Beginning week 4

So today is the beginning of week number 4 and what a time it has been. I know that if you are keeping track of my blogs it doesnt quiet match, but I had started this a week before I began blogging.. I wish that I would have weighed myself at some point so I could see if there was any change after all of my work. I keep forgetting, but as I have said before I think that I am afriad of the number I will see. I fear that this is the biggest I have ever been, and my closes say the same thing. I am in the biggest size I have ever been in (and dont think for a minute that I will tell you what that is). My husband doesnt even know what size I am (not that he would even understand what those numbers mean and for that I am grateful). While I am not noticing the change in my close just yet (although I can see some difference) I can feel the change in my energy. The exercising has helped my knees from hurting (because you know every fat person has bad knees) and I am not near as winded when I do an activity, like taking the stairs at work (not fun, but not as winded!!). I had hoped for more results, but I guess that is why I need to make sure to weigh myself. I am grateful for the improvement that I have seen.

While I talk about being grateful, and there are so many things that I am grateful ful, I feel bad because I am finding that I am jealous of alot of things. I am jealous of other peoples relationships with their family, other peoples financial prosperity, and a number of things, I am not brave enough to go into. One thing that I am extremely jealous of is people who can eat and not be fat!!! I am jealous that I struggle with eating and being overweight and in some cases people can eat way more than me and they are still skinny as can be.. I can start to whine for a moment and complain about how it isnt fair, but I have to realistic and understand that no one got me to where I am today but myself. It is no ones fault that I can not manage my eating and that I use food to deal with emotions. So, I can either remember that and just identify that this will not be something I will deal with forever, but something that will take time--OR I can gget discouraged and end up back in the same cycle as before. I chose to be realisitic!! Even though it is not super fun all the time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.