Winning Battles

I will first start by saying don't freak out that I haven't written in a while (because I know that every ones life revolves around what I eat!!) because I have NOT fallen off the wagon, or given up the trek. It is actually becoming much easier for me and it would seem that a blog is kind of like a personal journal for me, I only write when things are going badly. But that is not the purpose of this blog, it is for me to continue to have accountability in my life, get my thoughts out (because you know they are a hot mess if I leave them in my head) and maybe even provide encouragement to other people.

I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.

As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.

This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.