poor me:(

I am very lucky to have great friends, and yes Jennifer I am talking to you. Now while I was reading with my mouth open for most of your comment it was the truth, and because I know you, I didn't take it personally. It was helpful because I can see that I get into a poor me slump quickly. I don't ever want to turn this into a Poor Anna, she is dieting and exercising and it is difficult for her so everyone feel sorry for her. Please don't if you are.

Feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do and it is even easier to get people to do it for you. I found this out when my dad died. I was lucky when he died that I didn't have any thing I had left unsaid. My dad loved me, I loved him and we both knew that without a question. That made dealing with his death easier, even though it is never really easy. This February 3, will be 13 years he has been gone and there are so many things that he has missed, but I am glad to know that there was nothing left unsaid when he died. I don't know that everyone was as lucky as I was. Anyhoo, when he died it hurt bad, and I thought for a moment that I might not ever get over it (and you know there are still days where it creeps up on me and surprises me that I still miss him as much as I do)- but I dealt with it the best I could. Okay, and with the help of food, and drugs and alcohol. (Don't worry, mama only smoked pot, so no one get crazy here.. and yes I did just make an attempt to justify smoking marijuana:).. Anyhoo, back to the point I was trying to make her. I quickly learned that I could use his death to my advantage and be able to get what I wanted. Everything I did (unhealthy things that is and lets face it there weren't too many of those during that time) was because "my dad died". That was the reason I used drugs, that was the reason I used alcohol, that is the reason I ate, that is the reason I was a jerk to my mom, that was the reason why I smoked cigarettes *even though in all reality except for the drugs and alcohol those things were around before he died. It became easy for me to use that an excuse for everything. When I finally realized that I was using his death to my benefit (how crazy is that!!!!!) it was the most awful feeling I had ever felt before and I vowed that I wouldn't do that again.

And while I don't do that with dad's death anymore, the problem is, is that I learned that behavior and I use it with other things. Work is going to close down. I have a kid and I am busy (and I cant fathom how people manage more than one child just so you know), or a number of other excuses I make to get people to feel sorry for me.

The victim mentality is one of the most difficult things to challenge. That mentality is the general "poor me syndrome" and when we think like that our lives happen "to us" not around us that we deal with. It become second nature to blame others and situations around us. Unless other people point it out to us (thanks Jennifer) we usually cant see it. Then usually the more that it is pointed out to us the less and less that we do it.

I hope that all of that makes sense. I will continue to work on that (not feeling sorry for myself I mean, not the making sense part because I fear that may never happen:)). I will not view this diet and exercise as some terrible thing that I have to endure. It is difficult yes, but this fat body is what is the terrible thing that I have to endure.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.