no reason at all

If you ask a drug user their reasons for use they will usually say that they use "just because". They will use because it is raining or they will use because the sun is out and it is a beautiful outside to celebrate. I am the same way.

Today I did something completely out of character for me (this may surprise some of you), but I set a boundary and I made it clear that I will not tolerate being treated badly and I will stand up for myself if it happens again. I have been told my whole life that I am assertive and in all reality I don't know that I have been all that assertive, but I am just loud. And being loud says only that you are loud-not that you are assertive. I attempt to avoid conflict at all cost and today I decided that I would not stand for that again. If I am confident and capable I need to make sure that is clear to those around me and make sure that boundary is obvious to those around me. I was so proud of myself. So proud I wanted to celebrate by eating.....!!!!!

What is going on here. I have just learned that I eat to avoid negative feelings, and now I eat to celebrate good feelings!!!! I am a mess:)!!! When you teach yourself a certain behavior or coping skill (and lets all understand that all of our behavior is learned) we learn that if something will help us feel better when we are upset, that same thing will enhance the happiness that we feel. The problem is we are always searching to feel better than we do. Nothing is sufficient. Why is how we feel at the moment not sufficient, but it always has to be better.

Then comes the cycle, I feel great and then I eat to celebrate. After I do that then I feel guilty because I overate. Then I feel like a failure. Then I eat to forget about feeling like a failure. How I fix this is being aware of my behavior and usually we only become aware after we mess up. Luckily for me I didn't mess up too much before I became aware. I came home feeling wonderfully proud of myself and the entire was home from work I was preparing what I was going to have for supper (problem is I wasn't hungry), and when I got home my husband had left a bag of Muchos chips (you know those super yummy ones in the redish orangish bag, mmmm) and the first thing I did was start eating them and I think that I can even see myself smiling as I was and it hit me!! OMG, I am eating because I am happy!! So after a handful of chips I stopped turned on the TV and began my workout (Fit TV is so handy cause there is something all of the time!!).

Today I will continue to strive to be aware of my behavior. I will strive to stop negative behavior. And hopefully I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

And I think that I am going to end every further blogs with this because I like how I feel when I say it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.