2..... the greatest number in the world :)

Progress, progress, progress!! Today I weighed myself, just over one year since I started this and there is a 2 on my scale! I am officially 299 this morning- and no worries, I checked again tonight just to make sure at it was still 299!
I wont lie, I have been busting my tail to get theses 60+ pounds that I have lost, and while in a perfect world I would have lost more than that in a whole year, but I am grateful in all things.
I have learned such a good deal about myself throughout this thing. I have learned how quickly I can go into "poor me" mode and believe as though my journey is harder than anyone else's, and there is not a single thing about me that is special in comparison to someone else. I have learned that some of my terrible habits i have passed on to my son- but thankfully he is changing too. I have learned that as long as I take care of me and worry about me, I can fix most problems in my life- basically because I can take myself out of the mix and let Him take over for me then I will be just fine. The first three steps are 1. I cant, 2. He can, 3, I'll let Him. Now, I struggle a good deal with the whole I'll let Him, but lets just face it, for those of you who know what a control freak I am you know that me just admitting that I cant is a big deal.
The main thing I think that I have learned is to be grateful. I have been blessed beyond measure as I embark on this journey. I have amazing friends who have always been around that help to keep me motivated. But a new addition is an incredible amount of ladies that I have met at Zumba. Without a doubt Zumba has saved my life in more ways that one. I am blessed with my husband who has stood behind me the whole way and does his best to be encouraging- now he doesn't really understand that it isn't super fun to watch him eat an ENTIRE box of girl scout cookies (yes an entire box), but he does believe that he is helping me because if he eats the whole box then there isn't any left for me to have. Bless his heart. And even my son tries to be supportive. The other day I got out of the car with him after class and I said "ouch" and he says "Oh did she work you crazy tonight". I said, "yup she worked me crazy tonight" He then says "You are sure getting into shape, your shape is getting smaller." He then puts his arms around me and is so excited when he says "mommy I can touch my fingers together when I hug you." Now, that alone made me cry, but what was even better was when my husband got home, he says "Daddy look" and showed him that he could touch his fingers when he put his hands around me. God forgive me if I ever complain about anything in my life. What a precious little guy I have there.
I certainly have not arrived, or completed this journey, but this is the first time in my life that I have ever stuck with something. Every other time I attempt to "diet" it lasts usually no more than a month or two. I give up so easily and I refuse to give up until i have reached my goal. My next goal is 250- and I am sure that once I get there then I will have to add another 25-35 pounds.. Thank God I am so tall!!!
The greatest quote ever- "Let us rise up and be grateful, for if we didn't learn alot today, at least we learned a little. If we didn't learn a little then at least we didn't get sick. And if we got sick at least we didn't die. So let us all be thankful"- Buddha
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference!!!

Progress!!

Okay, so I have not been very good about writing, and I wont lie, it is basically because I am lazy and I really havent had anything really profound to say. Here is a little update. I had a dr apppointment about the time i started this whole diet deal around the end of January/early February. I didnt allow the nurse to tell me what my weight was at the time, but then i had a 6+month follow up to that appointment last wednesday. I allowed the dr to tell me what my weight was that last time and it was (gasp) 362 !! Well, at this newest appointment my weight was 312!! Mama is down 50 pounds, and only 13 pounds to get below 300. The dr said that is the lowest weight that they have on record for me EVER!!! Along with that weight loss, My blood pressure went down 32 points! 112/80 (perfect i hear!). He also said that my lungs sounded "beautiful". Now since I am an addict and my first thought is wrong ALWAYS, i actually heard "see smoking isnt causing any damage so go ahead and keep smoking!" (One thing at a time ladies!!).

What a day that day was. I had been getting frustrated at this hole ordeal, and lets face it, I was frustrated from the beginning. I have been doing Zumba (not the traditional Zumba) and in all reality it is a class that basically just kicks my tail and i have actually been following through with it. The main reason why i continue to do this class, other than it is fun, is that I am fairly close to being the biggest girl there (probably by a good 200 pounds!!) and I am keeping up with all these tiny ladies (sometimes behind a little bit because i am about as coordinated as a giraffe!).

As I have been on a break from writing here, I have also been learning some things about myself. I have been learning that there is alot that is ugly about me. I am judgemental, I have unrealistic expectations, I am sometimes angry just to be angry, I am mean, and just general ugliness! I realized that even if I got skinny, all that stuff would still be ugly about me. I cover all this ugliness with a very LOUD sense of humor. In order for me to fix what is ugly i have to identify that in all situations I am the problem. Now some would read that and say "well not really all". but oh yes, ALL! And if you think about it, that is very empowering. If I am the problem then I can fix that. if someone or something else is the problem i cant do a single thing about that. I have to keep my side of the street clean. If i do that then i have no problems. For an addict we spend our lives attempting to manage things that are unmanageable and then get frustrated that we cant manage something unmangeable!!! DER!!!! So, i have to keep my thinking in check and to do so I remind myself daily that "my first thought is wrong". Along with keeping my thinking in check and going to that second or third thought in order to go healthy, I have to live a life that is grateful, always. I am not special because of anything that I have been through. I am not special because I have anything looking ahead. I am special simply because I take in air, and God said that I could wake up this morning and for that I am grateful. Not only am I glad that God said that I could wake up this morning, I am glad that God said those around me could wake up this morning. I dont have control over anything, but myself and I am okay with that (alright, i am working on being okay with that).

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

bad girl

Well I have been a bad girl, for this whole last week. It is making me nervous a little bit because I can hear some of that really negative self talk like "oh, just screw it", and "whatever, I will get back on the stick on Monday". I dont know what my problem is. Okay, well I do. I have been stuck at 328 for a couple of weeks now I think with no movement. I am used to a couple of pounds every time that I weigh myself and I know that i am getting discouraged. And as I write this I think big darn baby. I dont know what my problem is. The only positive is that I am not eating a TON of stuff, just allowing myself some of the naughty stuff that I havent been. I am just unrealistic enough to believe that I shouldnt have to work much in order to achieve this goal. I just want to not eat very much and magically have the weight disappear. I am going to have to exercise and I havent been.

This is a boring one, but I had to write because I have been doing badly, and need to be accountable for what I am doing. I do intend to do better and start working more at it, even though my mind is saying "I don't wanna" and "I dont care". I am going to power through it.. No giving up.. not for me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sins of the mother

Okay, all excuses aside, I am just terrible at keeping up with this. Could be that I am lazy, and I will just admit it (as though it isn't obvious to those of you who know me).

I am still doing well and am down another two pounds from the last time that I wrote, but am holding firm that it is "that time of the month" and there is some water weight that is hanging out there affecting that number.

I remind myself often that in all reality I lost 20 pounds in 2 months, so I am pretty proud of that and that is what helps keep me motivated to continue in the change process. I do have to say though that the change process is still difficult for. I do find that I am attempting to talk myself into splurges, and have caved from time to time, but definitely pay for it later. A perfect example is the other day I was not in my normal element and didn't get to pick awesome choices for my eating for day. I will admit and take full ownership that I could have done better than I did. I ate an apple fritter for breakfast (ohh from hy-vee so yummy), mcdonalds chicken nuggets (10 piece, yes I said 10 piece-shame shame) and french fries for lunch, and little ceasers pizza (2 pieces and about 4 breadsticks) for supper. Ridiculous day I know. But I totally paid for it later. I was so sick, in all areas (so lets not elaborate, right!!). I was up all night long. I learned a couple of things from this fateful day. First being that when I had been allowing myself to cheat before it was never the whole day, so I have been learning how to make boundaries and not go over board, and a treat is just that a treat. Second being that it doesn't take your body long to learn that "hey this stuff doesn't belong here", while your brain still says "this is the most heavenly morsels that God ever created". (My brain thinks in detail when it comes to food!!:). The last being that I was being terrible to my body before. That meal, in all reality, was a good deal LESS that what I could have normally eaten in a day prior to this life change. My average day before this looked a bit like this (sharing embarrassing stuff hasn't gotten any easier either): Breakfast-two iced honey buns and a large coffee with cream and caramel syrup; usually some sort of snack before lunch; Lunch-a package of Ramen Noodles (mmmmm) a bagel with turkey and cheese, chips and some sort of sweetness for desert; Supper-Spaghetti (heaping plate full of pasta) smothered in shredded cheese, a salad, and bread (several pieces of garlic bread), then usually some sort of snack afterwards before bed, maybe even an entire bad of microwave popcorn (extra butter of course). It is awful to even write this down, and I wondered why I was so big. I was so delusional that I could look in the mirror and be like "where did all this come from?"

What I am afraid of now, because I had no concept of portion control or healthy eating, I passed that very unhealthy trait on to my unsuspecting 5 year old, giving him excessive amounts of food simply because I didn't understand healthy portions. He by no means is overweight so I am not worried about that because he is a wonderfully active little boy, but he is a big boy (brick shit house comes to mind!). So when I think about how I would like to give up I think of him and remember that it is not his fault I am unhealthy and he shouldn't have to learn that same bad behavior. So more changes to come in the Short house, and we are all on board.

What amazing things we can learn about ourselves if we chose to take a second and realize that we are not perfect, we have flaws, and we can all stand to grow some out of our box.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

whew!

Again, a thousand apologies for the lack of attendance on my part writing the blogs. I am fairly boring in nature, so I dont have very much to say on a daily basis.

I am just 4 days shy of it being 2 months since I weighed myself and was too big for the scale. That is still difficult for me to bare, and understanding that I had been exercising and everything for a good month or so prior so you know mama started this whole deal well over 350 pounds. That being said, since February 15 when I was too big for the scale here are my updates. 20 pounds down, and an 1-1 1/2 inches smaller (although since I am four days early I havent done my measurements in a month).

I am proud of myself, and following through with eating right, but I do have to say the two weeks its been since I have written have involved little exercise on my part. This is the part that I am slacking on. I cant seem to get the motivation needed to do anything active. I am going to do my best to get back on track.. And I also have two more steps to write about.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

a little less

And what I mean by a little less, I mean a little less of ME!!! just weighed myself and another 4 pounds down!!! But I am not going to keep weighing myself so often, and will wait until the monthly marker when I do my measurements.

Four pounds in the big scheme of things in relation to what I need to lose over all isn't really all that much, but what it did is make the whole thing not seem so overwhelming. Only a few more pounds to go and I will be in the 200's (Ok, but few i mean 35) but then I am in the 200's some place I am pretty sure I haven't been since before I got pregnant. Then less than a hundred more to go- my first goal is to get to 250, thank God I am so tall!!! I still don't know if 250 will be enough, but it is the one that I am starting with and if I need to go further than I will go further. I don't want to be super skinny, I want to be healthy and I think that I will be happy at a size 16 or 18- I would also be able to shop at most stores-again something that I haven't been able to do in some time.

I am proud of myself, and this is by far the longest that I have ever "stuck" with any kind of diet, so there is another accomplishment. I am grateful for all the supportive people that I have in my life. I really have a lucky lady. Thanks to you all

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

naughty

Okay, so I haven't wanted to write today, and have been avoiding it. Trying to tell myself that "well I don't write every day anyway so why today." Well I have to write today, because I was naughty today. Today I really did blow it. I ate Hardees new grilled cheese ( I think that it is because I was thinking about it all the time and was finally dreaming of it). I ate Hardees grilled cheese even when I knew better. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had been telling myself that I didnt need to. I ate Hardees grilled cheese when I had avoided every other temptation today. I ate Hardees grilled cheese on the way to pick up Gunner to take him to Kindergarten round up. What was going on with me today.

Now even with that monstrous failure today, I can find that I have been learning from it. The first thing I learned was that I am not beating myself up about it (there is a good amount of guilt and wanting to avoid writing on here) but I am not going right to "just throw in the towel" forget it. I did go there for a minute when I was reminding myself of how just Tuesday I had seen such awesome progress but did stop the head trip and thought, do better tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

The next thing that I learned was a new reason why I eat. I have figured out that I eat when I am sad, angry, happy (to celebrate) and now the new reason is fear. Gunner had his Kindergarten round up today, and (laugh all you like) but I had a panic attack on the way to pick him up. I had to stop the car and try to manage my breathing to calm down. I have tried to figure out what about this is so scary for me, and I have figured it out. I am afraid that my little guy (who isn't so little) is getting closer and closer to not needing me any more. Small things are freaking me out, the round up, his first phone call from a friend (which by the way has happened every night and I am not such a fan of), all of it. Just a reminder that he doesn't need me like he did. I had to provide everything for him before and I had purpose. There was a reason. I know that he still needs me, but there is so much that he will be able to do so many things without me. I liked knowing that I (and his dad) was the most important person to him. Soon there will be friends and God help me girlfriends that will take that spot. We wont be the most important people and the only people that he needs. He will want other things other than us for a time just like we all do as we are growing up and it is only when we are adults that we really know how important our parents are. I know that I didn't appreciate my mom until I was well an adult.. probably about the same time that I had Gunner. So I am afraid and I think that I was seeking comfort and that is why I was unable to have the same winning battle in my head that I have been doing. Because I was avoiding this fear I didn't know how to battle it. I have figured it now, but the thing is, I don't know how to deal with it. I know that Gunner loves me, but I am just not ready for all of this.

I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that I will not deal with this with food like I have every other problem in my life. I will figure out how to wrap myself around the fact that my little guy is growing up. So bad afternoon, better evening, and even better tomorrow.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

worth it all

I think that today has been the greatest day I have had for some time. I did my measurments and each area (hips, waist, chest, thigh, upper arm) was at least 1 inch SMALLER!!! Did you get that:) Each area at LEAST 1 inch smaller. A couple of them were over an inch!! And if that isnt enough, there were numbers on my scale this morning!! a month ago I was too big for it. But today there were numbers- now they may go away tomorrow, until I get well under the amount that it is designed for. The number today was 339.2!!

What this does is show me again what I am doing this for. I am so happy right now. Can you believe I am still well over 300 pounds and I can say I am happy. I am happy because there is something I can see after this work.

I am realizing as I am changing my eating and activity that I must have been eating a ridiculous amount of food. I am also learning that I must never have been hungry because I just ate non stop to avoid feeling hungry. Feeling anything actually.

There is not really much more to say than it was a great day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ohh the anticipation!!!

I actually am looking forward to tomorrow.. Tomorrow I check my measurements to see if I have made any head way in the last month. It is weird to be looking forward to measuring yourself, which is kind of like weighing yourself. The even greater thing about measuring is, is that I have no idea what the numbers mean, so it isn't like weighing myself when I know what that number means (certain panic attack to come soon after).

Another great day for me, and I am loving this nice weather. I vow that every night that it is nice out I WILL go for a walk. I did that and then even worked out some afterwards. Exercising really isn't all that bad.. Now I am not running miles, or anything even close, but I am choosing to be active which is something that I have not done before.

I have notice that as I get healthier everything around me is improving. My communication is better with my husband. I attribute that to me not hating myself so therefore not assuming that he hates me too. I am not yelling any more, and I am starting to learn how to play with gunner (I sometimes feel that I have no idea how to play with him-reading books, that is what I am good at, doing crafts, that is what I am good at). Even my house is benefiting. My house is always picked up and it isn't something that I have to do every night, my laundry is all caught up. There is nothing overwhelming and that is awesome!!! Yay for me.

I will hopefully have good news to report tomorrow about my measurements.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Winning Battles

I will first start by saying don't freak out that I haven't written in a while (because I know that every ones life revolves around what I eat!!) because I have NOT fallen off the wagon, or given up the trek. It is actually becoming much easier for me and it would seem that a blog is kind of like a personal journal for me, I only write when things are going badly. But that is not the purpose of this blog, it is for me to continue to have accountability in my life, get my thoughts out (because you know they are a hot mess if I leave them in my head) and maybe even provide encouragement to other people.

I have been to see my therapist and I attribute my much better mood due to the same. We discussed realistic expectations and she informed me that I have no idea what that means. That is typical for us addicts. We only know extremes; all or nothing, and usually it is always ALL, and then some. If I were to eat one bad thing in the evening, I would be all discouraged and view it as an entire waste of the whole day. An alcoholic that has been clean for 10 days and relapses still has 10 days clean. Those 10 days do not disappear and not exist any longer because he relapsed one day. That is how we learn the difference between clean and sober. The word sober means that everything is different. The way we act, think, talk, look, feel everything and if it isn't we are just clean, and we are just white knuckling the whole thing. I think that I am still white knuckling it sometimes, but other times, it feels that this whole managing my feelings, watching my food and keeping my head trips in check is something natural to me.

As I titled this blog winning battles, I am winning more and more of those battles in my head. Those battles that say, "Oh just have that and then start over tomorrow" or "you deserve it you have done so well." I am figuring out the difference between the addictive logic, and recovery logic. I have been able to win the majority of those battles by reminding my self that my clothes feel looser and that feels better than any kind of food available to me (however I have seen the commercials for the new grilled cheese at Hardees, OMG 4 kinds of cheese, hamburger and bacon, oh man I can taste it and I am still trying to figure out a way that I can have one, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of days if I did!!). I have also been able to battle those thoughts with those precious words from my 5 year old when he says that he loves it that we are playing together more. Staying focused and focusing on feeling good. When I am doing that then I am not grumpy about this diet.

This is how I feel today, and have been feeling for a while. I know that I may not feel this way tomorrow and may want to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but hopefully if it happens I will be able to win again!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 10

Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

So what- this isn't a one time fix it all. I will constantly have flaws!! I wonder if it is at all like the mail and that glorious 1 week in between when all your bills are paid and you don't get anything but junk mail in the mail!!! I love that week. Hopefully I will get a little while in between:)

About the time that we think that we are comfortable is about the same time that we are usually inches away from right back to where we started.

I have been working on my victim mentality, yelling, and unrealistic expectations. Those are very difficult for one to get rid of. My job is currently still up in the air and I am struggling some with self pity about that, but doing well by not eating to cope. I am trying with the unrealistic expectations of other people. This meaning, that I am not living in la-la land thinking that there aren't mean people, and my husband should just know what I am thinking, and that my kid can certainly figure out how to NOT POOP his pants (don't even get me started) because apparently those things are not realistic.

Now identifying flaws, while very difficult for me at time, the most difficult is the whole "promptly" thing. It takes me a minute (and usually the help of someone else-thanks Cindy) for me to realize my flaws. Better late than never right?? Recovery is a journey not a destination and I intend to make it a lovely trip! Starting by not being so critical- and being realistic. Accepting that this is new for me and as long as I am having more good days than bad then I am good. I am not going to lose hundreds of pounds in a few months like I would have if i would have made it on the biggest loser (Damn them for not picking me), but I will become what I am supposed to be.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

great news!!!

Well I cant believe that I haven't written in a whole week. I was super busy this week.

I do have some great news though. I had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and he told me that I have lost 15 pounds since August.. that is 2 pounds a month, and if you figure that I have only been dieting for a couple of months, so it is way better than that!!!! hey if i have to convince myself that is what happened then I will:) It will keep me motivated so I will use it!!! He also told me that my most recent diabetes check came back so good that I don't have to automatically get another one next year like I have had to do for the last 5 years. They always came back fine before, but close to being high, so he always made me do it automatically every year, but NO MORE!!!! My blood pressure was wonderful, but I guess that isn't too big of a deal because it always is, but great to hear nonetheless. He also gave me a prescription for water aerobics so my insurance will pay for it!!:) I cant wait to get that started and I have my first appointment next Monday. I am feeling really good right now. I have continued to do well and been watching calories (although I had a couple of not so great days this week and I totally ate out of emotional reasons, but I totally got right back on track!!). However the exercise has gone out the window.. I didn't exercise the whole week.. No yoga, no nothing.. And I feel like sh** so I am paying the consequences. I do have the best friend on the planet and i have mentioned her before (Jennifer) and she sent me a Dirty Dancing work out video!!! i cant wait!!!

I will get back next week to step 10, and watch out it will be a dozy!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 9

Step 9- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I really don't know what to write about this step outside of who I need to make amends to and I already did that. In order for me to make amends to the people that I need to (gunner and bryan) is for me to live my amends. Live my life like I want to be alive for a while. Understanding that me sticking with these changes is to their benefit because I will still be around. And lets face it, it would be a benefit to every ones life if I was still around. :)

The idea about amends that people get confused with is they think that it simply means saying sorry. It is kind of like saying that you love some one. You don't just say it, you have to show that you love them.

Today was just another day where I was hating this whole diet thing. I was getting frustrated and angry that I couldn't order lunch with everyone else!! How pitiful am I. As I was realizing how foolish it was to be angry about not being able to eat, I realized that I am not only doing this for me but for my family. I refuse to talk out both sides of my mouth and say how much I love Gunner and then kill myself with food.

I am doing well, and no matter how much I have complained I have stuck with this whole thing from the go. I wont lie, the exercise is not as often as it was, but still doing that, and yoga 3 times a week at work (whoever said that was relaxing what high because it is so NOT!!). I continue to watch calories and keep under about 2000 every day, so I think that is pretty good. Snacks remain at a minimum, and only healthy things. For the most part I am not indulging in any cravings, so that I am proud of. Yay me!!!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

be careful what you wish for

No step today -still am trying to figure out what to say about step 9 anyway.

In a previous blog a good friend (love you Jennifer) encouraged me to identify 3 character defects that I could work on getting rid of. One of the things that I listed was trying to let go of my victim mentality (which I have written about before). It is very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Today was no different.

In general I have been not having any fun with this whole "lifestyle change" deal. (Now don't get me wrong, I have liked that my pants are loser and can wear a size smaller shirt in some makes). Which we understand that there is nothing comfortable or fun with making change because usually when we are making change it isn't something that we wanted to do in the first place, and I am convinced that I was born with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality. I have been having the normal feelings of I want to quit, I am fine fat (crazy!!) and all that garbage that comes with it.

This started yesterday when I purchased a scale and totally learned why I didn't own one in the first place. BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT FOR A SCALE!!! You know that you are in trouble, when you weigh more than the scales are made for. I am going to write the number down because that is one things that I have been witholding and when I started this whole deal I started it in order to be honest with myself. We are only as sick as the secrets that we keep. I am also writing this down because I am trying to learn that I have to get my feelings about the way that I feel about myself, good or bad, from me and if people want to make fun of me because of the number then by all means make fun of me (I may punch you in the face, but go ahead), AND people who make fun of me are not people that I care to have any relationship with. The last reason that I am writing the number down is because my new goal is to be able to use a normal scale. The number is 350. Even as I write this down, I have deleted it several times because it is embarrassing to write down.

When I saw that number it became so overwhelming to me. Why bother. It is not like I am trying to lose like 20 pounds here, its more that 220 pounds here. This will take a long time and lets face it, it is easier for me to be fat-I've spent over 10 years that way, I am good at it.

In general I am still trying to figure out how I got this way and what it is that I am trying to deal with by eating. I don't know what that is and really feel that it started for certain reasons, but hasn't continued because of those same reasons. I really feel that it is simply because I am lazy and the idea of having to lose that much weight is too overwhelming for me, and it is easier to just stay the way that I am. BUT if I stay the way that I am ,my son, the most precious thing in my life, suffers because I wont be around. So then it cant just be that I am lazy and don't want to work because that it would be like I was saying that I didn't love him because if I did I would put the effort into making change.

So rather than wallow (like normal) I am baring it all- keeping no secrets (and super glad there are only 5 "followers" of this blog). I love my son and I am committed to doing whatever I need to do in order to be well for him. The idea of faking it until I make it is true in this instance because if it were just me then I wouldn't bother- understanding that it has to be for me is something that I will have to continue to work out as I go. So, as I said I was going to use this as free therapy I have decided that I need a little more than free therapy. I am going to start seeing a professional to help sort my thoughts (and don't worry, I already have an appointment do this isn't just a "when I get around to it" deal). So hopefully you will be benefactors of what I learn there too. And I also know that I am still capable, competent, and gosh darn it, good at what I do, even if I need a little help myself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 8

Step 8- Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Goodness, if I were to make a list of all those people I would have to apologize to everyone that I have ever come in contact with.
To keep it specific, I can identify the people that I have wronged, simply out of my own insecurities.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was terrible in high school. I was mean, I made fun of people, and I spread gossip about people. I was rude to teachers, and disruptive in classes. When I was preparing to go to my 10 year reunion, the way that I behaved in school came back to haunt me and I was so nervous to go. I am embarrassed now to think back about how I was in school. I wasn't always that way, and when I found that I would be made fun of no matter what- and thank you for that Justin Shy (I just might never forgive him)-I thought, what better thing to do was make fun of others before they could make fun of me, or so I didn't care that they did. I have had the opportunity to specifically apologize to a couple of those people and did share with them that it was my own insecurities and jealousy of them that caused me to single them out as I did. It is a wonder that they have even chosen to speak to me, but I am glad that they did. So to anyone I harmed in high school, if you read this, my apologies.

The next person that my own insecurities hurt is my husband. At times it would seem that I treat him as though it is his fault that I am heavy. When I am feeling insecure I attempt to make him think that he is making me feel that way. I tell him that he doesn't love me, or I will call myself fat or ugly in attempt to get him to remind me that I am not, and when he doesn't (because he isn't always that quick to catch what I am doing!) I immediately try to make him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I have allowed myself to get the way that I am. I know that he loves me no matter what, and sometimes am amazed that he has stayed married to me as long as he has (and lets me realistic, sometimes I deserve a medal too for staying with him!!!).

The most important person in my life that I have to make amends to is my son. Gunner is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. He is the greatest present I have ever received and the most prized responsibility that I have. I have knowingly been slowly killing myself the entire time he has been alive. I sometimes believe that if I truly loved him then I would make sure that I am around for him for as long as I can and that dieting should be easy if I loved him. But that isn't the case. It is just like a parent who is addicted to drugs. Their addiction to drugs doesn't mean that they don't love their kids (in some cases yes, but not all). Their desire is still to be good parents, and they attempt to do their best, but their addiction grabs hold of them, and hides that desire and deludes it into believing that if we just do certain things, we are still being a good parent. Me changing my life is because of him as well as myself.

And as I said the list could go on and on, but I fear if I were to continue I would run out of room:)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 7

Here we go


Step 7- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I personally like the word shortcomings rather than defects!! Shortcomings say that there are things that we could do better but defects is just a reminder that there is something wrong with us.

Humble means- not proud or arrogant; courteously respectful (according to dictionary.com). My pride is a personal weakness for me (man I am learning that I have way to many of those things!!). Some pride is okay- like the pride I have in my abilities at work, so I do my best to make sure that all of my clients get the best care possible, or my pride in being a good mom- making sure that every decision that I make is in Gunner's best interest. The other pride, is not okay- like my insistence that my opinion is necessary in all situations (I know, this is a HUGE shocker to me to guys!), like my pride in that I feel that I am always right (again, big shocker that I am not), or like my pride that I didn't need to take care of my body or health for certainly I will live forever.

I also personally believe that low self esteem can be a form of pride to. The poor me syndrome, "Oh I am not good enough" (when deep down I know that I am), "I don't know what to say" (which if I took half a second to think about what I was saying rather than just blurt out whatever comes to mind, I would), or "My ideas aren't important" (so let the whole idea suffer without offering something that could possibly make it better).

The longer that I am a martyr in all situations the longer that people fear sorry for me the better I feel about myself because I am the center of attention and they are focusing on me and how to make me feel better. ( Man self reflection is painful!).

To learn humility is to learn gratitude. Until I am humble I will never be grateful for what I have nor will I truly take care of what I have. God help me to be humble.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 6

I'll just jump right in..

Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.

I love the steps (if I haven't said that before) because they take as at our pace. They work us into change- the definition of meeting us where we are at. First we identify the problems, we admit the problem, and THEN we become ready for the problems to leave.

The sad thing about character defects they are usually ones that we have come to enjoy, find comfort in, and as I said before, indulge in our negative coping skills. The idea of them being gone all together is frightening.

I smoke cigarettes (which I love right now so no one tell me to quit!!!) and along with every other human being on the planet who smokes, I smoke to get some sort of relief-usually stress or a situation that I don't know how to control, or when I need to cool down for fear that I might blow up. Now in all reality the smoking isn't the problem (outside of being unhealthy) it is the fact that I don't know how to properly deal with stress, anger, or unmanageables. Now the key here is that I NEED all of these things to still be around if I want to continue smoking. If they are gone and I smoke then I am a fool. I am a fool because I am just slowly killing myself for no reason. If there is a reason then all of the sudden it makes sense to smoke. I have to. The longer I tell myself that, the longer I will still be able to have my indulgence. So-back to my point. We need these not great things about us the longer that we want to indulge. I need to have my self esteem remain low (and although it is getting better at times it is frighteningly low!!), I need to want to avoid negative feelings because I don't have any idea of how to deal with them properly. I still want to indulge. The time that I finally make a decision that I want to stop doing these unhealthy things is when I will decide to deal with those reasons that make me want to do those unhealthy things.

Now on to my other questions. If this is so clear then why is it so hard!! The idea about recovery is very simple in theory-not necessarily easy to do. For example the idea of a checkbook is very simple in theory- put in money, write a check to pay the bills. However that does not automatically make it easy to do. For example, I have to know how to add and subtract, I have to be organized and write everything down (thank god for online banking!!), I have to be honest and have some self control to not write checks when there is no money in the account, I have to have money to put into the account... and so on. The idea of recovery, very simple Just don't do whatever it is that is making your life unmanageable. The actual actions that requires are not easy to do.

The last part is to understand again that God has to take that stuff away, because if we knew how to do it then we wouldn't have to get rid of them in the first place because we wouldn't have them to begin with!!

On a side note-next Monday will be my first weigh in after the initial one so I will be able to see how things are going with me. I am noticing that clothes are fitting differently (better) so that is always a plus, and I am not so winded after doing things (like taking the stairs at work YUCKO!!)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. !!!

Step 5 (dont you know that the time is right)

And sadly my tribute to New Kids is over, now that I am at step 5:(

I don't know if you are noticing but the steps are getting harder and harder. I think that is probably the point, but I tell you what, there is nothing fun about it.

Step 5- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This is why AA works so well. They truly understand accountability and that we has human beings would lie to ourselves forever it was just ourselves that we were lying to. Luckily that most of us have souls (Although there are some people I question a little bit) and we cant lie to other people. My mom used to always tell me "your sin will find you out" and I really believe that. What we do in secret will come to light in some way or another.

I think about how I used to hide my eating. Eat in secret, eat before my husband came home and just tell him I wasn't hungry, offer to clean up after a meal so I can keep sneaking bites, etc and believing that I was hiding this big secret. As though people didn't see me fat and think "i just don't understand how she got so fat,, we never saw her eat,, she must be getting fat without eating at all!!" DUH!!! My sin found me out. My body is a glaring example of what I do in secret. The truth is, is that we can keep most things a secret for a while, but they will inevitably come out.

Admitting our flaws to God is easy- He is supposed to love us no matter what. He made us (so I suppose he could take some of the blame for our flaws right???-uhh probably not, and I am just glad I didn't burst into flames for even saying that!). He wont say anything, he wont reject us because of what he admit to him because he already knows it and it is just a matter of us being willing to admit it.

Admitting our flaws to another person is a completely different story. As much as we feel that we can trust someone they can still lie to us, still hurt us, and still take advantage of us. Not even on purpose all of the time. The idea of telling someone else our flaws is like being naked in front of the person you love for the first time. We expose ourselves to them and pray to God that they don't look at us, puke and run out of the room (come on ladies, you know we have all had that moment before "the first time" were we are sitting in the bathroom figuring out how to walk with our stomachs sucked in, and trying to make granny panties look cute because they make our belly look flatter!). But when we finally get through that fear and the one we love accepts us, tells us we are beautiful, and looks at us as though there was no one else that was a pretty as we were, we are relieved that we "took the plunge." If we would have remained in our fear then would have completely cheated ourselves out of the joy of that moment. But the problem is, us insecure folks constantly do that-cheat ourselves out of happy moments because we don't think that we deserve them, or sometimes (and this is really bad) we would just rather be unhappy. The longer that we are unhappy the longer we can indulge every unhealthy coping skill we have.

So once we share ourselves completely with someone else, while it may start out very uncomfortable the result is complete relief and joy. Now finding that one to share these things with, I don't know about ladies. The only way that I believe trust works is that you have to just give some out to begin with. Just like giving a kid the car right after they get their license. You have to just trust them at the beginning to they can continue to earn the privilege of driving. We have to give before we can receive the privilege of fulfillment.

Hmmm.. So much to think about.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 4 (I can give you more)

The days just keep getting better. I actually was able to by a shirt one size smaller than normal!!! And it isn't skin tight. Even Gunner gave me a hi-five. There is something completely validating about a 5 year old when he is proud of you!

Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Fearless??? I don't know about fearless. I don't think that there is anything fearless about identifying every not great thing about myself. I understand an entire inventory includes the positive as well as the negative, but I have to be realistic, it isn't the great stuff about me that made me sick, it was the other junk, that is usually easier to see.

There is one thing that we must understand about these steps and that there is a way to identify flaws, but not go into this tailspin about how rotten and terrible people we are. Understanding humility is understanding that I am not perfect (don't tell my husband this because he is convinced that I am, or at least I am trying to get him to believe that).

This is one step that is difficult for me to write about because a searching and fearless moral inventory will take time and it will be something that I will need to do constantly. This whole process is a journey, not a destination.

The main "flaw" that I have is understanding that there are things that I can control and things that I cant ( the reason I love the serenity prayer and have to end every post with that). This not necessarily stuff that happens to me, it is people. I cant control how people act toward me. I cant control if people (clients) refuse my help. I cant control how people treat those I love. I cant control people who I don't understand why they do what they do. But man I wish that I could.

I am learning and although these blogs have been closer to the ramblings of a looney toon rather than any kind of wisdom, I am learning so much about myself it is hard to put into words. Reviewing and studying the steps is so enlightening to me and such a feeling of being free, it is amazing. There is no self help book that Dr. Phil could write that is better than the 12 steps.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Step 3 (its just you and me)

Overall, I have to first say that today was a GREAT day in comparison to yesterday.

Step 3- "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

My will. That thing that gets me into trouble all the time. The idea that in all situations my opinion is wanted or even requested. The idea that my way of doing things is the right way (do NOT tell my husband that this is not the truth:))! The idea that I must have all that I want, not just what I need. Those (and many other thinking errors that I have) are what my will consists of. What I want when I want it. When you put it on paper that sounds way worse and almost childlike, which is why I don't want to admit that I totally think like that.

Someone told me when I was pregnant that it would change my life completely once my little one was born. People always say that you no longer live for yourself, but your child. That is the truth. The decisions that I would have made in the past are not the decisions that I made now because I had the responsibility for someone else under me. I had to understand that the decisions that I made couldn't be in my best interest, but his. It changes what you view as important. He trusts me with making the right decisions for his life. He believes that I have his best interest at hear when making decisions, and the real kicker is that he doesn't always like those decisions.

I do not like being told that my way of doing things isn't the right way. I don't like being told that I am wrong (which no worries, it doesn't happen often!). I don't like being told that my opinion is not always necessary (again not something that happens much!!). I don't like being told that there are not great things about me. But I have to believe that there is Someone that can make better decisions in all situations and should I just seek out their advice then my life would be a whole lot easier. My thought is is that if He can figure out how to create the entire universe and every thing in it, and keep it running every day then He certainly can control my little life.

Like I said before my belief in God makes these initial steps easier for me. If your Higher Power isn't God, then I don't know how to explain it to you, other than, we are the ones that made a mess of our lives. If we knew the right way to do it then we wouldn't have made it a mess in the first place. We need help to clean up the mess. Just like my son doesn't always like the decisions I make for him, or he doesn't understand them, deep down I know that he knows that I love him and his best interest is at heart~ so it is with my Higher Power, I don't necessarily understand or like the decisions, or think that I can do it better, but my way causes more trouble than not my way.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.