Practicing what I preach

About the time that we start learning about ourselves is about the time that we have something happen that forces us to apply this new found knowledge and be honest with ourselves instead of continuing to pretend that we aren't aware. I found this to be exactly the case at work today.

I will first begin with I don't understand the concept of being mean just for the sake of being mean. I don't get it, and even though I am extremely insecure, I don't understand trying to tear others down in order to feel better about myself. (This is not to say that I have not been mean in my lifetime and as stated in previous blogs I believe that I was horribly mean in high school, so I guess I don't understand grown adults being mean-aren't we supposed to grow out of what we did in high school).

At work today I was confronted with a situation in which I overheard people saying very hateful things about me, and not just me as a person, but me as a professional. To say I was shocked would be an under statement (because certainly who could say something bad about me:)). What I was shocked about was not even the people who were talking but how they can carry themselves in such a manner as though they are better than others, and say just hateful things. And to say them loud enough that others can hear!!!

I truly believe that had I over heard this prior to this blog and the week prior when I had made a decision to change my life my response would have been very different. Of course I was upset and I will even say that it brought me to tears (which makes me even angrier that I allowed people to upset me so badly). However it is what I am learning after the fact and that is, my confidence can NOT come from anyone but myself. No one can create it for me and no one can take it from me--unless I let them.

In a situation like this my normal response would have been to come home and eat myself into a delightful coma!! I would allow food to take away these negative feelings because, well that is what food did for me. It provided me with pleasure. It would allow me to forget about what I was upsetting me and I would be only focused on one more thing-how to get more food (and hide eating it in front of my husband, even though he is sweet and wouldn't have said anything to me if I did). It was surprising to me that I didn't respond in that way. I have reminded myself that I am good at my job, I was in the top of my class for this degree, I was hired in my first job before I had even finished schooling, and was hired back as a professional in a job in which I did an internship in, and I carry the same credentials behind my name that they do, and NOTHING that they say about me changes any of those things. I have the letters from clients telling me thank-you for helping them. --And please understand I am not trying to be arrogant, but finally start giving myself credit myself, and not expect it from others--. Understanding these things has comforted me and these negative feelings and would you believe it, I did it all with out the help of food. I also purposely made sure that every piece of food I put in my mouth tonight was because I was legitimately hungry, and not because it could serve as a distraction.

I will not allow negative people to tear me down any more. I will not seek approval from other people, but I WILL find approval, love, and confidence within myself. Doing so will make me a better person and inevitably the relationships around me will all improve as well.

I thank you all for the positive words that I have gotten from people, and I thank my friends reminding me what real friends do. We stick up for each other, we encourage each other and we hold each other accountable. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I have I thank God for every day.

And I didn't weigh myself again:( but give me a break, it was kind of a rough day at work!!! Uh oh that sounded a bit like an excuse.. okay I just didn't weigh myself today.

And if today isn't a perfect day for the serenity prayer I don't know what would be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.