thing that I have to endure. It is difficult yes, but this fat body is what is the terrible thing that I have to endure.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Beginning week 4

So today is the beginning of week number 4 and what a time it has been. I know that if you are keeping track of my blogs it doesnt quiet match, but I had started this a week before I began blogging.. I wish that I would have weighed myself at some point so I could see if there was any change after all of my work. I keep forgetting, but as I have said before I think that I am afriad of the number I will see. I fear that this is the biggest I have ever been, and my closes say the same thing. I am in the biggest size I have ever been in (and dont think for a minute that I will tell you what that is). My husband doesnt even know what size I am (not that he would even understand what those numbers mean and for that I am grateful). While I am not noticing the change in my close just yet (although I can see some difference) I can feel the change in my energy. The exercising has helped my knees from hurting (because you know every fat person has bad knees) and I am not near as winded when I do an activity, like taking the stairs at work (not fun, but not as winded!!). I had hoped for more results, but I guess that is why I need to make sure to weigh myself. I am grateful for the improvement that I have seen.

While I talk about being grateful, and there are so many things that I am grateful ful, I feel bad because I am finding that I am jealous of alot of things. I am jealous of other peoples relationships with their family, other peoples financial prosperity, and a number of things, I am not brave enough to go into. One thing that I am extremely jealous of is people who can eat and not be fat!!! I am jealous that I struggle with eating and being overweight and in some cases people can eat way more than me and they are still skinny as can be.. I can start to whine for a moment and complain about how it isnt fair, but I have to realistic and understand that no one got me to where I am today but myself. It is no ones fault that I can not manage my eating and that I use food to deal with emotions. So, I can either remember that and just identify that this will not be something I will deal with forever, but something that will take time--OR I can gget discouraged and end up back in the same cycle as before. I chose to be realisitic!! Even though it is not super fun all the time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

stickin with it

A 3rd week down!!! I am so proud of myself and I will go ahead and brag about myself. I am just glad that I am sticking with something. Although the quitting smoking went out the window but I have stuck with my eating and exercising. I believe, or I hope at least, that this will continually get easier.

My thinking is improving and I have to say that my "demons" are coming out slower. I still have my insecurities, and dont worry I have a ton of them, but I have decided to take one at a time and not look at them all at once, and really see how crazy I am.

Going to take the weekend off again from blogging and will check in on Monday.. Maybe I will even weigh my self on monday, so I can start gauging the numbers.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

in your head

So I totally have that song by garbage (i think), i think it is called Zombie when she sings over and over again, In your head, in your head!! I have decided that I have spent WAY to much time there over the last few weeks. I wonder if I thought about eating as much as I have thought about not eating. I don't remember my life revolving around food and that being what I thought about all day every day. I can be so distracted thinking about food.

I have also spent way to much time in my head trying to figure out every thought and every decision I make, making sure that my motives or reasons are okay. For example-just so you know the whole quitting smoking thing was NOT in the cards for me. Mama has to pick her battles and I tell you what, that was not one that I was interested in taking. I lasted two days, and that is about it. Not only was I thinking non stop about food, but I was thinking non stop about smoking and how I couldn't. I would find my self smiling when I would think about how I could smoke on the way home from work (stupid state facility and state grounds on which smoking is not allowed..grrrr), only to be disappointed when I realized that there would be no glorious taste of smoke filtering my lungs. (Again, makes me smile to think about it)!! Very sad, I am very sad. My thought is I cant do everything at once, and why am I trying to. Then I feel like I am just making excuses for bad behavior. Then I think, "don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing so good and eating right and exercising you don't want to see those fail do you." Then I think what is the point of eating right and exercising to die from lung cancer. Then I think........ See I told you I have been in my head way to much!!!

So all of that being said, I am saying "Adios" to my head, I will be back when I can take someone (healthy) with me!!! hee hee.. I will not over analyze my every thought. I will not play psychiatrist because I am definitely not one. I will be gracious and know that everything that I am doing right now is new to me. I will give my self compliments for a job well done, and not try to find everything that I did wrong. (If I were there would be alot of REALLY sick people out there:) At least I will do that for the rest of the day!! Good thing there is only a few hours of it left for me:).

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

getting easier

I dont have much on the way of insight today (although, I dont think that I ever having anything too insightful to say). Today was a good day today and I had a new test.

What to do when everyone around you is eating badly. Kind of like last week when I was surrounded at lunch by KFC, today I was surrounded by Pizza Ranch, yummy pizza, chicken and their super yummy potato chips.. (makes me happy to just think about,, that is sad, very sad). This time was not near as difficult as it was last time and I think that it was because of what I went through last weekend and how bad I felt. There were times when I was offered a piece of pizza and I had to say no (although each time i still thought about it, but less and less and time!). I think that I might have to avoid eating lunch with them when they order out.. Its still just a little to hard for me. I would tell my clients to not be around people drinking or using drugs so I suppose that would be the same for me.

Like I said nothing insightful-just an overall good day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

its me that is the problem.

I was very nervous that it was going to take alot to get me back on track. I am very glad to say that I am right on track. I also realized after going into detail about my mess up that it was not near as bad as I thought it was. My husband has now attempted to throw a wrench into my plans. He decided that he was going to quit smoking!!! WHAT!!! I, in turn, decided to quit to. Not because I want to quit smoking but because I want to be supportive of my husband and not have it around him. I however am nervous about doing everything at once, and have already decided that if it becomes unbearable (its getting close already) I have to focus on the eating and exercise and take one thing at a time.

My clients never cease to amaze me and usually it was not for the best, however today they made me think twice. The first was when I told them that my hubby quit smoking, and how proud I was of him (if anyone knows bryan knows that previous attempts last a couple of hours so a whole day is nothing short of miraculous), and that I had also said that I had called him every couple of hours to just encourage him. My clients asked me if I had been calling in hopes that he had "relapsed" because if he had then I could. I was shocked and told them certainly not, but the more that I thought about it, I did question my motives- deep down I did really want to be encouraging to him, but perhaps was a bit hopeful that he would fail so that I could to. The second was when one was leaving and he was saying good-byes and he stated that he learned, while in treatment that it was him that was the problem not his drug. I was stunned at the insight he had learned during his stay.

That leads me to my further thoughts. It is me that is the problem, not food. It is not that food has some personal vendetta against me and wants to see me fail. It is my own self that sabotages any kind of success. It is not food that is a friend (it is so weird how to can identify your addictions as a friendship). Identifying that I viewed it as a relationship will help me deal with it further. I can begin to grieve the loss of that relationship, just as I would any other loss. It is a lifestyle change. The word sober means that EVERYTHING is different, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you talk--all of it and if it not all different then you are just clean. And you can only stay clean for a little while. My addiction is no different. Everything must be different about me, not just my eating habits. If not then I am still a mess, only a skinny one, and probably a nasty rag because I am so hungry!!!. That's it,, that is why skinny ladies are a bit bitchier that us fat folks.. They are just hungry!!! :)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

give em an inch and they'll take a mile

So this weekend was not a good one for me. I wish that I had read all the handy comments that people gave me about "treating" myself to Chinese food on Friday night. I however did not and I ate Chinese food!! Once I did that it was almost like I awoke the sleeping tiger and overall did not so great this weekend. Now, it was still better than a normal weekend (making excuses comes very natural to me!!), but not as good as I was doing. What I did learn is a very valuable lesson, that once I cheat, it is a downward spiral from there. I also learned that when I was eating I was depressed because all I could think of what how good I had been doing, and then having to come here on Monday and tell everyone, a whole 3 weeks into this I have already messed up!!

As I said, I learned a valuable lesson though. If I go back to treating food as some sort of reward that is the same twisted thinking that I had before. Remember Anna, food is for survival. Other things must be treats. I am grateful for wonderful friends, all who gave me great advice (that i read to late). Thanks Jennifer for the idea of other treats and I will have to do that. I need incentive to continue in this journey not just the whole "you'll feel so much better". Whoever thought of that saying was NEVER fat and understood that this is the most miserable process that any fatty can go through!!! That is why we stay fat because we were happy then, and miserable now!! What a process this is, and how silly I am to expect quick results and in only 3 weeks expect my whole lifetime worth of thinking to change in that time.

In treatment we reference this as a "treatment high". People get excited about making change, but they aren't realistic about how difficult it will be. That is me.

Now I have a couple of options I can either fall back and give up (which is what I normally do) OR I can be honest with my self and others and then get "back on the wagon" hmm, I think I will choose the second.

I'm back on the wagon, hoping to not fall off.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

Today at lunch I ate my normal lean michilini (sorry I know I spelled that wrong) and someone I work with had gotten KFC (yummo!!). They said-I am celebrating I lost 6 pounds. My first thought was "Oh yeah, I want KFC for supper tonight-I have done so good for the last 2 weeks!"

Now onto my dilemma for today. I understand it is important to reward yourself for doing good at something because reward increases motivation to continue doing the right thing, BUT is it okay to reward yourself by allowing yourself to have something that is bad for you???

What I really want to do is go out for Chinese food tonight, and in all reality I don't like any of the breaded deep fat friend stuff, but the stuff with the veggies (chicken and broccoli, garlic chicken and mushrooms, etc) so I could convince myself that it isn't so bad (until I eat a crab rangoon-even writing it brings a smile to my face). So is that okay for me to do??? Is it okay to "reward" myself with food?? This one I need your help on??

Now if I continue with the drug addiction analogy that I have been using then it wouldn't make sense if a client said "Hey I have been good and not doing drugs, so I'm going to reward myself by snorting a line of coke!" I would nail them for such terrible thinking, but here I want to do the same thing. Or am I???

Since food is something I require maybe it is something that yes I can treat myself to something that isn't that good for me, as long as I don't go over board and eat myself sick like I would normally do?? Is that okay?? Or is it okay since my motive isn't to avoid something??? Am I making this too difficult??? Am I taking this all to literally??? HELP ME!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Taking the weekend off from blogging-will check in on Monday!!

no reason at all

If you ask a drug user their reasons for use they will usually say that they use "just because". They will use because it is raining or they will use because the sun is out and it is a beautiful outside to celebrate. I am the same way.

Today I did something completely out of character for me (this may surprise some of you), but I set a boundary and I made it clear that I will not tolerate being treated badly and I will stand up for myself if it happens again. I have been told my whole life that I am assertive and in all reality I don't know that I have been all that assertive, but I am just loud. And being loud says only that you are loud-not that you are assertive. I attempt to avoid conflict at all cost and today I decided that I would not stand for that again. If I am confident and capable I need to make sure that is clear to those around me and make sure that boundary is obvious to those around me. I was so proud of myself. So proud I wanted to celebrate by eating.....!!!!!

What is going on here. I have just learned that I eat to avoid negative feelings, and now I eat to celebrate good feelings!!!! I am a mess:)!!! When you teach yourself a certain behavior or coping skill (and lets all understand that all of our behavior is learned) we learn that if something will help us feel better when we are upset, that same thing will enhance the happiness that we feel. The problem is we are always searching to feel better than we do. Nothing is sufficient. Why is how we feel at the moment not sufficient, but it always has to be better.

Then comes the cycle, I feel great and then I eat to celebrate. After I do that then I feel guilty because I overate. Then I feel like a failure. Then I eat to forget about feeling like a failure. How I fix this is being aware of my behavior and usually we only become aware after we mess up. Luckily for me I didn't mess up too much before I became aware. I came home feeling wonderfully proud of myself and the entire was home from work I was preparing what I was going to have for supper (problem is I wasn't hungry), and when I got home my husband had left a bag of Muchos chips (you know those super yummy ones in the redish orangish bag, mmmm) and the first thing I did was start eating them and I think that I can even see myself smiling as I was and it hit me!! OMG, I am eating because I am happy!! So after a handful of chips I stopped turned on the TV and began my workout (Fit TV is so handy cause there is something all of the time!!).

Today I will continue to strive to be aware of my behavior. I will strive to stop negative behavior. And hopefully I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

And I think that I am going to end every further blogs with this because I like how I feel when I say it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

Practicing what I preach

About the time that we start learning about ourselves is about the time that we have something happen that forces us to apply this new found knowledge and be honest with ourselves instead of continuing to pretend that we aren't aware. I found this to be exactly the case at work today.

I will first begin with I don't understand the concept of being mean just for the sake of being mean. I don't get it, and even though I am extremely insecure, I don't understand trying to tear others down in order to feel better about myself. (This is not to say that I have not been mean in my lifetime and as stated in previous blogs I believe that I was horribly mean in high school, so I guess I don't understand grown adults being mean-aren't we supposed to grow out of what we did in high school).

At work today I was confronted with a situation in which I overheard people saying very hateful things about me, and not just me as a person, but me as a professional. To say I was shocked would be an under statement (because certainly who could say something bad about me:)). What I was shocked about was not even the people who were talking but how they can carry themselves in such a manner as though they are better than others, and say just hateful things. And to say them loud enough that others can hear!!!

I truly believe that had I over heard this prior to this blog and the week prior when I had made a decision to change my life my response would have been very different. Of course I was upset and I will even say that it brought me to tears (which makes me even angrier that I allowed people to upset me so badly). However it is what I am learning after the fact and that is, my confidence can NOT come from anyone but myself. No one can create it for me and no one can take it from me--unless I let them.

In a situation like this my normal response would have been to come home and eat myself into a delightful coma!! I would allow food to take away these negative feelings because, well that is what food did for me. It provided me with pleasure. It would allow me to forget about what I was upsetting me and I would be only focused on one more thing-how to get more food (and hide eating it in front of my husband, even though he is sweet and wouldn't have said anything to me if I did). It was surprising to me that I didn't respond in that way. I have reminded myself that I am good at my job, I was in the top of my class for this degree, I was hired in my first job before I had even finished schooling, and was hired back as a professional in a job in which I did an internship in, and I carry the same credentials behind my name that they do, and NOTHING that they say about me changes any of those things. I have the letters from clients telling me thank-you for helping them. --And please understand I am not trying to be arrogant, but finally start giving myself credit myself, and not expect it from others--. Understanding these things has comforted me and these negative feelings and would you believe it, I did it all with out the help of food. I also purposely made sure that every piece of food I put in my mouth tonight was because I was legitimately hungry, and not because it could serve as a distraction.

I will not allow negative people to tear me down any more. I will not seek approval from other people, but I WILL find approval, love, and confidence within myself. Doing so will make me a better person and inevitably the relationships around me will all improve as well.

I thank you all for the positive words that I have gotten from people, and I thank my friends reminding me what real friends do. We stick up for each other, we encourage each other and we hold each other accountable. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I have I thank God for every day.

And I didn't weigh myself again:( but give me a break, it was kind of a rough day at work!!! Uh oh that sounded a bit like an excuse.. okay I just didn't weigh myself today.

And if today isn't a perfect day for the serenity prayer I don't know what would be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.