this is so harder than I thought

While I have been doing this lifestyle change thingy for about a week or so ( I know long time right), I am finding that there are a number of glaring reasons that this is going to be difficult for me. First being that I love food.. All kinds of food, and I LOVE eating. Mainly because there is a comfort that comes with eating. Second being I do not exercise, and when I attempt it is a complete disaster. I can't believe that I was going to attempt this on the Biggest Loser where they kick your tail for like 8 hours a day.. I can hardly do 30 minutes. I know, I know this is a process and I will get used to this.

I am surprised somewhat at how early I am discouraged by all of this. I don't know that I am lazy by nature, but that must be the case, given my lack of desire to follow through. I don't know if I can pin point the time in my life when I decided to give up.

While I haven't always been "fat", I have always been a "big girl." You know that there are just some girls that are not destined to be petite and when you are 5"10 in the 7th grade you know that you are not that girl!! I was bigger than all the other girls, and even some of the boys (now if that isn't a kick in the teeth!!). What I also learned there was that while I had friends, I was still getting made fun of. I got made fun of for my clothes, for being big, for my laugh, my acne, and much more things that I have blocked out. I learned quickly that it didn't matter if I was skinnier, there would still be those other things for people to make fun of me about. What is even worse that as much as I hated being made fun of, I started making fun of others, out of attempt to get them before they got me. What terrible mistakes that we make in high school.

I can also pin point significant increase in my eating when my dad died. Most people who go through something traumatic they cant eat. Not me. I found that if I stayed in the kitchen eating I wouldn't have to go in the other room and hear random people tell me what a great person my dad was. This I already knew, and knowing that didn't change the fact that he was dead. I learned quickly that food could keep me away from people and if I want to play amateur psychiatrist I could say that I got fat to keep people away, because you know that some people think that fat-ness is catchy!!!

The main thing that us "fat folks" (no need to be politically correct) do is delude ourselves into believing that we are okay with being this way. Every time we go shopping and can not find anything, we know that it isn't okay. Every time we go to a restaurant and see other people gawking at the fat girl eating (as if we should never get legitimately hungry and require a meal) we know that it isn't okay, and when we are with our skinny friends (and to all my skinny friends I LOVE you!!!) we know it isn't okay. So my decision is to delude myself NO MORE. I love most things around me and this is a fairly new development. I love my personality, intelligence, capabilities, and my wit and charm :)!! What I do not love is my weight, and my main delusion was that all if I was skinny I would automatically love myself-well I know that the other stuff has to come first.

Remember, this is my attempt at free therapy!!! And I was going to weigh myself today and doing a weekly update of weight lost, but I forgot and my only scale is at work (because it is against my religious beliefs to have one at home:)!! I will try to remember tomorrow!!