Step 8

Step 8- Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Goodness, if I were to make a list of all those people I would have to apologize to everyone that I have ever come in contact with.
To keep it specific, I can identify the people that I have wronged, simply out of my own insecurities.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was terrible in high school. I was mean, I made fun of people, and I spread gossip about people. I was rude to teachers, and disruptive in classes. When I was preparing to go to my 10 year reunion, the way that I behaved in school came back to haunt me and I was so nervous to go. I am embarrassed now to think back about how I was in school. I wasn't always that way, and when I found that I would be made fun of no matter what- and thank you for that Justin Shy (I just might never forgive him)-I thought, what better thing to do was make fun of others before they could make fun of me, or so I didn't care that they did. I have had the opportunity to specifically apologize to a couple of those people and did share with them that it was my own insecurities and jealousy of them that caused me to single them out as I did. It is a wonder that they have even chosen to speak to me, but I am glad that they did. So to anyone I harmed in high school, if you read this, my apologies.

The next person that my own insecurities hurt is my husband. At times it would seem that I treat him as though it is his fault that I am heavy. When I am feeling insecure I attempt to make him think that he is making me feel that way. I tell him that he doesn't love me, or I will call myself fat or ugly in attempt to get him to remind me that I am not, and when he doesn't (because he isn't always that quick to catch what I am doing!) I immediately try to make him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I have allowed myself to get the way that I am. I know that he loves me no matter what, and sometimes am amazed that he has stayed married to me as long as he has (and lets me realistic, sometimes I deserve a medal too for staying with him!!!).

The most important person in my life that I have to make amends to is my son. Gunner is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. He is the greatest present I have ever received and the most prized responsibility that I have. I have knowingly been slowly killing myself the entire time he has been alive. I sometimes believe that if I truly loved him then I would make sure that I am around for him for as long as I can and that dieting should be easy if I loved him. But that isn't the case. It is just like a parent who is addicted to drugs. Their addiction to drugs doesn't mean that they don't love their kids (in some cases yes, but not all). Their desire is still to be good parents, and they attempt to do their best, but their addiction grabs hold of them, and hides that desire and deludes it into believing that if we just do certain things, we are still being a good parent. Me changing my life is because of him as well as myself.

And as I said the list could go on and on, but I fear if I were to continue I would run out of room:)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.