naughty

Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.

Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.

I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.