And what I mean by a little less, I mean a little less of ME!!! just weighed myself and another 4 pounds down!!! But I am not going to keep weighing myself so often, and will wait until the monthly marker when I do my measurements.
Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.
I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
naughty
Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
worth it all
I think that today has been the greatest day I have had for some time. I did my measurments and each area (hips, waist, chest, thigh, upper arm) was at least 1 inch SMALLER!!! Did you get that:) Each area at LEAST 1 inch smaller. A couple of them were over an inch!! And if that isnt enough, there were numbers on my scale this morning!! a month ago I was too big for it. But today there were numbers- now they may go away tomorrow, until I get well under the amount that it is designed for. The number today was 339.2!!
What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.
I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.
There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.
I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.
There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ohh the anticipation!!!
I actually am looking forward to tomorrow.. Tomorrow I check my measurements to see if I have made any head way in the last month. It is weird to be looking forward to measuring yourself, which is kind of like weighing yourself. The even greater thing about measuring is, is that I have no idea what the numbers mean, so it isn't like weighing myself when I know what that number means (certain panic attack to come soon after).
Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.
I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.
I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.
I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.
I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Friday, March 12, 2010
Winning Battles
I will first start by saying don't freak out that I haven't written in a while (because I know that every ones life revolves around what I eat!!) because I have NOT fallen off the wagon, or given up the trek. It is actually becoming much easier for me and it would seem that a blog is kind of like a personal journal for me, I only write when things are going badly. But that is not the purpose of this blog, it is for me to continue to have accountability in my life, get my thoughts out (because you know they are a hot mess if I leave them in my head) and maybe even provide encouragement to other people.
I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.
As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.
This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.
As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.
This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Step 10
Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
So what- this isn't a one time fix it all. I will constantly have flaws!! I wonder if it is at all like the mail and that glorious 1 week in between when all your bills are paid and you don't get anything but junk mail in the mail!!! I love that week. Hopefully I will get a little while in between:)
About the time that we think that we are comfortable is about the same time that we are usually inches away from right back to where we started.
I have been working on my victim mentality, yelling, and unrealistic expectations. Those are very difficult for one to get rid of. My job is currently still up in the air and I am struggling some with self pity about that, but doing well by not eating to cope. I am trying with the unrealistic expectations of other people. This meaning, that I am not living in la-la land thinking that there aren't mean people, and my husband should just know what I am thinking, and that my kid can certainly figure out how to NOT POOP his pants (don't even get me started) because apparently those things are not realistic.
Now identifying flaws, while very difficult for me at time, the most difficult is the whole "promptly" thing. It takes me a minute (and usually the help of someone else-thanks Cindy) for me to realize my flaws. Better late than never right?? Recovery is a journey not a destination and I intend to make it a lovely trip! Starting by not being so critical- and being realistic. Accepting that this is new for me and as long as I am having more good days than bad then I am good. I am not going to lose hundreds of pounds in a few months like I would have if i would have made it on the biggest loser (Damn them for not picking me), but I will become what I am supposed to be.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
So what- this isn't a one time fix it all. I will constantly have flaws!! I wonder if it is at all like the mail and that glorious 1 week in between when all your bills are paid and you don't get anything but junk mail in the mail!!! I love that week. Hopefully I will get a little while in between:)
About the time that we think that we are comfortable is about the same time that we are usually inches away from right back to where we started.
I have been working on my victim mentality, yelling, and unrealistic expectations. Those are very difficult for one to get rid of. My job is currently still up in the air and I am struggling some with self pity about that, but doing well by not eating to cope. I am trying with the unrealistic expectations of other people. This meaning, that I am not living in la-la land thinking that there aren't mean people, and my husband should just know what I am thinking, and that my kid can certainly figure out how to NOT POOP his pants (don't even get me started) because apparently those things are not realistic.
Now identifying flaws, while very difficult for me at time, the most difficult is the whole "promptly" thing. It takes me a minute (and usually the help of someone else-thanks Cindy) for me to realize my flaws. Better late than never right?? Recovery is a journey not a destination and I intend to make it a lovely trip! Starting by not being so critical- and being realistic. Accepting that this is new for me and as long as I am having more good days than bad then I am good. I am not going to lose hundreds of pounds in a few months like I would have if i would have made it on the biggest loser (Damn them for not picking me), but I will become what I am supposed to be.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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