its me that is the problem.

I was very nervous that it was going to take alot to get me back on track. I am very glad to say that I am right on track. I also realized after going into detail about my mess up that it was not near as bad as I thought it was. My husband has now attempted to throw a wrench into my plans. He decided that he was going to quit smoking!!! WHAT!!! I, in turn, decided to quit to. Not because I want to quit smoking but because I want to be supportive of my husband and not have it around him. I however am nervous about doing everything at once, and have already decided that if it becomes unbearable (its getting close already) I have to focus on the eating and exercise and take one thing at a time.

My clients never cease to amaze me and usually it was not for the best, however today they made me think twice. The first was when I told them that my hubby quit smoking, and how proud I was of him (if anyone knows bryan knows that previous attempts last a couple of hours so a whole day is nothing short of miraculous), and that I had also said that I had called him every couple of hours to just encourage him. My clients asked me if I had been calling in hopes that he had "relapsed" because if he had then I could. I was shocked and told them certainly not, but the more that I thought about it, I did question my motives- deep down I did really want to be encouraging to him, but perhaps was a bit hopeful that he would fail so that I could to. The second was when one was leaving and he was saying good-byes and he stated that he learned, while in treatment that it was him that was the problem not his drug. I was stunned at the insight he had learned during his stay.

That leads me to my further thoughts. It is me that is the problem, not food. It is not that food has some personal vendetta against me and wants to see me fail. It is my own self that sabotages any kind of success. It is not food that is a friend (it is so weird how to can identify your addictions as a friendship). Identifying that I viewed it as a relationship will help me deal with it further. I can begin to grieve the loss of that relationship, just as I would any other loss. It is a lifestyle change. The word sober means that EVERYTHING is different, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you talk--all of it and if it not all different then you are just clean. And you can only stay clean for a little while. My addiction is no different. Everything must be different about me, not just my eating habits. If not then I am still a mess, only a skinny one, and probably a nasty rag because I am so hungry!!!. That's it,, that is why skinny ladies are a bit bitchier that us fat folks.. They are just hungry!!! :)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.