Well I cant believe that I haven't written in a whole week. I was super busy this week.
I do have some great news though. I had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and he told me that I have lost 15 pounds since August.. that is 2 pounds a month, and if you figure that I have only been dieting for a couple of months, so it is way better than that!!!! hey if i have to convince myself that is what happened then I will:) It will keep me motivated so I will use it!!! He also told me that my most recent diabetes check came back so good that I don't have to automatically get another one next year like I have had to do for the last 5 years. They always came back fine before, but close to being high, so he always made me do it automatically every year, but NO MORE!!!! My blood pressure was wonderful, but I guess that isn't too big of a deal because it always is, but great to hear nonetheless. He also gave me a prescription for water aerobics so my insurance will pay for it!!:) I cant wait to get that started and I have my first appointment next Monday. I am feeling really good right now. I have continued to do well and been watching calories (although I had a couple of not so great days this week and I totally ate out of emotional reasons, but I totally got right back on track!!). However the exercise has gone out the window.. I didn't exercise the whole week.. No yoga, no nothing.. And I feel like sh** so I am paying the consequences. I do have the best friend on the planet and i have mentioned her before (Jennifer) and she sent me a Dirty Dancing work out video!!! i cant wait!!!
I will get back next week to step 10, and watch out it will be a dozy!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Step 9
Step 9- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I really don't know what to write about this step outside of who I need to make amends to and I already did that. In order for me to make amends to the people that I need to (gunner and bryan) is for me to live my amends. Live my life like I want to be alive for a while. Understanding that me sticking with these changes is to their benefit because I will still be around. And lets face it, it would be a benefit to every ones life if I was still around. :)
The idea about amends that people get confused with is they think that it simply means saying sorry. It is kind of like saying that you love some one. You don't just say it, you have to show that you love them.
Today was just another day where I was hating this whole diet thing. I was getting frustrated and angry that I couldn't order lunch with everyone else!! How pitiful am I. As I was realizing how foolish it was to be angry about not being able to eat, I realized that I am not only doing this for me but for my family. I refuse to talk out both sides of my mouth and say how much I love Gunner and then kill myself with food.
I am doing well, and no matter how much I have complained I have stuck with this whole thing from the go. I wont lie, the exercise is not as often as it was, but still doing that, and yoga 3 times a week at work (whoever said that was relaxing what high because it is so NOT!!). I continue to watch calories and keep under about 2000 every day, so I think that is pretty good. Snacks remain at a minimum, and only healthy things. For the most part I am not indulging in any cravings, so that I am proud of. Yay me!!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I really don't know what to write about this step outside of who I need to make amends to and I already did that. In order for me to make amends to the people that I need to (gunner and bryan) is for me to live my amends. Live my life like I want to be alive for a while. Understanding that me sticking with these changes is to their benefit because I will still be around. And lets face it, it would be a benefit to every ones life if I was still around. :)
The idea about amends that people get confused with is they think that it simply means saying sorry. It is kind of like saying that you love some one. You don't just say it, you have to show that you love them.
Today was just another day where I was hating this whole diet thing. I was getting frustrated and angry that I couldn't order lunch with everyone else!! How pitiful am I. As I was realizing how foolish it was to be angry about not being able to eat, I realized that I am not only doing this for me but for my family. I refuse to talk out both sides of my mouth and say how much I love Gunner and then kill myself with food.
I am doing well, and no matter how much I have complained I have stuck with this whole thing from the go. I wont lie, the exercise is not as often as it was, but still doing that, and yoga 3 times a week at work (whoever said that was relaxing what high because it is so NOT!!). I continue to watch calories and keep under about 2000 every day, so I think that is pretty good. Snacks remain at a minimum, and only healthy things. For the most part I am not indulging in any cravings, so that I am proud of. Yay me!!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, February 15, 2010
be careful what you wish for
No step today -still am trying to figure out what to say about step 9 anyway.
In a previous blog a good friend (love you Jennifer) encouraged me to identify 3 character defects that I could work on getting rid of. One of the things that I listed was trying to let go of my victim mentality (which I have written about before). It is very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Today was no different.
In general I have been not having any fun with this whole "lifestyle change" deal. (Now don't get me wrong, I have liked that my pants are loser and can wear a size smaller shirt in some makes). Which we understand that there is nothing comfortable or fun with making change because usually when we are making change it isn't something that we wanted to do in the first place, and I am convinced that I was born with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. I have been having the normal feelings of I want to quit, I am fine fat (crazy!!) and all that garbage that comes with it.
This started yesterday when I purchased a scale and totally learned why I didn't own one in the first place. BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT FOR A SCALE!!! You know that you are in trouble, when you weigh more than the scales are made for. I am going to write the number down because that is one things that I have been witholding and when I started this whole deal I started it in order to be honest with myself. We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep. I am also writing this down because I am trying to learn that I have to get my feelings about the way that I feel about myself, good or bad, from me and if people want to make fun of me because of the number then by all means make fun of me (I may punch you in the face, but go ahead), AND people who make fun of me are not people that I care to have any relationship with. The last reason that I am writing the number down is because my new goal is to be able to use a normal scale. The number is 350. Even as I write this down, I have deleted it several times because it is embarrassing to write down.
When I saw that number it became so overwhelming to me. Why bother. It is not like I am trying to lose like 20 pounds here, its more that 220 pounds here. This will take a long time and lets face it, it is easier for me to be fat-I've spent over 10 years that way, I am good at it.
In general I am still trying to figure out how I got this way and what it is that I am trying to deal with by eating. I don't know what that is and really feel that it started for certain reasons, but hasn't continued because of those same reasons. I really feel that it is simply because I am lazy and the idea of having to lose that much weight is too overwhelming for me, and it is easier to just stay the way that I am. BUT if I stay the way that I am ,my son, the most precious thing in my life, suffers because I wont be around. So then it cant just be that I am lazy and don't want to work because that it would be like I was saying that I didn't love him because if I did I would put the effort into making change.
So rather than wallow (like normal) I am baring it all- keeping no secrets (and super glad there are only 5 "followers" of this blog). I love my son and I am committed to doing whatever I need to do in order to be well for him. The idea of faking it until I make it is true in this instance because if it were just me then I wouldn't bother- understanding that it has to be for me is something that I will have to continue to work out as I go. So, as I said I was going to use this as free therapy I have decided that I need a little more than free therapy. I am going to start seeing a professional to help sort my thoughts (and don't worry, I already have an appointment do this isn't just a "when I get around to it" deal). So hopefully you will be benefactors of what I learn there too. And I also know that I am still capable, competent, and gosh darn it, good at what I do, even if I need a little help myself.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
In a previous blog a good friend (love you Jennifer) encouraged me to identify 3 character defects that I could work on getting rid of. One of the things that I listed was trying to let go of my victim mentality (which I have written about before). It is very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Today was no different.
In general I have been not having any fun with this whole "lifestyle change" deal. (Now don't get me wrong, I have liked that my pants are loser and can wear a size smaller shirt in some makes). Which we understand that there is nothing comfortable or fun with making change because usually when we are making change it isn't something that we wanted to do in the first place, and I am convinced that I was born with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. I have been having the normal feelings of I want to quit, I am fine fat (crazy!!) and all that garbage that comes with it.
This started yesterday when I purchased a scale and totally learned why I didn't own one in the first place. BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT FOR A SCALE!!! You know that you are in trouble, when you weigh more than the scales are made for. I am going to write the number down because that is one things that I have been witholding and when I started this whole deal I started it in order to be honest with myself. We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep. I am also writing this down because I am trying to learn that I have to get my feelings about the way that I feel about myself, good or bad, from me and if people want to make fun of me because of the number then by all means make fun of me (I may punch you in the face, but go ahead), AND people who make fun of me are not people that I care to have any relationship with. The last reason that I am writing the number down is because my new goal is to be able to use a normal scale. The number is 350. Even as I write this down, I have deleted it several times because it is embarrassing to write down.
When I saw that number it became so overwhelming to me. Why bother. It is not like I am trying to lose like 20 pounds here, its more that 220 pounds here. This will take a long time and lets face it, it is easier for me to be fat-I've spent over 10 years that way, I am good at it.
In general I am still trying to figure out how I got this way and what it is that I am trying to deal with by eating. I don't know what that is and really feel that it started for certain reasons, but hasn't continued because of those same reasons. I really feel that it is simply because I am lazy and the idea of having to lose that much weight is too overwhelming for me, and it is easier to just stay the way that I am. BUT if I stay the way that I am ,my son, the most precious thing in my life, suffers because I wont be around. So then it cant just be that I am lazy and don't want to work because that it would be like I was saying that I didn't love him because if I did I would put the effort into making change.
So rather than wallow (like normal) I am baring it all- keeping no secrets (and super glad there are only 5 "followers" of this blog). I love my son and I am committed to doing whatever I need to do in order to be well for him. The idea of faking it until I make it is true in this instance because if it were just me then I wouldn't bother- understanding that it has to be for me is something that I will have to continue to work out as I go. So, as I said I was going to use this as free therapy I have decided that I need a little more than free therapy. I am going to start seeing a professional to help sort my thoughts (and don't worry, I already have an appointment do this isn't just a "when I get around to it" deal). So hopefully you will be benefactors of what I learn there too. And I also know that I am still capable, competent, and gosh darn it, good at what I do, even if I need a little help myself.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Step 8
Step 8- Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Goodness, if I were to make a list of all those people I would have to apologize to everyone that I have ever come in contact with.
To keep it specific, I can identify the people that I have wronged, simply out of my own insecurities.
I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was terrible in high school. I was mean, I made fun of people, and I spread gossip about people. I was rude to teachers, and disruptive in classes. When I was preparing to go to my 10 year reunion, the way that I behaved in school came back to haunt me and I was so nervous to go. I am embarrassed now to think back about how I was in school. I wasn't always that way, and when I found that I would be made fun of no matter what- and thank you for that Justin Shy (I just might never forgive him)-I thought, what better thing to do was make fun of others before they could make fun of me, or so I didn't care that they did. I have had the opportunity to specifically apologize to a couple of those people and did share with them that it was my own insecurities and jealousy of them that caused me to single them out as I did. It is a wonder that they have even chosen to speak to me, but I am glad that they did. So to anyone I harmed in high school, if you read this, my apologies.
The next person that my own insecurities hurt is my husband. At times it would seem that I treat him as though it is his fault that I am heavy. When I am feeling insecure I attempt to make him think that he is making me feel that way. I tell him that he doesn't love me, or I will call myself fat or ugly in attempt to get him to remind me that I am not, and when he doesn't (because he isn't always that quick to catch what I am doing!) I immediately try to make him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I have allowed myself to get the way that I am. I know that he loves me no matter what, and sometimes am amazed that he has stayed married to me as long as he has (and lets me realistic, sometimes I deserve a medal too for staying with him!!!).
The most important person in my life that I have to make amends to is my son. Gunner is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. He is the greatest present I have ever received and the most prized responsibility that I have. I have knowingly been slowly killing myself the entire time he has been alive. I sometimes believe that if I truly loved him then I would make sure that I am around for him for as long as I can and that dieting should be easy if I loved him. But that isn't the case. It is just like a parent who is addicted to drugs. Their addiction to drugs doesn't mean that they don't love their kids (in some cases yes, but not all). Their desire is still to be good parents, and they attempt to do their best, but their addiction grabs hold of them, and hides that desire and deludes it into believing that if we just do certain things, we are still being a good parent. Me changing my life is because of him as well as myself.
And as I said the list could go on and on, but I fear if I were to continue I would run out of room:)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Goodness, if I were to make a list of all those people I would have to apologize to everyone that I have ever come in contact with.
To keep it specific, I can identify the people that I have wronged, simply out of my own insecurities.
I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was terrible in high school. I was mean, I made fun of people, and I spread gossip about people. I was rude to teachers, and disruptive in classes. When I was preparing to go to my 10 year reunion, the way that I behaved in school came back to haunt me and I was so nervous to go. I am embarrassed now to think back about how I was in school. I wasn't always that way, and when I found that I would be made fun of no matter what- and thank you for that Justin Shy (I just might never forgive him)-I thought, what better thing to do was make fun of others before they could make fun of me, or so I didn't care that they did. I have had the opportunity to specifically apologize to a couple of those people and did share with them that it was my own insecurities and jealousy of them that caused me to single them out as I did. It is a wonder that they have even chosen to speak to me, but I am glad that they did. So to anyone I harmed in high school, if you read this, my apologies.
The next person that my own insecurities hurt is my husband. At times it would seem that I treat him as though it is his fault that I am heavy. When I am feeling insecure I attempt to make him think that he is making me feel that way. I tell him that he doesn't love me, or I will call myself fat or ugly in attempt to get him to remind me that I am not, and when he doesn't (because he isn't always that quick to catch what I am doing!) I immediately try to make him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I have allowed myself to get the way that I am. I know that he loves me no matter what, and sometimes am amazed that he has stayed married to me as long as he has (and lets me realistic, sometimes I deserve a medal too for staying with him!!!).
The most important person in my life that I have to make amends to is my son. Gunner is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. He is the greatest present I have ever received and the most prized responsibility that I have. I have knowingly been slowly killing myself the entire time he has been alive. I sometimes believe that if I truly loved him then I would make sure that I am around for him for as long as I can and that dieting should be easy if I loved him. But that isn't the case. It is just like a parent who is addicted to drugs. Their addiction to drugs doesn't mean that they don't love their kids (in some cases yes, but not all). Their desire is still to be good parents, and they attempt to do their best, but their addiction grabs hold of them, and hides that desire and deludes it into believing that if we just do certain things, we are still being a good parent. Me changing my life is because of him as well as myself.
And as I said the list could go on and on, but I fear if I were to continue I would run out of room:)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Step 7
Here we go
Step 7- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I personally like the word shortcomings rather than defects!! Shortcomings say that there are things that we could do better but defects is just a reminder that there is something wrong with us.
Humble means- not proud or arrogant; courteously respectful (according to dictionary.com). My pride is a personal weakness for me (man I am learning that I have way to many of those things!!). Some pride is okay- like the pride I have in my abilities at work, so I do my best to make sure that all of my clients get the best care possible, or my pride in being a good mom- making sure that every decision that I make is in Gunner's best interest. The other pride, is not okay- like my insistence that my opinion is necessary in all situations (I know, this is a HUGE shocker to me to guys!), like my pride in that I feel that I am always right (again, big shocker that I am not), or like my pride that I didn't need to take care of my body or health for certainly I will live forever.
I also personally believe that low self esteem can be a form of pride to. The poor me syndrome, "Oh I am not good enough" (when deep down I know that I am), "I don't know what to say" (which if I took half a second to think about what I was saying rather than just blurt out whatever comes to mind, I would), or "My ideas aren't important" (so let the whole idea suffer without offering something that could possibly make it better).
The longer that I am a martyr in all situations the longer that people fear sorry for me the better I feel about myself because I am the center of attention and they are focusing on me and how to make me feel better. ( Man self reflection is painful!).
To learn humility is to learn gratitude. Until I am humble I will never be grateful for what I have nor will I truly take care of what I have. God help me to be humble.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step 7- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I personally like the word shortcomings rather than defects!! Shortcomings say that there are things that we could do better but defects is just a reminder that there is something wrong with us.
Humble means- not proud or arrogant; courteously respectful (according to dictionary.com). My pride is a personal weakness for me (man I am learning that I have way to many of those things!!). Some pride is okay- like the pride I have in my abilities at work, so I do my best to make sure that all of my clients get the best care possible, or my pride in being a good mom- making sure that every decision that I make is in Gunner's best interest. The other pride, is not okay- like my insistence that my opinion is necessary in all situations (I know, this is a HUGE shocker to me to guys!), like my pride in that I feel that I am always right (again, big shocker that I am not), or like my pride that I didn't need to take care of my body or health for certainly I will live forever.
I also personally believe that low self esteem can be a form of pride to. The poor me syndrome, "Oh I am not good enough" (when deep down I know that I am), "I don't know what to say" (which if I took half a second to think about what I was saying rather than just blurt out whatever comes to mind, I would), or "My ideas aren't important" (so let the whole idea suffer without offering something that could possibly make it better).
The longer that I am a martyr in all situations the longer that people fear sorry for me the better I feel about myself because I am the center of attention and they are focusing on me and how to make me feel better. ( Man self reflection is painful!).
To learn humility is to learn gratitude. Until I am humble I will never be grateful for what I have nor will I truly take care of what I have. God help me to be humble.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Step 6
I'll just jump right in..
Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
I love the steps (if I haven't said that before) because they take as at our pace. They work us into change- the definition of meeting us where we are at. First we identify the problems, we admit the problem, and THEN we become ready for the problems to leave.
The sad thing about character defects they are usually ones that we have come to enjoy, find comfort in, and as I said before, indulge in our negative coping skills. The idea of them being gone all together is frightening.
I smoke cigarettes (which I love right now so no one tell me to quit!!!) and along with every other human being on the planet who smokes, I smoke to get some sort of relief-usually stress or a situation that I don't know how to control, or when I need to cool down for fear that I might blow up. Now in all reality the smoking isn't the problem (outside of being unhealthy) it is the fact that I don't know how to properly deal with stress, anger, or unmanageables. Now the key here is that I NEED all of these things to still be around if I want to continue smoking. If they are gone and I smoke then I am a fool. I am a fool because I am just slowly killing myself for no reason. If there is a reason then all of the sudden it makes sense to smoke. I have to. The longer I tell myself that, the longer I will still be able to have my indulgence. So-back to my point. We need these not great things about us the longer that we want to indulge. I need to have my self esteem remain low (and although it is getting better at times it is frighteningly low!!), I need to want to avoid negative feelings because I don't have any idea of how to deal with them properly. I still want to indulge. The time that I finally make a decision that I want to stop doing these unhealthy things is when I will decide to deal with those reasons that make me want to do those unhealthy things.
Now on to my other questions. If this is so clear then why is it so hard!! The idea about recovery is very simple in theory-not necessarily easy to do. For example the idea of a checkbook is very simple in theory- put in money, write a check to pay the bills. However that does not automatically make it easy to do. For example, I have to know how to add and subtract, I have to be organized and write everything down (thank god for online banking!!), I have to be honest and have some self control to not write checks when there is no money in the account, I have to have money to put into the account... and so on. The idea of recovery, very simple Just don't do whatever it is that is making your life unmanageable. The actual actions that requires are not easy to do.
The last part is to understand again that God has to take that stuff away, because if we knew how to do it then we wouldn't have to get rid of them in the first place because we wouldn't have them to begin with!!
On a side note-next Monday will be my first weigh in after the initial one so I will be able to see how things are going with me. I am noticing that clothes are fitting differently (better) so that is always a plus, and I am not so winded after doing things (like taking the stairs at work YUCKO!!)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. !!!
Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
I love the steps (if I haven't said that before) because they take as at our pace. They work us into change- the definition of meeting us where we are at. First we identify the problems, we admit the problem, and THEN we become ready for the problems to leave.
The sad thing about character defects they are usually ones that we have come to enjoy, find comfort in, and as I said before, indulge in our negative coping skills. The idea of them being gone all together is frightening.
I smoke cigarettes (which I love right now so no one tell me to quit!!!) and along with every other human being on the planet who smokes, I smoke to get some sort of relief-usually stress or a situation that I don't know how to control, or when I need to cool down for fear that I might blow up. Now in all reality the smoking isn't the problem (outside of being unhealthy) it is the fact that I don't know how to properly deal with stress, anger, or unmanageables. Now the key here is that I NEED all of these things to still be around if I want to continue smoking. If they are gone and I smoke then I am a fool. I am a fool because I am just slowly killing myself for no reason. If there is a reason then all of the sudden it makes sense to smoke. I have to. The longer I tell myself that, the longer I will still be able to have my indulgence. So-back to my point. We need these not great things about us the longer that we want to indulge. I need to have my self esteem remain low (and although it is getting better at times it is frighteningly low!!), I need to want to avoid negative feelings because I don't have any idea of how to deal with them properly. I still want to indulge. The time that I finally make a decision that I want to stop doing these unhealthy things is when I will decide to deal with those reasons that make me want to do those unhealthy things.
Now on to my other questions. If this is so clear then why is it so hard!! The idea about recovery is very simple in theory-not necessarily easy to do. For example the idea of a checkbook is very simple in theory- put in money, write a check to pay the bills. However that does not automatically make it easy to do. For example, I have to know how to add and subtract, I have to be organized and write everything down (thank god for online banking!!), I have to be honest and have some self control to not write checks when there is no money in the account, I have to have money to put into the account... and so on. The idea of recovery, very simple Just don't do whatever it is that is making your life unmanageable. The actual actions that requires are not easy to do.
The last part is to understand again that God has to take that stuff away, because if we knew how to do it then we wouldn't have to get rid of them in the first place because we wouldn't have them to begin with!!
On a side note-next Monday will be my first weigh in after the initial one so I will be able to see how things are going with me. I am noticing that clothes are fitting differently (better) so that is always a plus, and I am not so winded after doing things (like taking the stairs at work YUCKO!!)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. !!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Step 5 (dont you know that the time is right)
And sadly my tribute to New Kids is over, now that I am at step 5:(
I don't know if you are noticing but the steps are getting harder and harder. I think that is probably the point, but I tell you what, there is nothing fun about it.
Step 5- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This is why AA works so well. They truly understand accountability and that we has human beings would lie to ourselves forever it was just ourselves that we were lying to. Luckily that most of us have souls (Although there are some people I question a little bit) and we cant lie to other people. My mom used to always tell me "your sin will find you out" and I really believe that. What we do in secret will come to light in some way or another.
I think about how I used to hide my eating. Eat in secret, eat before my husband came home and just tell him I wasn't hungry, offer to clean up after a meal so I can keep sneaking bites, etc and believing that I was hiding this big secret. As though people didn't see me fat and think "i just don't understand how she got so fat,, we never saw her eat,, she must be getting fat without eating at all!!" DUH!!! My sin found me out. My body is a glaring example of what I do in secret. The truth is, is that we can keep most things a secret for a while, but they will inevitably come out.
Admitting our flaws to God is easy- He is supposed to love us no matter what. He made us (so I suppose he could take some of the blame for our flaws right???-uhh probably not, and I am just glad I didn't burst into flames for even saying that!). He wont say anything, he wont reject us because of what he admit to him because he already knows it and it is just a matter of us being willing to admit it.
Admitting our flaws to another person is a completely different story. As much as we feel that we can trust someone they can still lie to us, still hurt us, and still take advantage of us. Not even on purpose all of the time. The idea of telling someone else our flaws is like being naked in front of the person you love for the first time. We expose ourselves to them and pray to God that they don't look at us, puke and run out of the room (come on ladies, you know we have all had that moment before "the first time" were we are sitting in the bathroom figuring out how to walk with our stomachs sucked in, and trying to make granny panties look cute because they make our belly look flatter!). But when we finally get through that fear and the one we love accepts us, tells us we are beautiful, and looks at us as though there was no one else that was a pretty as we were, we are relieved that we "took the plunge." If we would have remained in our fear then would have completely cheated ourselves out of the joy of that moment. But the problem is, us insecure folks constantly do that-cheat ourselves out of happy moments because we don't think that we deserve them, or sometimes (and this is really bad) we would just rather be unhappy. The longer that we are unhappy the longer we can indulge every unhealthy coping skill we have.
So once we share ourselves completely with someone else, while it may start out very uncomfortable the result is complete relief and joy. Now finding that one to share these things with, I don't know about ladies. The only way that I believe trust works is that you have to just give some out to begin with. Just like giving a kid the car right after they get their license. You have to just trust them at the beginning to they can continue to earn the privilege of driving. We have to give before we can receive the privilege of fulfillment.
Hmmm.. So much to think about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't know if you are noticing but the steps are getting harder and harder. I think that is probably the point, but I tell you what, there is nothing fun about it.
Step 5- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This is why AA works so well. They truly understand accountability and that we has human beings would lie to ourselves forever it was just ourselves that we were lying to. Luckily that most of us have souls (Although there are some people I question a little bit) and we cant lie to other people. My mom used to always tell me "your sin will find you out" and I really believe that. What we do in secret will come to light in some way or another.
I think about how I used to hide my eating. Eat in secret, eat before my husband came home and just tell him I wasn't hungry, offer to clean up after a meal so I can keep sneaking bites, etc and believing that I was hiding this big secret. As though people didn't see me fat and think "i just don't understand how she got so fat,, we never saw her eat,, she must be getting fat without eating at all!!" DUH!!! My sin found me out. My body is a glaring example of what I do in secret. The truth is, is that we can keep most things a secret for a while, but they will inevitably come out.
Admitting our flaws to God is easy- He is supposed to love us no matter what. He made us (so I suppose he could take some of the blame for our flaws right???-uhh probably not, and I am just glad I didn't burst into flames for even saying that!). He wont say anything, he wont reject us because of what he admit to him because he already knows it and it is just a matter of us being willing to admit it.
Admitting our flaws to another person is a completely different story. As much as we feel that we can trust someone they can still lie to us, still hurt us, and still take advantage of us. Not even on purpose all of the time. The idea of telling someone else our flaws is like being naked in front of the person you love for the first time. We expose ourselves to them and pray to God that they don't look at us, puke and run out of the room (come on ladies, you know we have all had that moment before "the first time" were we are sitting in the bathroom figuring out how to walk with our stomachs sucked in, and trying to make granny panties look cute because they make our belly look flatter!). But when we finally get through that fear and the one we love accepts us, tells us we are beautiful, and looks at us as though there was no one else that was a pretty as we were, we are relieved that we "took the plunge." If we would have remained in our fear then would have completely cheated ourselves out of the joy of that moment. But the problem is, us insecure folks constantly do that-cheat ourselves out of happy moments because we don't think that we deserve them, or sometimes (and this is really bad) we would just rather be unhappy. The longer that we are unhappy the longer we can indulge every unhealthy coping skill we have.
So once we share ourselves completely with someone else, while it may start out very uncomfortable the result is complete relief and joy. Now finding that one to share these things with, I don't know about ladies. The only way that I believe trust works is that you have to just give some out to begin with. Just like giving a kid the car right after they get their license. You have to just trust them at the beginning to they can continue to earn the privilege of driving. We have to give before we can receive the privilege of fulfillment.
Hmmm.. So much to think about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Step 4 (I can give you more)
The days just keep getting better. I actually was able to by a shirt one size smaller than normal!!! And it isn't skin tight. Even Gunner gave me a hi-five. There is something completely validating about a 5 year old when he is proud of you!
Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Fearless??? I don't know about fearless. I don't think that there is anything fearless about identifying every not great thing about myself. I understand an entire inventory includes the positive as well as the negative, but I have to be realistic, it isn't the great stuff about me that made me sick, it was the other junk, that is usually easier to see.
There is one thing that we must understand about these steps and that there is a way to identify flaws, but not go into this tailspin about how rotten and terrible people we are. Understanding humility is understanding that I am not perfect (don't tell my husband this because he is convinced that I am, or at least I am trying to get him to believe that).
This is one step that is difficult for me to write about because a searching and fearless moral inventory will take time and it will be something that I will need to do constantly. This whole process is a journey, not a destination.
The main "flaw" that I have is understanding that there are things that I can control and things that I cant ( the reason I love the serenity prayer and have to end every post with that). This not necessarily stuff that happens to me, it is people. I cant control how people act toward me. I cant control if people (clients) refuse my help. I cant control how people treat those I love. I cant control people who I don't understand why they do what they do. But man I wish that I could.
I am learning and although these blogs have been closer to the ramblings of a looney toon rather than any kind of wisdom, I am learning so much about myself it is hard to put into words. Reviewing and studying the steps is so enlightening to me and such a feeling of being free, it is amazing. There is no self help book that Dr. Phil could write that is better than the 12 steps.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Fearless??? I don't know about fearless. I don't think that there is anything fearless about identifying every not great thing about myself. I understand an entire inventory includes the positive as well as the negative, but I have to be realistic, it isn't the great stuff about me that made me sick, it was the other junk, that is usually easier to see.
There is one thing that we must understand about these steps and that there is a way to identify flaws, but not go into this tailspin about how rotten and terrible people we are. Understanding humility is understanding that I am not perfect (don't tell my husband this because he is convinced that I am, or at least I am trying to get him to believe that).
This is one step that is difficult for me to write about because a searching and fearless moral inventory will take time and it will be something that I will need to do constantly. This whole process is a journey, not a destination.
The main "flaw" that I have is understanding that there are things that I can control and things that I cant ( the reason I love the serenity prayer and have to end every post with that). This not necessarily stuff that happens to me, it is people. I cant control how people act toward me. I cant control if people (clients) refuse my help. I cant control how people treat those I love. I cant control people who I don't understand why they do what they do. But man I wish that I could.
I am learning and although these blogs have been closer to the ramblings of a looney toon rather than any kind of wisdom, I am learning so much about myself it is hard to put into words. Reviewing and studying the steps is so enlightening to me and such a feeling of being free, it is amazing. There is no self help book that Dr. Phil could write that is better than the 12 steps.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Step 3 (its just you and me)
Overall, I have to first say that today was a GREAT day in comparison to yesterday.
Step 3- "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
My will. That thing that gets me into trouble all the time. The idea that in all situations my opinion is wanted or even requested. The idea that my way of doing things is the right way (do NOT tell my husband that this is not the truth:))! The idea that I must have all that I want, not just what I need. Those (and many other thinking errors that I have) are what my will consists of. What I want when I want it. When you put it on paper that sounds way worse and almost childlike, which is why I don't want to admit that I totally think like that.
Someone told me when I was pregnant that it would change my life completely once my little one was born. People always say that you no longer live for yourself, but your child. That is the truth. The decisions that I would have made in the past are not the decisions that I made now because I had the responsibility for someone else under me. I had to understand that the decisions that I made couldn't be in my best interest, but his. It changes what you view as important. He trusts me with making the right decisions for his life. He believes that I have his best interest at hear when making decisions, and the real kicker is that he doesn't always like those decisions.
I do not like being told that my way of doing things isn't the right way. I don't like being told that I am wrong (which no worries, it doesn't happen often!). I don't like being told that my opinion is not always necessary (again not something that happens much!!). I don't like being told that there are not great things about me. But I have to believe that there is Someone that can make better decisions in all situations and should I just seek out their advice then my life would be a whole lot easier. My thought is is that if He can figure out how to create the entire universe and every thing in it, and keep it running every day then He certainly can control my little life.
Like I said before my belief in God makes these initial steps easier for me. If your Higher Power isn't God, then I don't know how to explain it to you, other than, we are the ones that made a mess of our lives. If we knew the right way to do it then we wouldn't have made it a mess in the first place. We need help to clean up the mess. Just like my son doesn't always like the decisions I make for him, or he doesn't understand them, deep down I know that he knows that I love him and his best interest is at heart~ so it is with my Higher Power, I don't necessarily understand or like the decisions, or think that I can do it better, but my way causes more trouble than not my way.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step 3- "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
My will. That thing that gets me into trouble all the time. The idea that in all situations my opinion is wanted or even requested. The idea that my way of doing things is the right way (do NOT tell my husband that this is not the truth:))! The idea that I must have all that I want, not just what I need. Those (and many other thinking errors that I have) are what my will consists of. What I want when I want it. When you put it on paper that sounds way worse and almost childlike, which is why I don't want to admit that I totally think like that.
Someone told me when I was pregnant that it would change my life completely once my little one was born. People always say that you no longer live for yourself, but your child. That is the truth. The decisions that I would have made in the past are not the decisions that I made now because I had the responsibility for someone else under me. I had to understand that the decisions that I made couldn't be in my best interest, but his. It changes what you view as important. He trusts me with making the right decisions for his life. He believes that I have his best interest at hear when making decisions, and the real kicker is that he doesn't always like those decisions.
I do not like being told that my way of doing things isn't the right way. I don't like being told that I am wrong (which no worries, it doesn't happen often!). I don't like being told that my opinion is not always necessary (again not something that happens much!!). I don't like being told that there are not great things about me. But I have to believe that there is Someone that can make better decisions in all situations and should I just seek out their advice then my life would be a whole lot easier. My thought is is that if He can figure out how to create the entire universe and every thing in it, and keep it running every day then He certainly can control my little life.
Like I said before my belief in God makes these initial steps easier for me. If your Higher Power isn't God, then I don't know how to explain it to you, other than, we are the ones that made a mess of our lives. If we knew the right way to do it then we wouldn't have made it a mess in the first place. We need help to clean up the mess. Just like my son doesn't always like the decisions I make for him, or he doesn't understand them, deep down I know that he knows that I love him and his best interest is at heart~ so it is with my Higher Power, I don't necessarily understand or like the decisions, or think that I can do it better, but my way causes more trouble than not my way.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Step 2 (there's so much we can do)
I think that I just might keep up with the New Kids theme on my step work too!! Although I can only get to step five!!
Step 2- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The great thing about the steps is that there is so many things in just one step. There is so much to understand and so much that goes with just one step. That is why they are so powerful and so effective.
A power greater than ourselves- There have been times in my life where I have questioned "A Power greater than me?? Certainly not??" (We addicts also suffer from delusions from time to time:))! I was raised in a home that religion and faith in God was a daily thing. My mother literally had "faith to move mountains" and I have only truly understood that as I got older. The one thing that I truly admire about my mom is that she has faith like no one I have ever known. She believes that if there is a storm coming and she prays that it wont, and it doesn't, it was her prayers that caused that. I am grateful that I got that faith from her. I do believe that God can do anything and when we trust in Him we achieve clarity in our own lives. So in all reality the idea of a "Power greater than me" is something that I am truly grateful for.
The idea of something being greater than us is to offer hope and wisdom understanding that there will be things in our lives that we can not do on our own or handle on our own unless we seek out help. I have been personally seeking out this greater Power in my dealings with people. I have been tested in a lot of areas recently (at work) that really push me to act not like I normally do. Relying on my Higher Power is what helps me get through my days.
Also a Higher Power is strongest in our weakness and we are made strong in our weakness be His help. There are things that we feel that we "can not" do and actually they are things that we choose not to do because we are capable of anything. However in those times we feel that there isn't a choice, and if their is we aren't able to make it. A Higher Power helps to make those for us. So being nice to people who aren't nice to me is not something that I feel capable of, but I am capable if I allow my Higher Power to help me to be.
"can restore us to sanity". What is that!!!!! As a counselor I often wonder "Am I really healthy enough to be doing this". It is a good thing that clarity comes when you are looking at someone else's problems.
The reason that we addicts need Someone to restore sanity to us is that if we really understood what that meant would would have never allowed ourselves to get to the point that we are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The cycle of my food addiction is obviously that. One example being that I feel bad, so I eat; then feel bad for eating and then eat because I feel bad. If that isn't insanity then I don't know what is. It would seem that I am trying to avoid the feeling bad after I eat and only feeling good when I do eat. This doesn't seem to go away.
Tonight for me was a perfect example. Another rotten day at work and I had to drive around for a good hour until I had convinced myself to not eat!!! The good thing is that I was able to change my thinking, the bad thing is that my first response is to go right to food (oh, the joy of one day not feeling like that). The thing that helped me the most was realizing that if I eat, and ruin the great work I have started then those nasty rags I work with win. I suffer, they win-hello!!?!?!?!! INSANE?!?!?!?! During that time of driving around I finally had to stop and say "God help me!!!" It was then, when I finally stopped trying to figure out things myself (like why are people so NASTY some times) I was able to see clearly. An answer to my questions isn't always necessary. My willingness to understand that there wont always be one and that I don't always need one is what is necessary.
The main thing to understand here is that your Higher Power can be whatever you like, and I am not being "preachy", but just saying that there has to be something bigger than all of us, and why not take the help that we can. We need help to get out of the mess we are in.
I weighed myself today and was not as shocked by the number I saw. Remember I am not brave enough to post it here (give me a break,, i think that I have been honest about enough.. let me have this one thing) I am not going to weigh myself weekly, but am going to do it bi-weekly. I already have it written on my calendar, so I will keep you informed when I do.
and man oh man did I need this today
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step 2- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The great thing about the steps is that there is so many things in just one step. There is so much to understand and so much that goes with just one step. That is why they are so powerful and so effective.
A power greater than ourselves- There have been times in my life where I have questioned "A Power greater than me?? Certainly not??" (We addicts also suffer from delusions from time to time:))! I was raised in a home that religion and faith in God was a daily thing. My mother literally had "faith to move mountains" and I have only truly understood that as I got older. The one thing that I truly admire about my mom is that she has faith like no one I have ever known. She believes that if there is a storm coming and she prays that it wont, and it doesn't, it was her prayers that caused that. I am grateful that I got that faith from her. I do believe that God can do anything and when we trust in Him we achieve clarity in our own lives. So in all reality the idea of a "Power greater than me" is something that I am truly grateful for.
The idea of something being greater than us is to offer hope and wisdom understanding that there will be things in our lives that we can not do on our own or handle on our own unless we seek out help. I have been personally seeking out this greater Power in my dealings with people. I have been tested in a lot of areas recently (at work) that really push me to act not like I normally do. Relying on my Higher Power is what helps me get through my days.
Also a Higher Power is strongest in our weakness and we are made strong in our weakness be His help. There are things that we feel that we "can not" do and actually they are things that we choose not to do because we are capable of anything. However in those times we feel that there isn't a choice, and if their is we aren't able to make it. A Higher Power helps to make those for us. So being nice to people who aren't nice to me is not something that I feel capable of, but I am capable if I allow my Higher Power to help me to be.
"can restore us to sanity". What is that!!!!! As a counselor I often wonder "Am I really healthy enough to be doing this". It is a good thing that clarity comes when you are looking at someone else's problems.
The reason that we addicts need Someone to restore sanity to us is that if we really understood what that meant would would have never allowed ourselves to get to the point that we are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The cycle of my food addiction is obviously that. One example being that I feel bad, so I eat; then feel bad for eating and then eat because I feel bad. If that isn't insanity then I don't know what is. It would seem that I am trying to avoid the feeling bad after I eat and only feeling good when I do eat. This doesn't seem to go away.
Tonight for me was a perfect example. Another rotten day at work and I had to drive around for a good hour until I had convinced myself to not eat!!! The good thing is that I was able to change my thinking, the bad thing is that my first response is to go right to food (oh, the joy of one day not feeling like that). The thing that helped me the most was realizing that if I eat, and ruin the great work I have started then those nasty rags I work with win. I suffer, they win-hello!!?!?!?!! INSANE?!?!?!?! During that time of driving around I finally had to stop and say "God help me!!!" It was then, when I finally stopped trying to figure out things myself (like why are people so NASTY some times) I was able to see clearly. An answer to my questions isn't always necessary. My willingness to understand that there wont always be one and that I don't always need one is what is necessary.
The main thing to understand here is that your Higher Power can be whatever you like, and I am not being "preachy", but just saying that there has to be something bigger than all of us, and why not take the help that we can. We need help to get out of the mess we are in.
I weighed myself today and was not as shocked by the number I saw. Remember I am not brave enough to post it here (give me a break,, i think that I have been honest about enough.. let me have this one thing) I am not going to weigh myself weekly, but am going to do it bi-weekly. I already have it written on my calendar, so I will keep you informed when I do.
and man oh man did I need this today
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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