I know that I take the weekend off, but I didnt get to write on Friday, due to being without a computer.. I will start tomorrow with Step 2. So I am not going to write much today, but I got my first compliment this weekend. What I mean by compliment is the ever wonderful to hear "have you lost weight??" "It sure looks like it!" YIPPEE!!!!! I was very glad to hear that, and although I am not doing this in order to get compliments, it is nice to hear when people can tell. I have also learned that I must finally weigh myself, so that I can see how this is going. If I am not losing anything I will be able to take a look at what I am doing and see if I am doing something wrong. So I will weigh myself tomorrow at work.. Now just so you all know, I am NOT brave enough to broadcast that number so I will not do that, but I will try to do a weekly/bi-weekly weight check in to see if I have lost anything. I am trying to focus on not the number, but the change in how I feel.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Step 1 (we can have lots of fun)
Did anyone catch the New Kids on the Block reference in the title :) You're welcome for that. I know I didn't post and don't worry, I didn't fall of the wagon or anything!! I was busy and couldn't get to it.
Since I have been referencing addiction throughout my posts what better thing to talk about than one of the best ways to deal with addiction, the 12 Steps of AA/NA. It is my personal believe that the steps are good practice for any random Joe, not just addicts. If people understood the steps and put them into practice I think that we would all be better people. So for the next 12 steps I will talk about how they apply to me. Make sure that we all understand that to actually "work" the steps will take much longer than 12 days, but to relate to them will be easy to do.
Just replace your drug of choice instead of alcohol-
Step 1- "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (food)-that our lives had become unmanageable.
There are two parts to this step- First understanding that we are powerless and the second that our lives had become unmanageable.
Powerlessness simply means that we have no power, unable to produce an effect, helpless (at least that is what dictionary.com says)! For me, this means that I am helpless when it comes to food. I can not do it in moderation, I can not "eat socially", I am helpless when it comes to food. The ability to say no to food, for the majority of my life, had not only been something that I didn't have, but something that I didn't want. I wanted to put any and everything in my mouth that I could. I wanted to eat things that I knew were terrible for me, that I was not hungry for, just because I wanted to. This is how my addiction started. Just like any addiction starts. We start for those reasons, because we like it and because it makes us feel good. BUT we do NOT continue in our addictions just because of that- If so then we would be FOOLS!! That is the idea behind the fact that I could look in the mirror and know I had to do something about my weight, but didn't. I would have to get a bigger size and realize that I had to do something about my weight, but would go to the food court right after realizing I had to buy that bigger size and literally have an inability to stop myself from ordering something that would make me feel good at the time and forget what I was feeling bad about. Regardless of what some people think, I will never be convinced that addiction is a choice or something we have control over once we get started. Now don't be confused, I am in complete control over whether or not I get started, for example, once I start eating for something other than what is necessary or healthy that is when my inability to control myself comes into play. My addictive logic goes back into practice and all of that negative thinking (I can start over tomorrow, this wont hurt, it will make me feel better) starts up again. That is what I have to seek out help to control. But up until that time, I do have control and can manage myself if I choose to.
The second part of this is that our lives had become unmanageable. This is obvious in my life. When I avoid even letting my husband see me (when I KNOW that he loves me no matter what, because I was no skinny minnie before we got married), when I started hiding when and what I was eating, when I cant play with my son for very long because I get tired or that I am just to lazy to do, when I keep scraping by in tests for diabetes just barley missing the diabetic mark, When I am at the largest size that is made for women (at least at any stores I know of) THAT MEANS MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE. Part of me is even embarrassed to write some of those things because people can see that. But as I said before we are only as sick as the secrets that we keep and I said I wouldn't keep any.
I know once I understand this foundational part of my recovery from food addiction then I will be able to do just fine. I have also found a support group Over-eaters Anonymous in a town close to me. I think that I will attempt to attend that meeting. I will be able to think of a thousand excuses of why I cant, so bear with me, but I will try to attend one to at least see what it is like.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Since I have been referencing addiction throughout my posts what better thing to talk about than one of the best ways to deal with addiction, the 12 Steps of AA/NA. It is my personal believe that the steps are good practice for any random Joe, not just addicts. If people understood the steps and put them into practice I think that we would all be better people. So for the next 12 steps I will talk about how they apply to me. Make sure that we all understand that to actually "work" the steps will take much longer than 12 days, but to relate to them will be easy to do.
Just replace your drug of choice instead of alcohol-
Step 1- "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (food)-that our lives had become unmanageable.
There are two parts to this step- First understanding that we are powerless and the second that our lives had become unmanageable.
Powerlessness simply means that we have no power, unable to produce an effect, helpless (at least that is what dictionary.com says)! For me, this means that I am helpless when it comes to food. I can not do it in moderation, I can not "eat socially", I am helpless when it comes to food. The ability to say no to food, for the majority of my life, had not only been something that I didn't have, but something that I didn't want. I wanted to put any and everything in my mouth that I could. I wanted to eat things that I knew were terrible for me, that I was not hungry for, just because I wanted to. This is how my addiction started. Just like any addiction starts. We start for those reasons, because we like it and because it makes us feel good. BUT we do NOT continue in our addictions just because of that- If so then we would be FOOLS!! That is the idea behind the fact that I could look in the mirror and know I had to do something about my weight, but didn't. I would have to get a bigger size and realize that I had to do something about my weight, but would go to the food court right after realizing I had to buy that bigger size and literally have an inability to stop myself from ordering something that would make me feel good at the time and forget what I was feeling bad about. Regardless of what some people think, I will never be convinced that addiction is a choice or something we have control over once we get started. Now don't be confused, I am in complete control over whether or not I get started, for example, once I start eating for something other than what is necessary or healthy that is when my inability to control myself comes into play. My addictive logic goes back into practice and all of that negative thinking (I can start over tomorrow, this wont hurt, it will make me feel better) starts up again. That is what I have to seek out help to control. But up until that time, I do have control and can manage myself if I choose to.
The second part of this is that our lives had become unmanageable. This is obvious in my life. When I avoid even letting my husband see me (when I KNOW that he loves me no matter what, because I was no skinny minnie before we got married), when I started hiding when and what I was eating, when I cant play with my son for very long because I get tired or that I am just to lazy to do, when I keep scraping by in tests for diabetes just barley missing the diabetic mark, When I am at the largest size that is made for women (at least at any stores I know of) THAT MEANS MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE. Part of me is even embarrassed to write some of those things because people can see that. But as I said before we are only as sick as the secrets that we keep and I said I wouldn't keep any.
I know once I understand this foundational part of my recovery from food addiction then I will be able to do just fine. I have also found a support group Over-eaters Anonymous in a town close to me. I think that I will attempt to attend that meeting. I will be able to think of a thousand excuses of why I cant, so bear with me, but I will try to attend one to at least see what it is like.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
poor me:(
I am very lucky to have great friends, and yes Jennifer I am talking to you. Now while I was reading with my mouth open for most of your comment it was the truth, and because I know you, I didn't take it personally. It was helpful because I can see that I get into a poor me slump quickly. I don't ever want to turn this into a Poor Anna, she is dieting and exercising and it is difficult for her so everyone feel sorry for her. Please don't if you are.
Feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do and it is even easier to get people to do it for you. I found this out when my dad died. I was lucky when he died that I didn't have any thing I had left unsaid. My dad loved me, I loved him and we both knew that without a question. That made dealing with his death easier, even though it is never really easy. This February 3, will be 13 years he has been gone and there are so many things that he has missed, but I am glad to know that there was nothing left unsaid when he died. I don't know that everyone was as lucky as I was. Anyhoo, when he died it hurt bad, and I thought for a moment that I might not ever get over it (and you know there are still days where it creeps up on me and surprises me that I still miss him as much as I do)- but I dealt with it the best I could. Okay, and with the help of food, and drugs and alcohol. (Don't worry, mama only smoked pot, so no one get crazy here.. and yes I did just make an attempt to justify smoking marijuana:).. Anyhoo, back to the point I was trying to make her. I quickly learned that I could use his death to my advantage and be able to get what I wanted. Everything I did (unhealthy things that is and lets face it there weren't too many of those during that time) was because "my dad died". That was the reason I used drugs, that was the reason I used alcohol, that is the reason I ate, that is the reason I was a jerk to my mom, that was the reason why I smoked cigarettes *even though in all reality except for the drugs and alcohol those things were around before he died. It became easy for me to use that an excuse for everything. When I finally realized that I was using his death to my benefit (how crazy is that!!!!!) it was the most awful feeling I had ever felt before and I vowed that I wouldn't do that again.
And while I don't do that with dad's death anymore, the problem is, is that I learned that behavior and I use it with other things. Work is going to close down. I have a kid and I am busy (and I cant fathom how people manage more than one child just so you know), or a number of other excuses I make to get people to feel sorry for me.
The victim mentality is one of the most difficult things to challenge. That mentality is the general "poor me syndrome" and when we think like that our lives happen "to us" not around us that we deal with. It become second nature to blame others and situations around us. Unless other people point it out to us (thanks Jennifer) we usually cant see it. Then usually the more that it is pointed out to us the less and less that we do it.
I hope that all of that makes sense. I will continue to work on that (not feeling sorry for myself I mean, not the making sense part because I fear that may never happen:)). I will not view this diet and exercise as some terrible thing that I have to endure. It is difficult yes, but this fat body is what is the terrible thing that I have to endure.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do and it is even easier to get people to do it for you. I found this out when my dad died. I was lucky when he died that I didn't have any thing I had left unsaid. My dad loved me, I loved him and we both knew that without a question. That made dealing with his death easier, even though it is never really easy. This February 3, will be 13 years he has been gone and there are so many things that he has missed, but I am glad to know that there was nothing left unsaid when he died. I don't know that everyone was as lucky as I was. Anyhoo, when he died it hurt bad, and I thought for a moment that I might not ever get over it (and you know there are still days where it creeps up on me and surprises me that I still miss him as much as I do)- but I dealt with it the best I could. Okay, and with the help of food, and drugs and alcohol. (Don't worry, mama only smoked pot, so no one get crazy here.. and yes I did just make an attempt to justify smoking marijuana:).. Anyhoo, back to the point I was trying to make her. I quickly learned that I could use his death to my advantage and be able to get what I wanted. Everything I did (unhealthy things that is and lets face it there weren't too many of those during that time) was because "my dad died". That was the reason I used drugs, that was the reason I used alcohol, that is the reason I ate, that is the reason I was a jerk to my mom, that was the reason why I smoked cigarettes *even though in all reality except for the drugs and alcohol those things were around before he died. It became easy for me to use that an excuse for everything. When I finally realized that I was using his death to my benefit (how crazy is that!!!!!) it was the most awful feeling I had ever felt before and I vowed that I wouldn't do that again.
And while I don't do that with dad's death anymore, the problem is, is that I learned that behavior and I use it with other things. Work is going to close down. I have a kid and I am busy (and I cant fathom how people manage more than one child just so you know), or a number of other excuses I make to get people to feel sorry for me.
The victim mentality is one of the most difficult things to challenge. That mentality is the general "poor me syndrome" and when we think like that our lives happen "to us" not around us that we deal with. It become second nature to blame others and situations around us. Unless other people point it out to us (thanks Jennifer) we usually cant see it. Then usually the more that it is pointed out to us the less and less that we do it.
I hope that all of that makes sense. I will continue to work on that (not feeling sorry for myself I mean, not the making sense part because I fear that may never happen:)). I will not view this diet and exercise as some terrible thing that I have to endure. It is difficult yes, but this fat body is what is the terrible thing that I have to endure.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Beginning week 4
So today is the beginning of week number 4 and what a time it has been. I know that if you are keeping track of my blogs it doesnt quiet match, but I had started this a week before I began blogging.. I wish that I would have weighed myself at some point so I could see if there was any change after all of my work. I keep forgetting, but as I have said before I think that I am afriad of the number I will see. I fear that this is the biggest I have ever been, and my closes say the same thing. I am in the biggest size I have ever been in (and dont think for a minute that I will tell you what that is). My husband doesnt even know what size I am (not that he would even understand what those numbers mean and for that I am grateful). While I am not noticing the change in my close just yet (although I can see some difference) I can feel the change in my energy. The exercising has helped my knees from hurting (because you know every fat person has bad knees) and I am not near as winded when I do an activity, like taking the stairs at work (not fun, but not as winded!!). I had hoped for more results, but I guess that is why I need to make sure to weigh myself. I am grateful for the improvement that I have seen.
While I talk about being grateful, and there are so many things that I am grateful ful, I feel bad because I am finding that I am jealous of alot of things. I am jealous of other peoples relationships with their family, other peoples financial prosperity, and a number of things, I am not brave enough to go into. One thing that I am extremely jealous of is people who can eat and not be fat!!! I am jealous that I struggle with eating and being overweight and in some cases people can eat way more than me and they are still skinny as can be.. I can start to whine for a moment and complain about how it isnt fair, but I have to realistic and understand that no one got me to where I am today but myself. It is no ones fault that I can not manage my eating and that I use food to deal with emotions. So, I can either remember that and just identify that this will not be something I will deal with forever, but something that will take time--OR I can gget discouraged and end up back in the same cycle as before. I chose to be realisitic!! Even though it is not super fun all the time.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
While I talk about being grateful, and there are so many things that I am grateful ful, I feel bad because I am finding that I am jealous of alot of things. I am jealous of other peoples relationships with their family, other peoples financial prosperity, and a number of things, I am not brave enough to go into. One thing that I am extremely jealous of is people who can eat and not be fat!!! I am jealous that I struggle with eating and being overweight and in some cases people can eat way more than me and they are still skinny as can be.. I can start to whine for a moment and complain about how it isnt fair, but I have to realistic and understand that no one got me to where I am today but myself. It is no ones fault that I can not manage my eating and that I use food to deal with emotions. So, I can either remember that and just identify that this will not be something I will deal with forever, but something that will take time--OR I can gget discouraged and end up back in the same cycle as before. I chose to be realisitic!! Even though it is not super fun all the time.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, January 22, 2010
stickin with it
A 3rd week down!!! I am so proud of myself and I will go ahead and brag about myself. I am just glad that I am sticking with something. Although the quitting smoking went out the window but I have stuck with my eating and exercising. I believe, or I hope at least, that this will continually get easier.
My thinking is improving and I have to say that my "demons" are coming out slower. I still have my insecurities, and dont worry I have a ton of them, but I have decided to take one at a time and not look at them all at once, and really see how crazy I am.
Going to take the weekend off again from blogging and will check in on Monday.. Maybe I will even weigh my self on monday, so I can start gauging the numbers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
My thinking is improving and I have to say that my "demons" are coming out slower. I still have my insecurities, and dont worry I have a ton of them, but I have decided to take one at a time and not look at them all at once, and really see how crazy I am.
Going to take the weekend off again from blogging and will check in on Monday.. Maybe I will even weigh my self on monday, so I can start gauging the numbers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
in your head
So I totally have that song by garbage (i think), i think it is called Zombie when she sings over and over again, In your head, in your head!! I have decided that I have spent WAY to much time there over the last few weeks. I wonder if I thought about eating as much as I have thought about not eating. I don't remember my life revolving around food and that being what I thought about all day every day. I can be so distracted thinking about food.
I have also spent way to much time in my head trying to figure out every thought and every decision I make, making sure that my motives or reasons are okay. For example-just so you know the whole quitting smoking thing was NOT in the cards for me. Mama has to pick her battles and I tell you what, that was not one that I was interested in taking. I lasted two days, and that is about it. Not only was I thinking non stop about food, but I was thinking non stop about smoking and how I couldn't. I would find my self smiling when I would think about how I could smoke on the way home from work (stupid state facility and state grounds on which smoking is not allowed..grrrr), only to be disappointed when I realized that there would be no glorious taste of smoke filtering my lungs. (Again, makes me smile to think about it)!! Very sad, I am very sad. My thought is I cant do everything at once, and why am I trying to. Then I feel like I am just making excuses for bad behavior. Then I think, "don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing so good and eating right and exercising you don't want to see those fail do you." Then I think what is the point of eating right and exercising to die from lung cancer. Then I think........ See I told you I have been in my head way to much!!!
So all of that being said, I am saying "Adios" to my head, I will be back when I can take someone (healthy) with me!!! hee hee.. I will not over analyze my every thought. I will not play psychiatrist because I am definitely not one. I will be gracious and know that everything that I am doing right now is new to me. I will give my self compliments for a job well done, and not try to find everything that I did wrong. (If I were there would be alot of REALLY sick people out there:) At least I will do that for the rest of the day!! Good thing there is only a few hours of it left for me:).
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have also spent way to much time in my head trying to figure out every thought and every decision I make, making sure that my motives or reasons are okay. For example-just so you know the whole quitting smoking thing was NOT in the cards for me. Mama has to pick her battles and I tell you what, that was not one that I was interested in taking. I lasted two days, and that is about it. Not only was I thinking non stop about food, but I was thinking non stop about smoking and how I couldn't. I would find my self smiling when I would think about how I could smoke on the way home from work (stupid state facility and state grounds on which smoking is not allowed..grrrr), only to be disappointed when I realized that there would be no glorious taste of smoke filtering my lungs. (Again, makes me smile to think about it)!! Very sad, I am very sad. My thought is I cant do everything at once, and why am I trying to. Then I feel like I am just making excuses for bad behavior. Then I think, "don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing so good and eating right and exercising you don't want to see those fail do you." Then I think what is the point of eating right and exercising to die from lung cancer. Then I think........ See I told you I have been in my head way to much!!!
So all of that being said, I am saying "Adios" to my head, I will be back when I can take someone (healthy) with me!!! hee hee.. I will not over analyze my every thought. I will not play psychiatrist because I am definitely not one. I will be gracious and know that everything that I am doing right now is new to me. I will give my self compliments for a job well done, and not try to find everything that I did wrong. (If I were there would be alot of REALLY sick people out there:) At least I will do that for the rest of the day!! Good thing there is only a few hours of it left for me:).
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
getting easier
I dont have much on the way of insight today (although, I dont think that I ever having anything too insightful to say). Today was a good day today and I had a new test.
What to do when everyone around you is eating badly. Kind of like last week when I was surrounded at lunch by KFC, today I was surrounded by Pizza Ranch, yummy pizza, chicken and their super yummy potato chips.. (makes me happy to just think about,, that is sad, very sad). This time was not near as difficult as it was last time and I think that it was because of what I went through last weekend and how bad I felt. There were times when I was offered a piece of pizza and I had to say no (although each time i still thought about it, but less and less and time!). I think that I might have to avoid eating lunch with them when they order out.. Its still just a little to hard for me. I would tell my clients to not be around people drinking or using drugs so I suppose that would be the same for me.
Like I said nothing insightful-just an overall good day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What to do when everyone around you is eating badly. Kind of like last week when I was surrounded at lunch by KFC, today I was surrounded by Pizza Ranch, yummy pizza, chicken and their super yummy potato chips.. (makes me happy to just think about,, that is sad, very sad). This time was not near as difficult as it was last time and I think that it was because of what I went through last weekend and how bad I felt. There were times when I was offered a piece of pizza and I had to say no (although each time i still thought about it, but less and less and time!). I think that I might have to avoid eating lunch with them when they order out.. Its still just a little to hard for me. I would tell my clients to not be around people drinking or using drugs so I suppose that would be the same for me.
Like I said nothing insightful-just an overall good day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
its me that is the problem.
I was very nervous that it was going to take alot to get me back on track. I am very glad to say that I am right on track. I also realized after going into detail about my mess up that it was not near as bad as I thought it was. My husband has now attempted to throw a wrench into my plans. He decided that he was going to quit smoking!!! WHAT!!! I, in turn, decided to quit to. Not because I want to quit smoking but because I want to be supportive of my husband and not have it around him. I however am nervous about doing everything at once, and have already decided that if it becomes unbearable (its getting close already) I have to focus on the eating and exercise and take one thing at a time.
My clients never cease to amaze me and usually it was not for the best, however today they made me think twice. The first was when I told them that my hubby quit smoking, and how proud I was of him (if anyone knows bryan knows that previous attempts last a couple of hours so a whole day is nothing short of miraculous), and that I had also said that I had called him every couple of hours to just encourage him. My clients asked me if I had been calling in hopes that he had "relapsed" because if he had then I could. I was shocked and told them certainly not, but the more that I thought about it, I did question my motives- deep down I did really want to be encouraging to him, but perhaps was a bit hopeful that he would fail so that I could to. The second was when one was leaving and he was saying good-byes and he stated that he learned, while in treatment that it was him that was the problem not his drug. I was stunned at the insight he had learned during his stay.
That leads me to my further thoughts. It is me that is the problem, not food. It is not that food has some personal vendetta against me and wants to see me fail. It is my own self that sabotages any kind of success. It is not food that is a friend (it is so weird how to can identify your addictions as a friendship). Identifying that I viewed it as a relationship will help me deal with it further. I can begin to grieve the loss of that relationship, just as I would any other loss. It is a lifestyle change. The word sober means that EVERYTHING is different, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you talk--all of it and if it not all different then you are just clean. And you can only stay clean for a little while. My addiction is no different. Everything must be different about me, not just my eating habits. If not then I am still a mess, only a skinny one, and probably a nasty rag because I am so hungry!!!. That's it,, that is why skinny ladies are a bit bitchier that us fat folks.. They are just hungry!!! :)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
My clients never cease to amaze me and usually it was not for the best, however today they made me think twice. The first was when I told them that my hubby quit smoking, and how proud I was of him (if anyone knows bryan knows that previous attempts last a couple of hours so a whole day is nothing short of miraculous), and that I had also said that I had called him every couple of hours to just encourage him. My clients asked me if I had been calling in hopes that he had "relapsed" because if he had then I could. I was shocked and told them certainly not, but the more that I thought about it, I did question my motives- deep down I did really want to be encouraging to him, but perhaps was a bit hopeful that he would fail so that I could to. The second was when one was leaving and he was saying good-byes and he stated that he learned, while in treatment that it was him that was the problem not his drug. I was stunned at the insight he had learned during his stay.
That leads me to my further thoughts. It is me that is the problem, not food. It is not that food has some personal vendetta against me and wants to see me fail. It is my own self that sabotages any kind of success. It is not food that is a friend (it is so weird how to can identify your addictions as a friendship). Identifying that I viewed it as a relationship will help me deal with it further. I can begin to grieve the loss of that relationship, just as I would any other loss. It is a lifestyle change. The word sober means that EVERYTHING is different, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you talk--all of it and if it not all different then you are just clean. And you can only stay clean for a little while. My addiction is no different. Everything must be different about me, not just my eating habits. If not then I am still a mess, only a skinny one, and probably a nasty rag because I am so hungry!!!. That's it,, that is why skinny ladies are a bit bitchier that us fat folks.. They are just hungry!!! :)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, January 18, 2010
give em an inch and they'll take a mile
So this weekend was not a good one for me. I wish that I had read all the handy comments that people gave me about "treating" myself to Chinese food on Friday night. I however did not and I ate Chinese food!! Once I did that it was almost like I awoke the sleeping tiger and overall did not so great this weekend. Now, it was still better than a normal weekend (making excuses comes very natural to me!!), but not as good as I was doing. What I did learn is a very valuable lesson, that once I cheat, it is a downward spiral from there. I also learned that when I was eating I was depressed because all I could think of what how good I had been doing, and then having to come here on Monday and tell everyone, a whole 3 weeks into this I have already messed up!!
As I said, I learned a valuable lesson though. If I go back to treating food as some sort of reward that is the same twisted thinking that I had before. Remember Anna, food is for survival. Other things must be treats. I am grateful for wonderful friends, all who gave me great advice (that i read to late). Thanks Jennifer for the idea of other treats and I will have to do that. I need incentive to continue in this journey not just the whole "you'll feel so much better". Whoever thought of that saying was NEVER fat and understood that this is the most miserable process that any fatty can go through!!! That is why we stay fat because we were happy then, and miserable now!! What a process this is, and how silly I am to expect quick results and in only 3 weeks expect my whole lifetime worth of thinking to change in that time.
In treatment we reference this as a "treatment high". People get excited about making change, but they aren't realistic about how difficult it will be. That is me.
Now I have a couple of options I can either fall back and give up (which is what I normally do) OR I can be honest with my self and others and then get "back on the wagon" hmm, I think I will choose the second.
I'm back on the wagon, hoping to not fall off.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
As I said, I learned a valuable lesson though. If I go back to treating food as some sort of reward that is the same twisted thinking that I had before. Remember Anna, food is for survival. Other things must be treats. I am grateful for wonderful friends, all who gave me great advice (that i read to late). Thanks Jennifer for the idea of other treats and I will have to do that. I need incentive to continue in this journey not just the whole "you'll feel so much better". Whoever thought of that saying was NEVER fat and understood that this is the most miserable process that any fatty can go through!!! That is why we stay fat because we were happy then, and miserable now!! What a process this is, and how silly I am to expect quick results and in only 3 weeks expect my whole lifetime worth of thinking to change in that time.
In treatment we reference this as a "treatment high". People get excited about making change, but they aren't realistic about how difficult it will be. That is me.
Now I have a couple of options I can either fall back and give up (which is what I normally do) OR I can be honest with my self and others and then get "back on the wagon" hmm, I think I will choose the second.
I'm back on the wagon, hoping to not fall off.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, January 15, 2010
cheater cheater pumpkin eater
Today at lunch I ate my normal lean michilini (sorry I know I spelled that wrong) and someone I work with had gotten KFC (yummo!!). They said-I am celebrating I lost 6 pounds. My first thought was "Oh yeah, I want KFC for supper tonight-I have done so good for the last 2 weeks!"
Now onto my dilemma for today. I understand it is important to reward yourself for doing good at something because reward increases motivation to continue doing the right thing, BUT is it okay to reward yourself by allowing yourself to have something that is bad for you???
What I really want to do is go out for Chinese food tonight, and in all reality I don't like any of the breaded deep fat friend stuff, but the stuff with the veggies (chicken and broccoli, garlic chicken and mushrooms, etc) so I could convince myself that it isn't so bad (until I eat a crab rangoon-even writing it brings a smile to my face). So is that okay for me to do??? Is it okay to "reward" myself with food?? This one I need your help on??
Now if I continue with the drug addiction analogy that I have been using then it wouldn't make sense if a client said "Hey I have been good and not doing drugs, so I'm going to reward myself by snorting a line of coke!" I would nail them for such terrible thinking, but here I want to do the same thing. Or am I???
Since food is something I require maybe it is something that yes I can treat myself to something that isn't that good for me, as long as I don't go over board and eat myself sick like I would normally do?? Is that okay?? Or is it okay since my motive isn't to avoid something??? Am I making this too difficult??? Am I taking this all to literally??? HELP ME!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Taking the weekend off from blogging-will check in on Monday!!
Now onto my dilemma for today. I understand it is important to reward yourself for doing good at something because reward increases motivation to continue doing the right thing, BUT is it okay to reward yourself by allowing yourself to have something that is bad for you???
What I really want to do is go out for Chinese food tonight, and in all reality I don't like any of the breaded deep fat friend stuff, but the stuff with the veggies (chicken and broccoli, garlic chicken and mushrooms, etc) so I could convince myself that it isn't so bad (until I eat a crab rangoon-even writing it brings a smile to my face). So is that okay for me to do??? Is it okay to "reward" myself with food?? This one I need your help on??
Now if I continue with the drug addiction analogy that I have been using then it wouldn't make sense if a client said "Hey I have been good and not doing drugs, so I'm going to reward myself by snorting a line of coke!" I would nail them for such terrible thinking, but here I want to do the same thing. Or am I???
Since food is something I require maybe it is something that yes I can treat myself to something that isn't that good for me, as long as I don't go over board and eat myself sick like I would normally do?? Is that okay?? Or is it okay since my motive isn't to avoid something??? Am I making this too difficult??? Am I taking this all to literally??? HELP ME!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Taking the weekend off from blogging-will check in on Monday!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
no reason at all
If you ask a drug user their reasons for use they will usually say that they use "just because". They will use because it is raining or they will use because the sun is out and it is a beautiful outside to celebrate. I am the same way.
Today I did something completely out of character for me (this may surprise some of you), but I set a boundary and I made it clear that I will not tolerate being treated badly and I will stand up for myself if it happens again. I have been told my whole life that I am assertive and in all reality I don't know that I have been all that assertive, but I am just loud. And being loud says only that you are loud-not that you are assertive. I attempt to avoid conflict at all cost and today I decided that I would not stand for that again. If I am confident and capable I need to make sure that is clear to those around me and make sure that boundary is obvious to those around me. I was so proud of myself. So proud I wanted to celebrate by eating.....!!!!!
What is going on here. I have just learned that I eat to avoid negative feelings, and now I eat to celebrate good feelings!!!! I am a mess:)!!! When you teach yourself a certain behavior or coping skill (and lets all understand that all of our behavior is learned) we learn that if something will help us feel better when we are upset, that same thing will enhance the happiness that we feel. The problem is we are always searching to feel better than we do. Nothing is sufficient. Why is how we feel at the moment not sufficient, but it always has to be better.
Then comes the cycle, I feel great and then I eat to celebrate. After I do that then I feel guilty because I overate. Then I feel like a failure. Then I eat to forget about feeling like a failure. How I fix this is being aware of my behavior and usually we only become aware after we mess up. Luckily for me I didn't mess up too much before I became aware. I came home feeling wonderfully proud of myself and the entire was home from work I was preparing what I was going to have for supper (problem is I wasn't hungry), and when I got home my husband had left a bag of Muchos chips (you know those super yummy ones in the redish orangish bag, mmmm) and the first thing I did was start eating them and I think that I can even see myself smiling as I was and it hit me!! OMG, I am eating because I am happy!! So after a handful of chips I stopped turned on the TV and began my workout (Fit TV is so handy cause there is something all of the time!!).
Today I will continue to strive to be aware of my behavior. I will strive to stop negative behavior. And hopefully I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.
And I think that I am going to end every further blogs with this because I like how I feel when I say it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Today I did something completely out of character for me (this may surprise some of you), but I set a boundary and I made it clear that I will not tolerate being treated badly and I will stand up for myself if it happens again. I have been told my whole life that I am assertive and in all reality I don't know that I have been all that assertive, but I am just loud. And being loud says only that you are loud-not that you are assertive. I attempt to avoid conflict at all cost and today I decided that I would not stand for that again. If I am confident and capable I need to make sure that is clear to those around me and make sure that boundary is obvious to those around me. I was so proud of myself. So proud I wanted to celebrate by eating.....!!!!!
What is going on here. I have just learned that I eat to avoid negative feelings, and now I eat to celebrate good feelings!!!! I am a mess:)!!! When you teach yourself a certain behavior or coping skill (and lets all understand that all of our behavior is learned) we learn that if something will help us feel better when we are upset, that same thing will enhance the happiness that we feel. The problem is we are always searching to feel better than we do. Nothing is sufficient. Why is how we feel at the moment not sufficient, but it always has to be better.
Then comes the cycle, I feel great and then I eat to celebrate. After I do that then I feel guilty because I overate. Then I feel like a failure. Then I eat to forget about feeling like a failure. How I fix this is being aware of my behavior and usually we only become aware after we mess up. Luckily for me I didn't mess up too much before I became aware. I came home feeling wonderfully proud of myself and the entire was home from work I was preparing what I was going to have for supper (problem is I wasn't hungry), and when I got home my husband had left a bag of Muchos chips (you know those super yummy ones in the redish orangish bag, mmmm) and the first thing I did was start eating them and I think that I can even see myself smiling as I was and it hit me!! OMG, I am eating because I am happy!! So after a handful of chips I stopped turned on the TV and began my workout (Fit TV is so handy cause there is something all of the time!!).
Today I will continue to strive to be aware of my behavior. I will strive to stop negative behavior. And hopefully I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.
And I think that I am going to end every further blogs with this because I like how I feel when I say it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Practicing what I preach
About the time that we start learning about ourselves is about the time that we have something happen that forces us to apply this new found knowledge and be honest with ourselves instead of continuing to pretend that we aren't aware. I found this to be exactly the case at work today.
I will first begin with I don't understand the concept of being mean just for the sake of being mean. I don't get it, and even though I am extremely insecure, I don't understand trying to tear others down in order to feel better about myself. (This is not to say that I have not been mean in my lifetime and as stated in previous blogs I believe that I was horribly mean in high school, so I guess I don't understand grown adults being mean-aren't we supposed to grow out of what we did in high school).
At work today I was confronted with a situation in which I overheard people saying very hateful things about me, and not just me as a person, but me as a professional. To say I was shocked would be an under statement (because certainly who could say something bad about me:)). What I was shocked about was not even the people who were talking but how they can carry themselves in such a manner as though they are better than others, and say just hateful things. And to say them loud enough that others can hear!!!
I truly believe that had I over heard this prior to this blog and the week prior when I had made a decision to change my life my response would have been very different. Of course I was upset and I will even say that it brought me to tears (which makes me even angrier that I allowed people to upset me so badly). However it is what I am learning after the fact and that is, my confidence can NOT come from anyone but myself. No one can create it for me and no one can take it from me--unless I let them.
In a situation like this my normal response would have been to come home and eat myself into a delightful coma!! I would allow food to take away these negative feelings because, well that is what food did for me. It provided me with pleasure. It would allow me to forget about what I was upsetting me and I would be only focused on one more thing-how to get more food (and hide eating it in front of my husband, even though he is sweet and wouldn't have said anything to me if I did). It was surprising to me that I didn't respond in that way. I have reminded myself that I am good at my job, I was in the top of my class for this degree, I was hired in my first job before I had even finished schooling, and was hired back as a professional in a job in which I did an internship in, and I carry the same credentials behind my name that they do, and NOTHING that they say about me changes any of those things. I have the letters from clients telling me thank-you for helping them. --And please understand I am not trying to be arrogant, but finally start giving myself credit myself, and not expect it from others--. Understanding these things has comforted me and these negative feelings and would you believe it, I did it all with out the help of food. I also purposely made sure that every piece of food I put in my mouth tonight was because I was legitimately hungry, and not because it could serve as a distraction.
I will not allow negative people to tear me down any more. I will not seek approval from other people, but I WILL find approval, love, and confidence within myself. Doing so will make me a better person and inevitably the relationships around me will all improve as well.
I thank you all for the positive words that I have gotten from people, and I thank my friends reminding me what real friends do. We stick up for each other, we encourage each other and we hold each other accountable. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I have I thank God for every day.
And I didn't weigh myself again:( but give me a break, it was kind of a rough day at work!!! Uh oh that sounded a bit like an excuse.. okay I just didn't weigh myself today.
And if today isn't a perfect day for the serenity prayer I don't know what would be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I will first begin with I don't understand the concept of being mean just for the sake of being mean. I don't get it, and even though I am extremely insecure, I don't understand trying to tear others down in order to feel better about myself. (This is not to say that I have not been mean in my lifetime and as stated in previous blogs I believe that I was horribly mean in high school, so I guess I don't understand grown adults being mean-aren't we supposed to grow out of what we did in high school).
At work today I was confronted with a situation in which I overheard people saying very hateful things about me, and not just me as a person, but me as a professional. To say I was shocked would be an under statement (because certainly who could say something bad about me:)). What I was shocked about was not even the people who were talking but how they can carry themselves in such a manner as though they are better than others, and say just hateful things. And to say them loud enough that others can hear!!!
I truly believe that had I over heard this prior to this blog and the week prior when I had made a decision to change my life my response would have been very different. Of course I was upset and I will even say that it brought me to tears (which makes me even angrier that I allowed people to upset me so badly). However it is what I am learning after the fact and that is, my confidence can NOT come from anyone but myself. No one can create it for me and no one can take it from me--unless I let them.
In a situation like this my normal response would have been to come home and eat myself into a delightful coma!! I would allow food to take away these negative feelings because, well that is what food did for me. It provided me with pleasure. It would allow me to forget about what I was upsetting me and I would be only focused on one more thing-how to get more food (and hide eating it in front of my husband, even though he is sweet and wouldn't have said anything to me if I did). It was surprising to me that I didn't respond in that way. I have reminded myself that I am good at my job, I was in the top of my class for this degree, I was hired in my first job before I had even finished schooling, and was hired back as a professional in a job in which I did an internship in, and I carry the same credentials behind my name that they do, and NOTHING that they say about me changes any of those things. I have the letters from clients telling me thank-you for helping them. --And please understand I am not trying to be arrogant, but finally start giving myself credit myself, and not expect it from others--. Understanding these things has comforted me and these negative feelings and would you believe it, I did it all with out the help of food. I also purposely made sure that every piece of food I put in my mouth tonight was because I was legitimately hungry, and not because it could serve as a distraction.
I will not allow negative people to tear me down any more. I will not seek approval from other people, but I WILL find approval, love, and confidence within myself. Doing so will make me a better person and inevitably the relationships around me will all improve as well.
I thank you all for the positive words that I have gotten from people, and I thank my friends reminding me what real friends do. We stick up for each other, we encourage each other and we hold each other accountable. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I have I thank God for every day.
And I didn't weigh myself again:( but give me a break, it was kind of a rough day at work!!! Uh oh that sounded a bit like an excuse.. okay I just didn't weigh myself today.
And if today isn't a perfect day for the serenity prayer I don't know what would be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
a different kind of addiction
I figured that today's blog should be about addiction since I should be a pro at this, seeings how it is my job and all. While I understand that addiction is the sickness and not the specific drug of choice there was something about my life that I didn't relate to being the same thing.
I meet with clients every day that are one step away from death, prison, losing their children for good, and losing relationships with family. They have lost most things around them around them due to their addiction to drugs and alcohol. The only difference between me and them is that while I haven't lost my family, I am not going to prison and I have not lost my child to DHS-I am attempting to cheat death and miss out on my child's life. You could also say that I have lost a level of self respect since I have let myself go as far as I have. Another difference between my addiction and theirs is that I have to still eat. I cant just stop using my "drug of choice". I tell clients every day that they have to stop using their drug of choice and their lives will be miraculously different, better (don't worry I know that it takes more than that). I on the other hand have to start learning to use food what it is intended for. It is intended for survival and survival only. I need it to live, not to make me happy. I have to learn to stop using food for comfort, for acceptance, hell-for pleasure. This I fear will be a daunting task. What will I have next?? What else will I use to make me happy?? And how do I make sure that I don't do something to replace it (and from what I have been doing so far, no worries, I will not be replacing it with exercise, even though it will release those groovy endorphins though!!).
I think about the rituals of drug/alcohol use, and what goes along with that. The hiding, the sneaking, the guilt after partaking, the looking at yourself in the mirror and think "what am I doing to myself". I can relate to all of that, and do everyone of those things only with food.
We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep, and I intend to keep no more secrets. Thoughts in my head are what got me to this point in my life-thoughts outside of my head will get me out of it.
And sorry again I forgot to weigh myself today!! I think that I might be avoiding this some out of fear of what the number will be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Again I am supposed to be a pro at this, but lets not forget that it is much easier to fix someone elses chaos rather than your own. Can you imagine how truly crazy psychiatrists are!!! I can only imagine.
I meet with clients every day that are one step away from death, prison, losing their children for good, and losing relationships with family. They have lost most things around them around them due to their addiction to drugs and alcohol. The only difference between me and them is that while I haven't lost my family, I am not going to prison and I have not lost my child to DHS-I am attempting to cheat death and miss out on my child's life. You could also say that I have lost a level of self respect since I have let myself go as far as I have. Another difference between my addiction and theirs is that I have to still eat. I cant just stop using my "drug of choice". I tell clients every day that they have to stop using their drug of choice and their lives will be miraculously different, better (don't worry I know that it takes more than that). I on the other hand have to start learning to use food what it is intended for. It is intended for survival and survival only. I need it to live, not to make me happy. I have to learn to stop using food for comfort, for acceptance, hell-for pleasure. This I fear will be a daunting task. What will I have next?? What else will I use to make me happy?? And how do I make sure that I don't do something to replace it (and from what I have been doing so far, no worries, I will not be replacing it with exercise, even though it will release those groovy endorphins though!!).
I think about the rituals of drug/alcohol use, and what goes along with that. The hiding, the sneaking, the guilt after partaking, the looking at yourself in the mirror and think "what am I doing to myself". I can relate to all of that, and do everyone of those things only with food.
We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep, and I intend to keep no more secrets. Thoughts in my head are what got me to this point in my life-thoughts outside of my head will get me out of it.
And sorry again I forgot to weigh myself today!! I think that I might be avoiding this some out of fear of what the number will be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Again I am supposed to be a pro at this, but lets not forget that it is much easier to fix someone elses chaos rather than your own. Can you imagine how truly crazy psychiatrists are!!! I can only imagine.
Monday, January 11, 2010
this is so harder than I thought
While I have been doing this lifestyle change thingy for about a week or so ( I know long time right), I am finding that there are a number of glaring reasons that this is going to be difficult for me. First being that I love food.. All kinds of food, and I LOVE eating. Mainly because there is a comfort that comes with eating. Second being I do not exercise, and when I attempt it is a complete disaster. I can't believe that I was going to attempt this on the Biggest Loser where they kick your tail for like 8 hours a day.. I can hardly do 30 minutes. I know, I know this is a process and I will get used to this.
I am surprised somewhat at how early I am discouraged by all of this. I don't know that I am lazy by nature, but that must be the case, given my lack of desire to follow through. I don't know if I can pin point the time in my life when I decided to give up.
While I haven't always been "fat", I have always been a "big girl." You know that there are just some girls that are not destined to be petite and when you are 5"10 in the 7th grade you know that you are not that girl!! I was bigger than all the other girls, and even some of the boys (now if that isn't a kick in the teeth!!). What I also learned there was that while I had friends, I was still getting made fun of. I got made fun of for my clothes, for being big, for my laugh, my acne, and much more things that I have blocked out. I learned quickly that it didn't matter if I was skinnier, there would still be those other things for people to make fun of me about. What is even worse that as much as I hated being made fun of, I started making fun of others, out of attempt to get them before they got me. What terrible mistakes that we make in high school.
I can also pin point significant increase in my eating when my dad died. Most people who go through something traumatic they cant eat. Not me. I found that if I stayed in the kitchen eating I wouldn't have to go in the other room and hear random people tell me what a great person my dad was. This I already knew, and knowing that didn't change the fact that he was dead. I learned quickly that food could keep me away from people and if I want to play amateur psychiatrist I could say that I got fat to keep people away, because you know that some people think that fat-ness is catchy!!!
The main thing that us "fat folks" (no need to be politically correct) do is delude ourselves into believing that we are okay with being this way. Every time we go shopping and can not find anything, we know that it isn't okay. Every time we go to a restaurant and see other people gawking at the fat girl eating (as if we should never get legitimately hungry and require a meal) we know that it isn't okay, and when we are with our skinny friends (and to all my skinny friends I LOVE you!!!) we know it isn't okay. So my decision is to delude myself NO MORE. I love most things around me and this is a fairly new development. I love my personality, intelligence, capabilities, and my wit and charm :)!! What I do not love is my weight, and my main delusion was that all if I was skinny I would automatically love myself-well I know that the other stuff has to come first.
Remember, this is my attempt at free therapy!!! And I was going to weigh myself today and doing a weekly update of weight lost, but I forgot and my only scale is at work (because it is against my religious beliefs to have one at home:)!! I will try to remember tomorrow!!
I am surprised somewhat at how early I am discouraged by all of this. I don't know that I am lazy by nature, but that must be the case, given my lack of desire to follow through. I don't know if I can pin point the time in my life when I decided to give up.
While I haven't always been "fat", I have always been a "big girl." You know that there are just some girls that are not destined to be petite and when you are 5"10 in the 7th grade you know that you are not that girl!! I was bigger than all the other girls, and even some of the boys (now if that isn't a kick in the teeth!!). What I also learned there was that while I had friends, I was still getting made fun of. I got made fun of for my clothes, for being big, for my laugh, my acne, and much more things that I have blocked out. I learned quickly that it didn't matter if I was skinnier, there would still be those other things for people to make fun of me about. What is even worse that as much as I hated being made fun of, I started making fun of others, out of attempt to get them before they got me. What terrible mistakes that we make in high school.
I can also pin point significant increase in my eating when my dad died. Most people who go through something traumatic they cant eat. Not me. I found that if I stayed in the kitchen eating I wouldn't have to go in the other room and hear random people tell me what a great person my dad was. This I already knew, and knowing that didn't change the fact that he was dead. I learned quickly that food could keep me away from people and if I want to play amateur psychiatrist I could say that I got fat to keep people away, because you know that some people think that fat-ness is catchy!!!
The main thing that us "fat folks" (no need to be politically correct) do is delude ourselves into believing that we are okay with being this way. Every time we go shopping and can not find anything, we know that it isn't okay. Every time we go to a restaurant and see other people gawking at the fat girl eating (as if we should never get legitimately hungry and require a meal) we know that it isn't okay, and when we are with our skinny friends (and to all my skinny friends I LOVE you!!!) we know it isn't okay. So my decision is to delude myself NO MORE. I love most things around me and this is a fairly new development. I love my personality, intelligence, capabilities, and my wit and charm :)!! What I do not love is my weight, and my main delusion was that all if I was skinny I would automatically love myself-well I know that the other stuff has to come first.
Remember, this is my attempt at free therapy!!! And I was going to weigh myself today and doing a weekly update of weight lost, but I forgot and my only scale is at work (because it is against my religious beliefs to have one at home:)!! I will try to remember tomorrow!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
lets get it started
My goodness, I dont have any idea what I am doing, but I was inspired by a friend of mine who started a blog and I thought "hey I can do that." The only difference is I am not doing this as an attempt to raise awareness about something, but as an attempt to give myself a level of accountability. Follow through is not something that I am very good at, so my hope is that if I know that other people are reading what I am doing I am more likely to follow through.
Some of you know that I tried out for the Biggest Loser last summer-the current season is the season that I would have been on had I actually made it. I personally believe that I didnt make it strictly because I tried out alone rather than in a couple-because lets face it, I would make GREAT TV!!! If not because of my sense of humor, the sheer hysterical laughter that would come to those watching me exercise!!
After I did not make it on the Biggest Loser I, subconsciously I think, began eating terrible-worse than I already was. As though I would teach the Biggest Loser a lesson by continuing to get fat. Smart thinking isnt it. So I have decided to no longer sabotage myself and learn to change my life, and do it on my own. Millions of people can make a lifestyle change without a TV show, and so can I.
The plan for me is to begin eating better and exercising. If I make it any stricter than that I think that I will be setting myself up to fail. I will NOT fail in this.
My hope is to make this free therapy for myself, so my apologies to those who attempt to follow this blog. Good luck to us all!!
Some of you know that I tried out for the Biggest Loser last summer-the current season is the season that I would have been on had I actually made it. I personally believe that I didnt make it strictly because I tried out alone rather than in a couple-because lets face it, I would make GREAT TV!!! If not because of my sense of humor, the sheer hysterical laughter that would come to those watching me exercise!!
After I did not make it on the Biggest Loser I, subconsciously I think, began eating terrible-worse than I already was. As though I would teach the Biggest Loser a lesson by continuing to get fat. Smart thinking isnt it. So I have decided to no longer sabotage myself and learn to change my life, and do it on my own. Millions of people can make a lifestyle change without a TV show, and so can I.
The plan for me is to begin eating better and exercising. If I make it any stricter than that I think that I will be setting myself up to fail. I will NOT fail in this.
My hope is to make this free therapy for myself, so my apologies to those who attempt to follow this blog. Good luck to us all!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)