Okay, all excuses aside, I am just terrible at keeping up with this. Could be that I am lazy, and I will just admit it (as though it isn't obvious to those of you who know me).
I am still doing well and am down another two pounds from the last time that I wrote, but am holding firm that it is "that time of the month" and there is some water weight that is hanging out there affecting that number.
I remind myself often that in all reality I lost 20 pounds in 2 months, so I am pretty proud of that and that is what helps keep me motivated to continue in the change process. I do have to say though that the change process is still difficult for. I do find that I am attempting to talk myself into splurges, and have caved from time to time, but definitely pay for it later. A perfect example is the other day I was not in my normal element and didn't get to pick awesome choices for my eating for day. I will admit and take full ownership that I could have done better than I did. I ate an apple fritter for breakfast (ohh from hy-vee so yummy), mcdonalds chicken nuggets (10 piece, yes I said 10 piece-shame shame) and french fries for lunch, and little ceasers pizza (2 pieces and about 4 breadsticks) for supper. Ridiculous day I know. But I totally paid for it later. I was so sick, in all areas (so lets not elaborate, right!!). I was up all night long. I learned a couple of things from this fateful day. First being that when I had been allowing myself to cheat before it was never the whole day, so I have been learning how to make boundaries and not go over board, and a treat is just that a treat. Second being that it doesn't take your body long to learn that "hey this stuff doesn't belong here", while your brain still says "this is the most heavenly morsels that God ever created". (My brain thinks in detail when it comes to food!!:). The last being that I was being terrible to my body before. That meal, in all reality, was a good deal LESS that what I could have normally eaten in a day prior to this life change. My average day before this looked a bit like this (sharing embarrassing stuff hasn't gotten any easier either): Breakfast-two iced honey buns and a large coffee with cream and caramel syrup; usually some sort of snack before lunch; Lunch-a package of Ramen Noodles (mmmmm) a bagel with turkey and cheese, chips and some sort of sweetness for desert; Supper-Spaghetti (heaping plate full of pasta) smothered in shredded cheese, a salad, and bread (several pieces of garlic bread), then usually some sort of snack afterwards before bed, maybe even an entire bad of microwave popcorn (extra butter of course). It is awful to even write this down, and I wondered why I was so big. I was so delusional that I could look in the mirror and be like "where did all this come from?"
What I am afraid of now, because I had no concept of portion control or healthy eating, I passed that very unhealthy trait on to my unsuspecting 5 year old, giving him excessive amounts of food simply because I didn't understand healthy portions. He by no means is overweight so I am not worried about that because he is a wonderfully active little boy, but he is a big boy (brick shit house comes to mind!). So when I think about how I would like to give up I think of him and remember that it is not his fault I am unhealthy and he shouldn't have to learn that same bad behavior. So more changes to come in the Short house, and we are all on board.
What amazing things we can learn about ourselves if we chose to take a second and realize that we are not perfect, we have flaws, and we can all stand to grow some out of our box.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
whew!
Again, a thousand apologies for the lack of attendance on my part writing the blogs. I am fairly boring in nature, so I dont have very much to say on a daily basis.
I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).
I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).
I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
a little less
And what I mean by a little less, I mean a little less of ME!!! just weighed myself and another 4 pounds down!!! But I am not going to keep weighing myself so often, and will wait until the monthly marker when I do my measurements.
Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.
I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.
I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, March 19, 2010
naughty
Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
worth it all
I think that today has been the greatest day I have had for some time. I did my measurments and each area (hips, waist, chest, thigh, upper arm) was at least 1 inch SMALLER!!! Did you get that:) Each area at LEAST 1 inch smaller. A couple of them were over an inch!! And if that isnt enough, there were numbers on my scale this morning!! a month ago I was too big for it. But today there were numbers- now they may go away tomorrow, until I get well under the amount that it is designed for. The number today was 339.2!!
What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.
I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.
There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.
I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.
There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ohh the anticipation!!!
I actually am looking forward to tomorrow.. Tomorrow I check my measurements to see if I have made any head way in the last month. It is weird to be looking forward to measuring yourself, which is kind of like weighing yourself. The even greater thing about measuring is, is that I have no idea what the numbers mean, so it isn't like weighing myself when I know what that number means (certain panic attack to come soon after).
Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.
I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.
I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.
I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.
I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Friday, March 12, 2010
Winning Battles
I will first start by saying don't freak out that I haven't written in a while (because I know that every ones life revolves around what I eat!!) because I have NOT fallen off the wagon, or given up the trek. It is actually becoming much easier for me and it would seem that a blog is kind of like a personal journal for me, I only write when things are going badly. But that is not the purpose of this blog, it is for me to continue to have accountability in my life, get my thoughts out (because you know they are a hot mess if I leave them in my head) and maybe even provide encouragement to other people.
I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.
As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.
This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.
As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.
This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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