No step today -still am trying to figure out what to say about step 9 anyway.
In a previous blog a good friend (love you Jennifer) encouraged me to identify 3 character defects that I could work on getting rid of. One of the things that I listed was trying to let go of my victim mentality (which I have written about before). It is very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Today was no different.
In general I have been not having any fun with this whole "lifestyle change" deal. (Now don't get me wrong, I have liked that my pants are loser and can wear a size smaller shirt in some makes). Which we understand that there is nothing comfortable or fun with making change because usually when we are making change it isn't something that we wanted to do in the first place, and I am convinced that I was born with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. I have been having the normal feelings of I want to quit, I am fine fat (crazy!!) and all that garbage that comes with it.
This started yesterday when I purchased a scale and totally learned why I didn't own one in the first place. BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT FOR A SCALE!!! You know that you are in trouble, when you weigh more than the scales are made for. I am going to write the number down because that is one things that I have been witholding and when I started this whole deal I started it in order to be honest with myself. We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep. I am also writing this down because I am trying to learn that I have to get my feelings about the way that I feel about myself, good or bad, from me and if people want to make fun of me because of the number then by all means make fun of me (I may punch you in the face, but go ahead), AND people who make fun of me are not people that I care to have any relationship with. The last reason that I am writing the number down is because my new goal is to be able to use a normal scale. The number is 350. Even as I write this down, I have deleted it several times because it is embarrassing to write down.
When I saw that number it became so overwhelming to me. Why bother. It is not like I am trying to lose like 20 pounds here, its more that 220 pounds here. This will take a long time and lets face it, it is easier for me to be fat-I've spent over 10 years that way, I am good at it.
In general I am still trying to figure out how I got this way and what it is that I am trying to deal with by eating. I don't know what that is and really feel that it started for certain reasons, but hasn't continued because of those same reasons. I really feel that it is simply because I am lazy and the idea of having to lose that much weight is too overwhelming for me, and it is easier to just stay the way that I am. BUT if I stay the way that I am ,my son, the most precious thing in my life, suffers because I wont be around. So then it cant just be that I am lazy and don't want to work because that it would be like I was saying that I didn't love him because if I did I would put the effort into making change.
So rather than wallow (like normal) I am baring it all- keeping no secrets (and super glad there are only 5 "followers" of this blog). I love my son and I am committed to doing whatever I need to do in order to be well for him. The idea of faking it until I make it is true in this instance because if it were just me then I wouldn't bother- understanding that it has to be for me is something that I will have to continue to work out as I go. So, as I said I was going to use this as free therapy I have decided that I need a little more than free therapy. I am going to start seeing a professional to help sort my thoughts (and don't worry, I already have an appointment do this isn't just a "when I get around to it" deal). So hopefully you will be benefactors of what I learn there too. And I also know that I am still capable, competent, and gosh darn it, good at what I do, even if I need a little help myself.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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I think you are very brave. And I think you are awesome. Good job posting your weight, I was pretty sure you would do it eventually, I mean this is a weight loss blog and at some point it only seemed natural that it would have to be posted. I think this shows real progress!
ReplyDeleteI am also super excited you are going to see a shrink - I totally expect vicarious free therapy through this! I often think I should see one too, but that is scary. I will live through you for awhile on this one.
I would like to let you know that I started back on Weight Watchers and have lost 4.8 pounds so far. I was tired of reading your blogs and feeling like a schlub for not following in your amazing footsteps, so I joined up with you. (that totally makes me think of the horse video we had to watch at every MI training we have ever been to!)
Good job man, this was a very good post.
by the way, I am still waiting for those 3 character defects!
Love ya dude!