in your head

So I totally have that song by garbage (i think), i think it is called Zombie when she sings over and over again, In your head, in your head!! I have decided that I have spent WAY to much time there over the last few weeks. I wonder if I thought about eating as much as I have thought about not eating. I don't remember my life revolving around food and that being what I thought about all day every day. I can be so distracted thinking about food.

I have also spent way to much time in my head trying to figure out every thought and every decision I make, making sure that my motives or reasons are okay. For example-just so you know the whole quitting smoking thing was NOT in the cards for me. Mama has to pick her battles and I tell you what, that was not one that I was interested in taking. I lasted two days, and that is about it. Not only was I thinking non stop about food, but I was thinking non stop about smoking and how I couldn't. I would find my self smiling when I would think about how I could smoke on the way home from work (stupid state facility and state grounds on which smoking is not allowed..grrrr), only to be disappointed when I realized that there would be no glorious taste of smoke filtering my lungs. (Again, makes me smile to think about it)!! Very sad, I am very sad. My thought is I cant do everything at once, and why am I trying to. Then I feel like I am just making excuses for bad behavior. Then I think, "don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing so good and eating right and exercising you don't want to see those fail do you." Then I think what is the point of eating right and exercising to die from lung cancer. Then I think........ See I told you I have been in my head way to much!!!

So all of that being said, I am saying "Adios" to my head, I will be back when I can take someone (healthy) with me!!! hee hee.. I will not over analyze my every thought. I will not play psychiatrist because I am definitely not one. I will be gracious and know that everything that I am doing right now is new to me. I will give my self compliments for a job well done, and not try to find everything that I did wrong. (If I were there would be alot of REALLY sick people out there:) At least I will do that for the rest of the day!! Good thing there is only a few hours of it left for me:).

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

getting easier

I dont have much on the way of insight today (although, I dont think that I ever having anything too insightful to say). Today was a good day today and I had a new test.

What to do when everyone around you is eating badly. Kind of like last week when I was surrounded at lunch by KFC, today I was surrounded by Pizza Ranch, yummy pizza, chicken and their super yummy potato chips.. (makes me happy to just think about,, that is sad, very sad). This time was not near as difficult as it was last time and I think that it was because of what I went through last weekend and how bad I felt. There were times when I was offered a piece of pizza and I had to say no (although each time i still thought about it, but less and less and time!). I think that I might have to avoid eating lunch with them when they order out.. Its still just a little to hard for me. I would tell my clients to not be around people drinking or using drugs so I suppose that would be the same for me.

Like I said nothing insightful-just an overall good day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

its me that is the problem.

I was very nervous that it was going to take alot to get me back on track. I am very glad to say that I am right on track. I also realized after going into detail about my mess up that it was not near as bad as I thought it was. My husband has now attempted to throw a wrench into my plans. He decided that he was going to quit smoking!!! WHAT!!! I, in turn, decided to quit to. Not because I want to quit smoking but because I want to be supportive of my husband and not have it around him. I however am nervous about doing everything at once, and have already decided that if it becomes unbearable (its getting close already) I have to focus on the eating and exercise and take one thing at a time.

My clients never cease to amaze me and usually it was not for the best, however today they made me think twice. The first was when I told them that my hubby quit smoking, and how proud I was of him (if anyone knows bryan knows that previous attempts last a couple of hours so a whole day is nothing short of miraculous), and that I had also said that I had called him every couple of hours to just encourage him. My clients asked me if I had been calling in hopes that he had "relapsed" because if he had then I could. I was shocked and told them certainly not, but the more that I thought about it, I did question my motives- deep down I did really want to be encouraging to him, but perhaps was a bit hopeful that he would fail so that I could to. The second was when one was leaving and he was saying good-byes and he stated that he learned, while in treatment that it was him that was the problem not his drug. I was stunned at the insight he had learned during his stay.

That leads me to my further thoughts. It is me that is the problem, not food. It is not that food has some personal vendetta against me and wants to see me fail. It is my own self that sabotages any kind of success. It is not food that is a friend (it is so weird how to can identify your addictions as a friendship). Identifying that I viewed it as a relationship will help me deal with it further. I can begin to grieve the loss of that relationship, just as I would any other loss. It is a lifestyle change. The word sober means that EVERYTHING is different, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you talk--all of it and if it not all different then you are just clean. And you can only stay clean for a little while. My addiction is no different. Everything must be different about me, not just my eating habits. If not then I am still a mess, only a skinny one, and probably a nasty rag because I am so hungry!!!. That's it,, that is why skinny ladies are a bit bitchier that us fat folks.. They are just hungry!!! :)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

give em an inch and they'll take a mile

So this weekend was not a good one for me. I wish that I had read all the handy comments that people gave me about "treating" myself to Chinese food on Friday night. I however did not and I ate Chinese food!! Once I did that it was almost like I awoke the sleeping tiger and overall did not so great this weekend. Now, it was still better than a normal weekend (making excuses comes very natural to me!!), but not as good as I was doing. What I did learn is a very valuable lesson, that once I cheat, it is a downward spiral from there. I also learned that when I was eating I was depressed because all I could think of what how good I had been doing, and then having to come here on Monday and tell everyone, a whole 3 weeks into this I have already messed up!!

As I said, I learned a valuable lesson though. If I go back to treating food as some sort of reward that is the same twisted thinking that I had before. Remember Anna, food is for survival. Other things must be treats. I am grateful for wonderful friends, all who gave me great advice (that i read to late). Thanks Jennifer for the idea of other treats and I will have to do that. I need incentive to continue in this journey not just the whole "you'll feel so much better". Whoever thought of that saying was NEVER fat and understood that this is the most miserable process that any fatty can go through!!! That is why we stay fat because we were happy then, and miserable now!! What a process this is, and how silly I am to expect quick results and in only 3 weeks expect my whole lifetime worth of thinking to change in that time.

In treatment we reference this as a "treatment high". People get excited about making change, but they aren't realistic about how difficult it will be. That is me.

Now I have a couple of options I can either fall back and give up (which is what I normally do) OR I can be honest with my self and others and then get "back on the wagon" hmm, I think I will choose the second.

I'm back on the wagon, hoping to not fall off.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

Today at lunch I ate my normal lean michilini (sorry I know I spelled that wrong) and someone I work with had gotten KFC (yummo!!). They said-I am celebrating I lost 6 pounds. My first thought was "Oh yeah, I want KFC for supper tonight-I have done so good for the last 2 weeks!"

Now onto my dilemma for today. I understand it is important to reward yourself for doing good at something because reward increases motivation to continue doing the right thing, BUT is it okay to reward yourself by allowing yourself to have something that is bad for you???

What I really want to do is go out for Chinese food tonight, and in all reality I don't like any of the breaded deep fat friend stuff, but the stuff with the veggies (chicken and broccoli, garlic chicken and mushrooms, etc) so I could convince myself that it isn't so bad (until I eat a crab rangoon-even writing it brings a smile to my face). So is that okay for me to do??? Is it okay to "reward" myself with food?? This one I need your help on??

Now if I continue with the drug addiction analogy that I have been using then it wouldn't make sense if a client said "Hey I have been good and not doing drugs, so I'm going to reward myself by snorting a line of coke!" I would nail them for such terrible thinking, but here I want to do the same thing. Or am I???

Since food is something I require maybe it is something that yes I can treat myself to something that isn't that good for me, as long as I don't go over board and eat myself sick like I would normally do?? Is that okay?? Or is it okay since my motive isn't to avoid something??? Am I making this too difficult??? Am I taking this all to literally??? HELP ME!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Taking the weekend off from blogging-will check in on Monday!!

no reason at all

If you ask a drug user their reasons for use they will usually say that they use "just because". They will use because it is raining or they will use because the sun is out and it is a beautiful outside to celebrate. I am the same way.

Today I did something completely out of character for me (this may surprise some of you), but I set a boundary and I made it clear that I will not tolerate being treated badly and I will stand up for myself if it happens again. I have been told my whole life that I am assertive and in all reality I don't know that I have been all that assertive, but I am just loud. And being loud says only that you are loud-not that you are assertive. I attempt to avoid conflict at all cost and today I decided that I would not stand for that again. If I am confident and capable I need to make sure that is clear to those around me and make sure that boundary is obvious to those around me. I was so proud of myself. So proud I wanted to celebrate by eating.....!!!!!

What is going on here. I have just learned that I eat to avoid negative feelings, and now I eat to celebrate good feelings!!!! I am a mess:)!!! When you teach yourself a certain behavior or coping skill (and lets all understand that all of our behavior is learned) we learn that if something will help us feel better when we are upset, that same thing will enhance the happiness that we feel. The problem is we are always searching to feel better than we do. Nothing is sufficient. Why is how we feel at the moment not sufficient, but it always has to be better.

Then comes the cycle, I feel great and then I eat to celebrate. After I do that then I feel guilty because I overate. Then I feel like a failure. Then I eat to forget about feeling like a failure. How I fix this is being aware of my behavior and usually we only become aware after we mess up. Luckily for me I didn't mess up too much before I became aware. I came home feeling wonderfully proud of myself and the entire was home from work I was preparing what I was going to have for supper (problem is I wasn't hungry), and when I got home my husband had left a bag of Muchos chips (you know those super yummy ones in the redish orangish bag, mmmm) and the first thing I did was start eating them and I think that I can even see myself smiling as I was and it hit me!! OMG, I am eating because I am happy!! So after a handful of chips I stopped turned on the TV and began my workout (Fit TV is so handy cause there is something all of the time!!).

Today I will continue to strive to be aware of my behavior. I will strive to stop negative behavior. And hopefully I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

And I think that I am going to end every further blogs with this because I like how I feel when I say it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

Practicing what I preach

About the time that we start learning about ourselves is about the time that we have something happen that forces us to apply this new found knowledge and be honest with ourselves instead of continuing to pretend that we aren't aware. I found this to be exactly the case at work today.

I will first begin with I don't understand the concept of being mean just for the sake of being mean. I don't get it, and even though I am extremely insecure, I don't understand trying to tear others down in order to feel better about myself. (This is not to say that I have not been mean in my lifetime and as stated in previous blogs I believe that I was horribly mean in high school, so I guess I don't understand grown adults being mean-aren't we supposed to grow out of what we did in high school).

At work today I was confronted with a situation in which I overheard people saying very hateful things about me, and not just me as a person, but me as a professional. To say I was shocked would be an under statement (because certainly who could say something bad about me:)). What I was shocked about was not even the people who were talking but how they can carry themselves in such a manner as though they are better than others, and say just hateful things. And to say them loud enough that others can hear!!!

I truly believe that had I over heard this prior to this blog and the week prior when I had made a decision to change my life my response would have been very different. Of course I was upset and I will even say that it brought me to tears (which makes me even angrier that I allowed people to upset me so badly). However it is what I am learning after the fact and that is, my confidence can NOT come from anyone but myself. No one can create it for me and no one can take it from me--unless I let them.

In a situation like this my normal response would have been to come home and eat myself into a delightful coma!! I would allow food to take away these negative feelings because, well that is what food did for me. It provided me with pleasure. It would allow me to forget about what I was upsetting me and I would be only focused on one more thing-how to get more food (and hide eating it in front of my husband, even though he is sweet and wouldn't have said anything to me if I did). It was surprising to me that I didn't respond in that way. I have reminded myself that I am good at my job, I was in the top of my class for this degree, I was hired in my first job before I had even finished schooling, and was hired back as a professional in a job in which I did an internship in, and I carry the same credentials behind my name that they do, and NOTHING that they say about me changes any of those things. I have the letters from clients telling me thank-you for helping them. --And please understand I am not trying to be arrogant, but finally start giving myself credit myself, and not expect it from others--. Understanding these things has comforted me and these negative feelings and would you believe it, I did it all with out the help of food. I also purposely made sure that every piece of food I put in my mouth tonight was because I was legitimately hungry, and not because it could serve as a distraction.

I will not allow negative people to tear me down any more. I will not seek approval from other people, but I WILL find approval, love, and confidence within myself. Doing so will make me a better person and inevitably the relationships around me will all improve as well.

I thank you all for the positive words that I have gotten from people, and I thank my friends reminding me what real friends do. We stick up for each other, we encourage each other and we hold each other accountable. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I have I thank God for every day.

And I didn't weigh myself again:( but give me a break, it was kind of a rough day at work!!! Uh oh that sounded a bit like an excuse.. okay I just didn't weigh myself today.

And if today isn't a perfect day for the serenity prayer I don't know what would be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.